Thirty One Things I Never Told You

The Twenty Third And Twenty Fourth Things I Never Said

One word Lucas... Awkwarrdd... yeah i wish i could just get the courage to talk to you.

......

     I sit nervously in between my ex best friend and a guy who is slowly breaking my heart. I find comfort in twiddling my thumbs, the cracked black nail polish suddenly making me feel more and more self conscious than i have ever felt in my life. Isn't that funny? Out of all the things other people dislike about me... of all the imperfections, i find discomfort in the state of my nails. I feel tempted to ask Jackson to turn on the radio, but my throat is closed up.  I'm left alone with tension that cant even be cut with a knife, and all the insecurities that have piled up over the years, even ones that i thought were gone for good.

    And suddenly i feel bad for not letting Riley explain herself when we were getting in the car, and reacting how i did when Lucas said it was just a kiss. I just needed to - to talk.

Zach must have noticed that i was tense because he said "Hey Maya you alright back there?"

   I simply nodded feeling all eyes on me and the pressure to just go along with it. At times like this i miss Zay. He was like my brother he would have understood, He would have listened. But he's back in Texas. I would try to talk to Billy about it but i don't know how he would react to this. Zay is the only one i trust right now beside Zach.

"Alright everybody, this is too awkward for our own good." Jackson said. I tensed, because i was hoping that we could maybe just ignore the tension.

And I'm not depressed. I'm just anxious. Or maybe not, I'm ambivalent. Yep, thats it. Ive got two conflicting feelings in me right now.. but i don't know what they are.

"Will you guys at least talk?" Jackson asked.

"Fuck." I breathed.

"Well... thats a start, look if your all uncomfortable we can just turn back and go home." He said.

"No! No.. we're fine its cool, where are we going anyways?" I asked.

"Haunted houseee~" Zach said as if he was a ghost. I laughed and rolled my eyes.

"Alright then, i hope you losers don't get too scared." I said smiling.

For the rest of the ride i looked at my lap and sung along to the song "Gasoline" By Halsey because that song had meaning to me, in ways I'm sure nobody else felt.

Are you insane like me?

Been in pain like me?

Bought a hundred dollar bottle of champagne like me?

Just to pour that mother fucker down the drain like me?

I felt Lucas's eyes on me the entire time, I wasn't uncomfortable under his glance just a little annoyed.

"Take a picture huckelberry" I said under my breath. I took out my phone just as we pulled up to the haunted house.

"Alright hop out people." Jackson said. Lucas got out the left door and Riley got out the right. I sat there for a couple of seconds, composing myself before i had to face these... people.

"Alright lets do this shit." I smiled and sauntered over to the house.

"why do you cuss so much?" Riley asked.

"Why do you annoy me so much?" I asked her.

"Because i can." she said firmly.

"Well, theres your answer." I said smirking and then taking Zach by the hand and pulling him with me to go get food.