polarize ~ tyler joseph fanfiction

Seventeen

TRIGGER WARNING : DISCUSSES SEXUAL ASSAULT AND DEATH

Josh sat for a second, dumbfounded by the words I'd just presented to him. He opens his mouth, small breaths coming out. His jaw quivers and I know he wants to comfort me, but it's too difficult for him.

He blinks multiple times, focusing his eyes on the window over my shoulder. His eyes barely brush over mine before he turns forward, starting up the car again.

I guess this was a closed case, I'd admitted something that killed me inside and he decided to leave my broken heart hanging by a thread.

I stare at him while he's driving, trying to figure out why he just acted as if I'd said nothing whatsoever.

A warm, wet sensations cleansed my inner eyelids and I can feel the tears coming. I'd let my heart out, something that killed me inside out, to him and he just brushed my words off like a bug on his shoulder.

"J-Josh?" I finally manage, scratching the brace that created a barrier between my nails and my cuts. "Are you, are you going to say anything?"

He detaches his right hand from the steering wheel, lightly placing it over my hand that tried to claw through the brace.

"Re-opening scars isn't pretty, Olivia." He says plainly, not even bothering to look at me.
I feel my jaw fall open and a thousand questions swirl through my mind.
~~~
I lie on my hotel bed, my eyelids thick and heavy. I want to drift away to a peaceful sleep but I know my dreams will be haunted with cries and screams.

Tyler and Josh weren't here, they were put performing at the venue. I requested to stay home, faking a sickness. Josh knew otherwise, though.

My hands shook on my lap as I replayed Wires and his blurry features. I remember his moldy stubble rubbing against me, his calloused hands scraping my hands.

I shutter at the effect the memory has on me, every hair on my back standing.

Warm tears flood my eyes and I can't stop the horrible thoughts from rushing in. I always knew the world was bad, I always knew it had nothing good for me. I always knew I was a tenet and everyone wanted me gone.
I always knew
that I was worthless.

I shake my head, standing from the bed. I needed to write something, anything.

I begin scribbling down random, dark thoughts that creep in from the corner of my mind, catching them up like an eagle catching its prey.

When I'd finished writing, I read over the few lines I scribbled.

Everyone says life is good, life is great
But can no one see the other side?
Does anyone even realize, there are ears in my eyes?
I hear, I see so many things all at once, it's a conjoined sense.
I must be so crazy to you, saying my senses are something more.
You must think I'm weird, yes?
But I must know,
Am I just someone hear that annoys you till death,
or am I an actual friend in your head?
I think the thoughts, randomly sought by the dangers of my mind.
I feel if I disappeared, no one would care what I left behind.
I feel if I left,
no one would see I was gone.

And with that, I shut the book, chucking it across the room. I smile as a loud thunk came from the contact of the book to the wall, watching the papers year as the book clatters to the floor.

I wish I could get out, but it's too dangerous for me.

I wish I could cut, but my secret was out.

My last option was a bit unreasonable, so I'd wait if things got worse.
Suicide.

I think about it, wondering how unreasonable it actually is. It was selfish, yes, but then again I'm so spoiled so why not give my self death along with all the presents?

You should do it.

A voice whispered inside my head, making me think more and more about why it is reasonable.

My dad died in front of me, in my arms back when they were clean.

I was raped by a man I'd given a nickname to.

A man I knew nothing about.

I nearly died with my dad, and looking back, that wouldn't have been so bad.

Wouldn't have been bad at all...