Sorry

two

abia kamin

Justine. That name lingered in my head for days, wondering why he would call me that. Mateo was in class with me when he heard Anders call my name, yet continued to mistake me for some Justine?

My breaths and steps were in sync, picking up speed as I began running faster. My town was not big. Close enough to an everyone knows everyone place, without everyone actually knowing everyone. This made running a lap around the town easy. I loved blasting music in my headphones while being nosy and looking in people's homes.

I stopped in my tracks, squinting my eyes at a familiar person in a house belonging to someone unknown to me. But I recognized that man. The man's large hands held the woman's head, giving her a passionate kiss as he lifted her off her feet. Her body wrapped his before they laid in bed.

I spent my entire life shielded by everything terrible. My parents went through all of it so I did not have to. Not only did I have parents who protected me, but my older siblings were wolves towards anyone who looked our family wrong. Then there's this, the one thing my family couldn't shield me from—my boyfriend sleeping with our teacher. I wish I could be shocked by her actions, but it's Ryan's that tore me apart. Clawing, tearing my insides. It was not anger. It was not sadness. It was emotions I've never felt before.

True betrayal. I have everything and more to Ryan. I always tried to convince myself the feelings were mutual, but I found myself trying more than him. I often found myself pleading for his attention while savouring the crumbs he gave me. Deep down, I knew he was with me for convenience and longing for an opportunity to leave me. That's why I did everything for him. Everything he wanted in hopes that he would never leave me. I needed him more than he needed me.

No longer able to watch, I continued my run, feeling my heart shredding the faster I went. My feet slammed against the ground, not knowing where I was going only that no amount of distance would be far enough from Ryan. With that single thought, my runner's high guided me until I found myself in a swarm of trees. Tall and thick. Dead in the night, the full moon was the only thing lighting up my path.

Feeling heavy, my body fell as I landed on my knees. The dirt and twigs dug into the skin of my knees and palms but I couldn't be bothered. A glossy coat covered my eyes, forcing me into never ending tears—the only way I could properly express my anger. My fingers crept into the dirt, clenching when I let out a scream I did not know I had in me. It pierced through my headphones, cutting the music flat. The birds and animals around caused the ground to rumble as they fled the scene.

This pent up feeling was indescribable. The feeling of knowing things wouldn't ever be the same again. A huge shift was taking place and I had no idea how much my life was going to change. All I knew was I walked out of that forest a different Abia.

The weight lifted up and I finally brought my head up. The first thing I saw were glowing red eyes in the distance. I felt no fear. Whatever emotion that now stirred through me made me believe I was the predator and whoever those eyes belonged to was the prey. I slowly stood onto my feet, walking in the opposing direction of the glowing eyes. The abundance of trees and minimal light made it impossible to know where to go, yet I wasn't lost. Like clockwork, my body guided itself through these trees and back to my house.

I opened the front door of my house and shut it behind me, making sure to lock it. The scent of my home was a relief. Reminder of my safety. I removed my shoes and went up the stairs to my bedroom. Tossing my headphones on my bed, I lazily stripped my clothes. A shower was the exact thing I needed.

-

I did not want to feel like a mess. Like my life was falling apart because of a boy. But I could not lie to myself or anyone else because that is exactly how I felt. The weekend gave me time to think and cutting off contact with Ryan was the first thing I did upon gaining clarity. The challenge was whether I could do the same in person. I was scared. Scared that as soon as I saw him, I would crumble and beg for answers. But I did not want answers. I did not want closure. I wanted a clean cut. Him permanently out of my life despite the important place he held in it for a majority of my life.