What About Now?

Chapter 25 - Nightmares

I can't sleep.

I've been lying in bed for hours, mindlessly staring at the brightly lit moon shining through the window. I assumed that if I just stare at the moon long enough that its bright glow would lull me to sleep; but I was wrong. Every time I close my eyes the only thing I see are those monsters holding down my mother's defenseless form.

I hastily get up and begin to pace around the room. I don't want to think about that. I can't think about that.

I just wish that I wasn't so weak. I wish that I can save her. But how can I save her when I can't even save myself?

I run my hands through my hair in frustration. There has to be something I can do. There has to be some way I can save her. The only question is how? How can I possibly help her when I don't even know where she is?

I carefully contemplate my options as I pace around the room. The first and most obvious option is to tell Levi. But, how can I? This is my burden to bear. If I tell him then nothing would ever be the same between us. He's the first person that cared about me, that treated me like I mattered in this world, that protected me.

If I told him about my mother then would I be compelled to tell him about my secret? And if I did, would he treat me differently? Would everything that we have between us change? Even though he never labeled our relationship I know that it means something to him. I know that I mean something to him.

"Mom," I whisper softly into the air.

I look through the window at the night sky and watch as the stars gleam brightly. It's nights like this when I can't sleep that I reminisce most about her.  

I remember being on the run when I was really young; practically still a child. The rogue life was new to me. I wasn't tough like mom, dad, or my brother. I even remember crying myself to sleep most nights. But can you blame me? I was a child that was stripped from her Disney princess life and thrown into a world of kill or be killed. 

However, despite being unaware of it at the time, those moments were the finest of my childhood. It was during those instances that mom cuddled up to whisper loving words into my ears. But, there were also days when she found the rogue life to be extremely difficult, especially with two children.

Nevertheless, even through the bad days she still managed to smile. No matter what the adversity, her amiable disposition never wavered.

I reminisce back to those happier times. The times when we could just stare at the stars all night and giggle, picturing them to be millions of fireflies dancing across the sky. It's moments like those that I hold onto. Because I know that deep down, no matter what my mother's behavior, she still loves me.

She's my mom. She's always been there for me. Even when our family got separated she stayed by my side. That had to mean something, right?

A tear falls down my eye and I sniffle weakly. "She's alone, and she's hurt."

It feels as if the damn is finally about to break. I was keeping everything bottled up inside for so long now that it's all finally rushing to the surface.

I sob quietly and continue to look at the moon through my tear-streaked eyes. "I would give anything to have you safe mom, anything."

My sobbing grows louder and I begin hiccuping uncontrollably. I attempt to take deep breaths in efforts to calm myself, but it proves futile.

I feel completely and utterly despondent. I'm losing everyone that I love and I don't know what to do. I don't know whom to turn to.

I keep my eyes shut and hold tightly onto the windowpane. The quiet sobs never cease, but rather escalates, due to thoughts of her battered body.