Sorry

twenty

abia kamin

The storage unit was filled with things. There was some furniture, but mostly filing cabinets. Mateo definitely is organized but not organized enough because it was taking forever to find this book. Thankfully this city seems to never sleep.

"Wait I think I found something," Luna cheered as she searched through a cabinet behind me. I ignored her, coming across what seemed like a journal. One similar to the one Mateo had in his drawer at home. It was dated to 1999. It slips my mind that Mateo is old. Considering how outdated this was written, I didn't think it would be awful for me to read.

I dreamed about her again today. More of a nightmare than a dream, but nightmare makes me feel like she still has power over me. She does though. I see cherry blossoms and I still think of her. I smell fresh strawberries and I think of her hair. Everything reminds me of her. Everything reminds me of my poor judgment and how I stupid I was to believe that someone like her could really love someone like me. I blame her, but it's really my fault. I was naive and now I have to live with that. Things shouldn't be this hard, but they are. Everyday I wake up telling myself that today is my last day. I tell myself that I can't do it anymore. But this time I mean it.
Rowan, I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let a girl be the reason of my death, but I can no longer do this. If you receive this letter, it means I'm gone. Please don't mourn me because believe me when I say I died the day she did. The day she tried to kill me. I've never liked this world and you know that. It's black and white with no joy or anything to look forward to. I hate it. I hate my life and I wish I could be you—an optimist. But I'm not.

The letter shook in my hands. My hands were shaking and portions of the letters were now damp from my tears. This was supposed to be his suicide note. He was going to kill himself. My chest was being stabbed a million times at the thought of Mateo ending it all. I wasn't even born yet, but I wish I had been, just so I could meet him earlier. No one deserves to feel this low in life and it breaks my heart thinking about him being alone.

"Finally. I found the name and address. Let's go," Luna shoved a drawer shut. I quickly closed the journal and put it away. Rushing out the unit, I wiped my tears in hope that my eyes were not red from my crying. This trip needs to speed up because all I want to do is hug Mateo.

We got into the car and she typed the address into her phone. "Where are we going?" The voice in the back asked, making us both jump in our seats. I turned around to see my brother. We never invited him.

"W-What are you doing?" Luna threw a punch at him but he didn't seem in a joking mood right now.

"The question is, what are you guys doing here?" Damon threw the question back at us.

Luna and I looked at each other, wondering if my brother could be trusted. But we both stayed silent and decided not answering was the best answer. So she drove us to the store, but not without him asking every question in the book about what we were doing and where we were going. When we arrived at the small store, Damon's questions became worse. We got out of the car in hopes of leaving him behind but he followed up.

Opening the door, and angelic chime sound alerted the clerk of our presence. The smell of cinnamon hit us right in the face. Herbs and crystals were all over the store. There was other random items that I was not familiar with. But they seemed familiar to some of the things that my mother has but hasn't taught me about.

"May I help you?" The clerk was an older man. A grandfather with a full head of white hair. It contrasted with his dark skin.

"I'm looking for Arnold?" I read the paper that Luna handed me.

"And what is it to you?" He was hesitant about what we might be looking for.

"I'm looking for vervain. My friend—Mateo Ardon—said this would be the place to get it?" I asked and he stayed still, examining the appearance of my siblings and I. He held his breath, giving the impression that he had no intentions of answering me. After a quick glance to my side, I could see my brother's shocked expression. I trust him all the same as Luna. But he's scarily protective.