Abandoned, But Not Alone

15 - Truth

~Dean's POV~

"Sam, how you holding up?" I asked as he came out of her room.

"Ok. Not great, but ok. How the heck did you make it through hell?" He asked with a hint of sadness in his voice.

"I don't know, Sam. It was hard to say the least. I barely made it out at all. You did and that's what matters." He nodded then went to bed. I knew and could tell he wasn't ok. No one who goes through that ends up ok in the end. I was actually worried about him. I blew it off for the time being and headed to bed myself.

The days drug on and on. Sam seemed to be slowly deteriorating emotionally. He spent more and more time asleep and got increasingly more distant. I could tell that hell was destroying him, and Hannah could tell too.

"Dean, is Sam ok?" She asked during one of Sam's frequent naps. "He's avoiding us a lot."

"No. Not really. Hell is a complicated and messed up place. It impacted him a lot. I know what it's like, but even I wasn't this messed up. I'll talk to him eventually, but I want to give him time to work through it too." I replied.

"Ok. I just don't want to see him so upset." She stated.

"I know, kiddo. It's ok." I replied calmly. I wasn't sure I believed that it was really ok, but I needed to be strong for her.

"Can I go talk to him?" She asked cautiously.

"He's asleep, but you can go in. I wouldn't wake him up, but go ahead and go in. He'll probably love to see you when he wakes up." I reasoned. I was hoping she would cheer him up a tad.

~Sam's POV~

I heard the door shut and woke up. Hannah was standing at the door. I must have had an angry look because she looked flustered. "I'm sorry, Sammy. I tried to shut it quietly. I didn't mean to wake you up." She said softly and frantically.

"Hey, it's ok. Why do you sound scared?" I asked.

"You've been really distant and upset and your temper is really sensitive." She replied, the scared sound never leaving her voice.

"Kiddo, come here." I stated. She came over and sat next to me on the bed. "I'm sorry I've been distant and upset. Hell is a messed up and horrible place. A lot happened and it's hard to deal with. And I'm sorry about my temper. I'm not trying to have a bad temper. I'm just dealing with a lot." I explained. She nodded in understanding.

"Dean didn't tell me to say anything to you about this, but please, talk to Dean. He's really worried about you." She added. I didn't know he was that worried. I wasn't sure I wanted to talk about it. "Please?" She begged. I nodded. I left the room with Hannah and joined Dean in the main room.

"Dean, can I talk to you privately?" I asked. He nodded and we headed out the door. "Hannah, we'll be just outside. Please stay inside and we'll be back in in a while." She nodded and we left. Dean and I sat on the curb outside the bunker.

"Sam, I just want to say I'm sorry you had to go to hell. I know it sucks." He stated.

"Yeah. I don't know what to say, just pretty much hell sucked. So much happened and I know it's changing me as much as I don't want it to." I stated. I was hoping he would ask about it so I could explain without having that fear of crying or getting upset.

"I'm sure it did. It wasn't exactly great for me either. I know you don't want it to change you, but I feel like that's inevitable. Not because you aren't strong enough, but because no one is." Dean replied vaguely.

"Dean, are you really not curious about what happened?" I asked accusingly.

"Yeah, Sam. I'm totally curious, but you're not telling me about hell, and I'm not pushing." He said in reply.

"Can I tell you?" I asked cautiously.

"Of course, little bro."

"Ok. You have to understand that things were bad though, Dean. I don't know how long I'll keep my composure." He nodded in understanding. "Ok. So, I'll start from the beginning. First off, I was so scared for you and Hannah. I didn't know that he would go through with his deal and I didn't know how bad those hell hounds would really hurt when their goal is to drag you to hell. Things were fading fast, and suddenly I was in hell. It wasn't like you described when you went though. I wasn't chained up or anything. I was just there in a room with about 5 or 6 other souls. Azazel was there in front of me. He told me we were doing things differently. I had to torture to the point of them dying then coming back to be tortured again, like you had done to you, to every soul in the room, and for each one I didn't torture, I got that many years worth of torture as punishment. You know as well as I do that a month up here is 10 years down there. Azazel knew I wouldn't touch them. I lost count of the years at about 45 or so. I put up with the torture for 45 years. But I gave in eventually, Dean. This was the worst thing I have ever done in my life. We've done some messed up things, but this topped it off. I tore into those souls mercilessly so that I could avoid the torture. At the end of every day, I felt myself becoming more and more like them. I started to enjoy the rush. I stopped caring who I hurt. I cared more about saving myself. And I- I" I started but could barely bring myself to say it. "I didn't give you and Hannah a second thought either. I thought that was how I would end up for the rest of my life and it wouldn't matter if I got back to you guys or not because you guys wouldn't want me around after you heard this anyways. The way I feel, Dean. The way I feel about what I did, the way I feel about what was done to me, the way I feel about how horrible I am... I wish I couldn't feel a dang thing and I wish I-" I tried to continue but I couldn't even formulate my thoughts and I couldn't avoid the tears. I stopped talking and shook my head.

"Sam, first off, I'm sorry. I know hell sucks. I thought it was bad for me, but you had it far worse. You lasted so much longer than me though. I was only in there for 4 months and I gave up after 3. You were in there for 5 and you lasted 4 1/2. I know it sucks that you tortured people, but I'm proud that you lasted so long. You are nothing like them and I really hope you can start to realize that. Anyone put in that situation would give in at some point. You are nothing like a demon. About you not thinking about Hannah or me," he started.

"Don't even say it, Dean. I know you're mad." I cut him off.

"I'm not mad at all. I know that things flood your head and usually at that point, getting out and the people waiting for you on the other side don't even cross your mind. I remember having moments like that too. We would never stop wanting you around because you admitted to what happened in hell. You are nothing like a demon and you never will be. I know you wish you were numb inside and you couldn't feel anything. I still feel that way sometimes even after all these years. This doesn't make you a bad person. I know talking to me doesn't make you feel better about anything you did, and it's not gonna make you feel better about anything, but I'm proud of you. You survived hell and you are still a great person and an awesome brother. Don't be so hard on yourself. Thanks for talking. Since we're already in a chick flick kind of mood, please know that just because I'm not a sensitive chick flick moment kind of person doesn't mean you can't talk to me about something. I'm still your brother. If that's why you didn't talk to me until now, then I'm sorry I come across like no one can talk to me." Dean added.

"Thanks, Dean. Thanks for listening. Now, let's head back inside. I want a hug from my little girl." I replied. Dean was being so considerate which was almost abnormal. I really think bringing Hannah in changed something in him.  I went in and Hannah came up to me and gave me a big hug. I picked her up.

"Are you ok now, Daddy?" She asked. I chuckled lightly at her calling me daddy again.

"I'm better. Not 100% ok, but better than I was. You ready for some dinner, kiddo?" I asked before pulling a frozen pizza from the freezer and putting it in the oven.