Sorry

two

abia kamin

Justine. That name lingered in my head for days, wondering why he would call me that. Mateo was in class with me when he heard Anders call my name, yet continued to mistake me for some Justine?

My breaths and steps were in sync, picking up the speed as I began running faster. My town was not big. Close enough to an everyone knows everyone place, without everyone actually knowing everyone. This made running a lap around the town easy. Blasting music in my headphones while being nosy and looking in people's homes.

I stopped in my tracks, squinting my eyes at a familiar person in a house for someone that was unknown to me. But I recognized that man. The man's large hands held the woman's head, giving her a passionate kiss as he lifted her off her feet. Her body wrapped his before they laid in bed.

I spent my entire life shielded by everything terrible. My parents went through all of it so I did not have to. Not only did I have parents who protected me, but my older siblings who always acted as wolves towards anyone who looked at any of us wrong. It was a privilege to say that the worse thing I had felt were all slight inconveniences shown my way. Until I saw my boyfriend sleeping with our teacher. I wish I could be shocked by her actions, but it was Ryan's that tore me apart. Clawing, tearing my insides. It was not anger. It was not sadness. It was emotions I had never felt before.

True betrayal. I had given everything and more to Ryan. I always tried to convince myself that the feelings were mutual, but I found myself trying more than him. Often finding myself pleading for his attention. Pleading him to do acts that other girls had their boyfriends doing for them. Deep down, I knew he was with me for convenience. Longing for an opportunity to leave me. That's why I did everything for him. Everything he wanted in hopes that he would never leave me. I needed him more than he needed me.

No longer being able to watch, I continued my run, feeling my heart shredding the faster I went. I was being chased by these wolves that I was struggling to out run. My family no where in sight when I needed them the most. My feet slammed against the ground, not knowing where I was going until I found myself in a swarm of trees. Tall and thick. Dead in the night, the full moon being the only thing lighting up my path.

Feeling heavy, my body fell as I landed on my knees. The dirt and twigs dug into my skin, leaving me unbothered. A glossy coat covered my eyes, forcing me into never ending tears. My fingers crept into the dirt, clenching when I let out a scream that I did not know I had. A scream from the pain infiltrating me. It pierced through my headphones, cutting the sound in itself. The birds and animals making the ground rumble as they fled the scene. This pent up feeling was indescribable. The feeling of knowing that things were not going to be the same ever again. A huge shift was taking place and I had no idea how much my life was going to change.

The weight had been lifted up and I had finally been able to bring my head up. The first thing I could see were glowing red eyes from the distance. I felt no fear. Almost like I knew I had an army behind me, ready for whatever was staring me down. I slowly brought myself to my feet, walking in the opposing direction of the glowing eyes. Being amidst the forest, my feet guided me out, almost like I knew where I was going. But I didn't.

I opened the front door of my house, shutting it behind me and making sure to lock it. The scent of my home was a relief. Reminder of my safety. I removed my shoes and went up the stairs to my bedroom. Tossing my headphones on my bed, I lazily stripped my clothes. A shower was the exact thing I needed.

-

I did not want to feel like a mess. Like my life was falling apart because of a boy. But I could not lie to myself or anyone else. Because that is exactly how it was. The weekend gave me time to think, being able to cut contact with Ryan for the time being. The challenge was whether I could do the same in person. I was scared. Scared that as soon as I saw him, I would crumble and beg for answers. But I did not want answers. I did not want closure. I wanted a clean cut. Him permanently out of my life despite the important place he held in it for a majority of my life.