Sorry

twenty two

abia kamin

Graduation slowly approaching allowed me to fully distract myself with anything other than Mateo. Jemmy woke up and despite remembering everything, Luna handled things for me. No one had to die. My siblings were around for a few more days and I attempted to make up for lost time with them. Things were normal. Nothing supernatural was going on and it made me forget. Except for when I was in bed alone at night.

"My parents are gone for the night. Do you guys want to sleepover?" Renai offered as we walked the line in the cafeteria. I brought a slice of pizza onto my tray.

"I can come after Rowan's football game," Hadlee offered, not noticing me flinch at his name. I hated that my emotions weren't still at a stage where I couldn't hear Mateo or his twin's name.

I didn't mind having a sleepover at her house, but was definitely opposed to attending that football game. "I'll stop by your house after the game," I searched the cafeteria for a table to sit at. 

"Let's sit with the guys," Renai suggested, referring to Ryan and Jay's table. For once, I was not opposed to it. I sat beside Ryan, taking him by surprise. His body stiffened like he worried about how to go about things. Sitting beside him was a blast from the past. That's the only thing that could explain why I held his arm and leaned on him to rest my head on his shoulder.

"Hey. You okay?" He kissed the top of my head, putting his hand on my leg. I wasn't okay and I was tired of being asked that question.

I knew despite the some comfort it gave me, doing this was wrong. I knew he'd take this as me being open to giving him a second chance. In reality, I'd embarrassingly accept this type of support from anyone who would offer it. That's how broken and confused I felt.

"I'm okay," I assured him then went on to eat lunch. He broke into conversation with everyone else at the table and I felt like there were eyes watching me. Eating my food, I scanned the cafeteria until I settled on Rowan's cool eyes. His arms were crossed while he leaned against the wall, shamelessly staring at me. I frowned, hoping my eye contact would force him to look away but it didn't. He looked near to mad but also sad. I thought maybe I should talk to him, but I think I might cry.

Later that night I went to Renai's house. It was the exact breather that I needed. We stole wine from her parents' wine cooler. Out of all three of us, I had the most to drink. I was gulping it down, using it as a good distraction to take my mind off of things. Things like Mateo.

I missed him. I missed him so much it hurt. For someone who feels heightened emotions, it surprised me how easily he walked away from things. Did this bond only affect me? Clearly I was in it way deeper than he was and it left me vulnerable and hurt. What hurt most is I knew why he had to leave me, I just wish we could've come up with something together because now I feel like a part of me was ripped out.

"That's enough, A," Hadlee pried the wine bottle from my hands but I wouldn't let go. It was a back and forth tug of war. I knew she had the strength to pull it from me, but she was scared. "Abia, knock it off."

"You are a buzzkill. What's gotten into you?" She used to get the drunkest of us all. She loved partying and all the substances that came with it. Now I stood in Renai's kitchen, fighting with Hadlee over wine.

"What's gotten into you? You can't drink your feelings away. You're sad during the day and drunk during the night. I don't like it," she argued but talking had made her lose focus. I snatched it back then quickly chugged the rest of the wine down. It was sweet and dry. "You are in no position to drinking. You need to stop."

"Why? Because I'm heartbroken? I think drinking is exactly what I need," I laughed harder than I should have. I hate admitting that the bastard broke my heart. But he broke me beyond repair and the future was starting to feel scary. I can't see mine without him.