Abandoned, But Not Alone

13 - Grief

I woke up in the morning and Dean was still asleep. I sat at the desk and just thought. How did Sam die? I asked myself. Was it those dogs I heard? How could he be gone? Dean didn't even try to stop them. He really doesn't care about me or Sam. I told myself. Dean woke up about an hour later. He got up and walked over to me.

~Dean's POV~

I went over to Hannah who was sitting at the desk. A few tears were still falling. I crouched down to her level. She looked so hurt and I couldn't believe that I was stupid enough to cause this. "Hey kiddo. I'm so sorry about all of this." I stated.

"What happened, Dean?" She asked through the tears.

"Ok. There was a demon we were going after. He killed Sam's girlfriend several years ago and he killed our mom when Sam was 6 months old. He was back around so we went to go kill him so he would stop hurting people. He got ahold of Sam and started hurting him. He gave me a choice. I had to either give you over to him and he would turn you into a demon or I let him take Sam to hell. Sam told me to let him go and save you. That's what I did. He took Sam, but gave you and me safe passage out of there. Sam died because that's the only way to get taken to hell." This started another wave of tears in her.

"So I'm the reason Sam's dead? Why didn't you just let me go, Dean?" She asked almost angrily.

"It's not your fault. I didn't let you go because I can probably get Sam back, but if you became a demon, I can't get you back from that." I explained. She nodded. "I'm so sorry, kiddo."

"Can I ask you a question?" She asked softly.

"Of course. Any questions you have about this you can ask." I replied.

"Do you, and have you ever, actually loved and cared about me, Dean?" She asked. How could she doubt that?

"Of course. Why do you think I don't?"

The rate of tears increased and I felt so bad for her.

"Come here." I told her. She came and sat next to me on the bed.

"You didn't let me say goodbye to Sam, up until now, you didn't even talk to me about any of this. I hate all of this. I can't stop crying. You didn't even try to stop Sam from dying. You got Sam killed and ruined my life. My life was bad enough before. It just doesn't seem like you care about me and how I feel at all." She said. I had no idea I was hurting her so much.

"I didn't let you say goodbye because it wasn't safe for you to come out from behind me and because I didn't want you to see that much death and damage. You're so young and I didn't want to expose you to that. Death changes you in a bad way. I didn't talk to you because it's hard on me too and I was having trouble processing it to talk to you. I couldn't have stopped Sam from dying. The only way I could have done that was to give you up and I was not going to do that. I was protecting you. I still love you and care about you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't have saved you. I know this is hard on you and that its my fault. Just know that I'm here for you and I love you." She nodded. "Now, let's head back home. I have someone I can call who may be able to save Sam." I added. We got back in the impala and drove back to the bunker.

"So who are you going to call?" She asked as we got there.

"Cas. He's an angel. Most of the angels are jerks, but he's a good one. He can help." I explained. I prayed to Cas. "Cas, we need your help. I know you're busy but I need help."

He appeared in a flash. "What do you need, Dean?" He asked before looking around. "Where's Sam?"

"That's why I need your help. Sam's in hell. I had to make a choice and this is what Sam told me to choose." I explained vaguely, attempting to try to avoid the guilt.

He was about to object but replied with another question. "Who is this tiny human?" He asked, oblivious.

"Her name is Hannah. Sam and I rescued her a while ago. It's a long story."

"So what was this choice?"

"Either Azazel turns Hannah into a demon and uses her or Sam goes to hell. Sam told me to save Hannah. Please tell me you can get him back." I begged.

"Maybe. I don't know though, Dean. Azazel is powerful. I don't know that I can get Sam out. I will try." He stated.

"Ok. Just try. Do what you have to do. We need him back." Cas nodded before speaking again.

"Why is the tiny human staring at me?" He asked in a quiet voice.

"She's never seen an angel before. It's ok." I replied with a slight chuckle. He nodded then disappeared. I was happy he didn't yell at me about what happened, but I almost wished he had. I would have deserved it. I screwed up big time. I was lost in my thoughts of what I could have changed and how horrible I made things.

"You ok Dean?" Hannah asked, pulling me from my thoughts.

"Yeah. Just thinking." I replied. "Don't worry." I stated. I didn't feel like doing anything. The guilt was overwhelming. We just sat on the couch and watched tv the entire day, only taking a break for lunch and dinner. I was putting Hannah to bed when she spoke up as I was heading out.

"Dean," She said softly. I turned around to look at her and noticed the tears in her eyes. "I'm sorry."

"For what, kiddo?" I asked.

"Everything. I made your life more difficult and I am the reason Sam is dead. I am the reason my life before you guys was so bad. And I honestly think you should have given me up and saved Sam. After all, he's family. I'm just a rescue off the street." She ranted. I never intended for her to take everything so hard and feel so much guilt. She continued to cry-Something I was tired of seeing because it broke me every time. She was such a sweet innocent kid and yet we threw her into our mess of a life.

"Hannah, please don't cry." She didn't stop. I picked her up even though she was already in bed. She cried into my shoulder. "Honey, this isn't your fault at all. You did make our lives more difficult but I wouldn't take it back for anything. I love that Sam made me stop and that we took you in. We love you. You are not the reason your life before was bad. Your life before us was bad because your dad is a seriously messed up man who needs professional help. That is not your fault. And please, please, please don't say you're not a part of us. You are just as much family as Sam is. If Sam dying is anyone's fault, it's mine. You said it yourself before. I got him killed. Don't blame yourself. And last but not least, it's ok to cry. I know you cry a lot and that's ok. A lot has happened to you and things are bad right now. You are totally allowed to cry. If you ever need to talk or need a hug or need me to do what I am right now, let me know. I care about you and I love you to death." I said before setting her back down.

"Thanks, Dean. One more thing I want to say... I'm not mad at you. I know I got mad before because you let Sam get killed, but it's not as much your fault as you say it is. You had to make a choice and Sam was ok with it. You did what you had to do and you protected me." She added.

"Thanks kiddo. Let's get some sleep." She nodded and I tucked her back in and gave her a kiss on the forehead goodnight. She smiled as I left the room.