Abandoned, But Not Alone

16 - Fight

This was the first time in quite a while I had sat down to eat and actually had my appetite. In the weeks leading up to me talking to Dean, I hadn't felt like doing anything but sleep.

"You seem to be wanting to eat more again." Dean commented.

"Yeah. I'm feeling a bit better." I replied. "Thanks for suggesting to talk to Dean, Hannah." I added.

"Wait, Hannah told you to talk to me?" He asked. His tone almost sounded angry.

"Yeah. I didn't want to talk to you, but she convinced me." I replied calmly. I didn't see what the big deal was.

"Am I really that unapproachable, Sam? Were you that afraid to talk to me? It took an 8 year old to convince you to talk to your own brother about something he's been through too?" He asked harshly. He sounded seriously offended.

"Hannah, can you give Dean and I a minute?" I asked the terrified Hannah sitting at the table. She put her pizza down and left the room. "Dean, why are you so mad?" I asked. I hadn't seen him this mad at me in a long time.

"Why were you so afraid to talk to me? Am I really not someone anyone can talk to? I went through hell too, I know how bad it is, yet it took Hannah to convince you to talk to me." He explained. I understood where he was coming from but didn't agree 100% with his logic.

"Look, Dean I get where you're coming from. If you want to know why I didn't go to you right away, I'll tell you. I was afraid to talk to you and it's because of the way you act about everything whether it's good or bad." I started.

"What are you talking about?" He asked, clueless.

"You are so opposed to any form of emotion. It's like you cringe at the thought of tears, at the thought of happiness, at the thought of anything. You have your "no chick flick" policy and I was afraid to cry and get upset in front of you because of it. I wanted to talk to you eventually but I partly needed time to process what happened and I also didn't know if I wanted to deal with you being judgmental about my emotions. Hannah told me how worried you were and then I decided to deal with any judgement and talk to you because I didn't want you to be any more worried." I explained.

"Did you forget that I cried when I told you about my trip to hell?" He asked accusingly.

"I did remember that, but you try to avoid any emotion you can whether it's from you or another person. I just didn't want to deal with it, ok? Just leave me alone about it. I talked to you, didn't I? Just let it go." I stated, hoping he'd drop it.

"No. I won't drop it, Sammy. Do you not think there's a reason behind my no chick flick thing? I don't mean to come across like I'm so unapproachable and you don't really know why I do." He asked. I had no clue. I shook my head. "You weren't old enough at the time to know this... Dad forced me to hold my emotions inside, Sam. He made me not care about anything except that my duty was to protect you. That's all. I never showed sadness, I never really showed happiness, I never got to grieve mom, it was all because dad forced me to ignore all emotions. That's why I have that freaking policy. Dad made me do it and now I can't change. I have emotions, but I can't bring myself to show them even to this day." He stated. He had a hint of sadness in his voice.

"Dean, I-" I started.

"I don't want you or Hannah thinking I can't be talked to. If something serious is going on, I'm not gonna judge you for your emotions no matter what the policy is. What I don't get is why you couldn't talk to me without having to be convinced. You know that I went through it too. You know that I understand exactly how you feel emotionally. You know that I care about you, at least I hope you do. Why would you ever think that I would be mad or hate you or be mean about how you felt?" He asked still with anger present in his voice.

"Dean, I'm sorry, ok? It's just that you live by that stupid policy and just about every time I go to say something about how I feel about everything, you say no chick flick moments, and any time you want to say something about emotions then you say that you know there's no chick flick moments but you need to say this. If you're so sure about not wanting to go by that stupid policy anymore, then start acting like it." I retorted angrily, picked up my pizza slices and my beer, then went to my room. I passed Hannah in the hallway who looked the most scared I've ever seen her. "If you want to know what happened, go talk to Dean." I told her blankly. I went in my room and shut the door.

After a while, there was a knock. The door opened before I could tell them to go away. It was Hannah.

"I said if you want to know, go talk to Dean." I snapped angrily.

"Sam, please don't." She begged.

"Don't what?" I asked.

"Yell at me. I didn't mean to do anything. Dean told me what happened. I get why both of you are mad. Just please stop being mad at me." She said. Tears were coming and I didn't want them to.

"Hey, hey, don't cry. Please, please, don't cry. You didn't do anything. Dean and I are just mad at each other. I'm not mad at you." I consoled.

"I'm not saying that I think Dean's right but do you understand what he's saying?" She asked. Since when did she want to solve our problems, let alone understand all of what was going on?

"Yes. I know he's saying that he's trying to understand our emotions more and that he's trying to stop his "no chick flick moments" policy, but he's hardly acting like it. He's not acting like someone I can ever talk to because he always throws that in my face." I replied.

"He understands that, Sam." She stated simply. "Can I ask a question?" She asked quietly.

"Sure." I stated calmly.

"Can you help me reheat some pizza? You told me to leave and I never really got much food." She asked.

"Of course, kiddo." I replied. We went back to the main room and Dean started talking.

"Dean, stop. We'll talk about this later." I snapped, cutting him off. He nodded and sat back down. I heated Hannah's pizza back up and we all finished eating in silence.