Abandoned, But Not Alone

18 - Pity

Bed time was a good time to talk to Sam because it made Hannah as least involved as possible.

"Sam?" I asked as he headed to his room. "Can I talk to you about something. I know I don't-" I started but caught myself. "I want to talk about something I noticed. I don't know why this is happening and I don't know if you have any ideas."

"Sure." He replied and joined me at a table. "What's up?"

~Sam's POV~

Dean sounded worried. "I noticed something today... I hardly pick up on emotions anymore. I used to spot you or even Hannah seeming off or scared or upset, any of that, but I can't seem to pick up on stuff anymore. I could tell you were off because you slept so much and avoided us, but I couldn't even tell why Hannah was scared. Something has changed recently and I don't know what it is. I come across as this horrible person who can't pick up on or show emotion and that's not how I want Hannah to see me. What do you think changed, Sam?" Dean asked. He seemed so worried about us viewing him like a jerk. That was weird in and of itself because he never seemed to care what anyone thought about him, let alone me.

"Before I answer your question, you do not come across like a horrible person. I guarantee you she doesn't see you like that. She loves you to death and knows you care about her. The only idea I have for that is that we've had a lot of tough hunts over the past few years. You've hid how you felt on them and how hurt you really were. Hunts change you, Dean. I know they do. And some of our worst hunts have been when Hannah is around. The hunts changing you doesn't make you a bad person. Hunts change everybody." I explained. That was my only logical idea.

"Then why do you seem unchanged by the hunts?" He asked, confused.

"I've changed too. I know I have. I'm a wreck inside and I don't mean from hell. We have such a messed up life and the reason I haven't acted different around Hannah is because she doesn't need to have a messed up life like us. Her life is already ruined by being with us. The least I can do for her is act like I'm normal and like the hunts are just hunts and that neither of us are changed in the end and try to give her a normal-ish life. Believe me, I'm changed. The hunts destroy us." I added. Dean nodded sadly. "Dean, I didn't mean to act like I'm better than you because I can hide that from Hannah, I-"

"I know, Sam. I knew what you meant." He cut me off. "It just sucks because I was originally the one she talked to all the time and now it's you and she calls you daddy all the time and she's so afraid to say much to me. She accidentally called me daddy one day and she got scared and corrected herself because she thought I'd be mad. She never talks to me anymore. You're the one who's sensitive to her emotions and I'm just this mess of a person who doesn't seem to care about her." He stated. I couldn't help but feel bad for him. He always had so much guilt about everything, but this was the first time I'd ever seen him show how he felt.

"Dean, she doesn't think of you that way. She's just not sure how you're gonna act. With me, she knows exactly how I'm gonna act because that's just kind of how I am I guess. My emotions and feelings are really easy to judge. With you, it's harder and due to her background, she doesn't want to risk too much. You are not, for the thousandth time, a mess of a person, Dean. Don't be so hard on yourself. Hannah and I do not think of you as being a mess. If it will make you feel better, I'll talk to Hannah about it." I suggested.

"Thanks. If you want to, talk to her." He replied. I nodded. We had put her to bed only a few minutes earlier so there was a good chance she was still up. I walked into her room.

"Hannah?" I asked. She rolled over onto her back.

"Yeah, Sam? Is something wrong?" She asked fearfully.

"Nothing is wrong per se. I just need to talk to you about something." She sat up and gave me a nod. "Ok. This is about Dean. Are you comfortable talking to him about stuff?" She nodded. "Do you think he cares about you?"

"Of course. Why?" She asked, completely confused.

"Dean feels like you don't feel comfortable talking to him and that you think he doesn't care about you. He feels bad because he's starting to notice that he has a hard time picking up on your emotions and he thinks that makes him a bad person. He says you're afraid to talk to him because he said that one day you called him dad on accident and then got scared he would get mad. He feels like you only talk to me and that you're scared to say anything to him. The hunts change us and he feels bad because he can't hide how changed we are from you." I explained.

"What do you mean hide it from me? Do you?" She asked with a hint of fear.

"Kind of. I have a lot going on emotionally and it's not something you need to see. Trust me on that. Hell is only part of the mess Dean and I deal with and you don't need to deal with it too. Dean just feels like you don't like him anymore and don't want to talk to him anymore." I stated as gently as possible. She nodded.

"Is he still up?" She asked.

"Yeah. He's in the main room." I told her.

"Can I go talk to him?" I nodded. I walked out to the main room with Hannah.

"Hey, why is she up?" Dean asked.

"She wanted to talk to you." I replied.

"Sam told me what you thought and stuff, and I want you to know that it's not true. I love talking to you. I know you care about me. Just because you don't notice how I'm feeling very easily, doesn't make you a bad person. I'm not scared to talk to you. You seem scared to talk to me because you think I'm scared. Sam told me you're hiding how changed you guys are. It's ok, Dean. I still love you and even if you didn't hide it, I'd still love you. You are a great person and an awesome daddy." She said with a smile. Dean actually had tears in his eyes.

"Come here, kiddo." He stated with tears now slightly falling down his face. He scooped her up in a hug. "Thanks, kiddo. I love you too." He set her down after a moment.

"Ok, Hannah. Now, let's get back in bed." She nodded, climbed back in, and said goodnight. I stopped back in the main room before going to bed to say goodnight.

"Goodnight, Dean."

"Goodnight." He said. I walked towards the hallway when he stopped me. "Wait. Sam, thank you." He added with a smile.

"You're welcome." I smiled back then went to bed.