Fifty Shades of Shoey

Chapter 27

Joey's POV:

He cheated on me. He went back to her. He did exactly what he said he would never. I trusted him more than anyone and he let me down. He slept with her. He had sex with her after telling me he loved me. He lied. He's full of bullshit. I hate myself for loving him. Why do I still love him?
My heart is utterly destroyed. I didn't know I could feel so broken.
Shane slept with Lisa after telling me he loved me. How long as he been doing this? How long has this been going on? I can't believe I trusted him. He's full of bullshit. I should have listened to Sawyer. He's known him longer than I have. Goddammit, Joey; why are you so stupid?!
I pass a red light while driving, thankfully not hitting anyone. When I get to the apartment complex I quickly park my car, only to find Shane's car pulling into the parking.
The tears haven't stopped falling since I found him passed out on Lisa's couch with his arm draped over her almost nude body.
The least he could do is leave me alone and he won't even do that for me. He really doesn't love me.
I run inside before Shane can catch up to me. I quickly get into the elevator and see Shane frantically enter the lobby just as the elevator doors begin to close. Our eyes meet but are interrupted by the closing of the doors.
Seeing his face breaks what's left of my heart and brings more tears to my eyes. All I can see when I look into that sea of blue and green is the expression he held when I found him laying with her.
This elevator alone holds so many memories. Memories that all turned out to be lies. Those lovely things he told me when he first asked me to be his. The way he pushed me up against this wall and kissed me. It was all fake.
After the longest and loneliest elevator ride ever, I get out and walk to Sawyer and I's door. I wipe the tears away from my face, trying with all my might to stop crying.
"Joey, wait!," I hear Shane panting behind me. Did he really just run up the stairs? Oh my god.
I walk faster and avoid eye contact.
He grabs on to my writs in attempt to stop me.
"Let go!," I yell, yanking my wrist away and out of his grasp. His touch stings my wrist. His voice tugs at my heart.
"Baby, listen to me," Shane begs in a calm voice. His voice would be so soothing if it weren't for the lies being spewed straight from it. I don't want to listen to his lies. You say things with your mouth. Cobwebs and flies come out. I hear a second voice behind your tongue somehow.
"Stop feeding me bullshit!," I demand.
Shane pulls me by my waist from behind, forcing my back to crash into his chest.
"Please, baby. You have it all wrong, I love you so much," he says, sounding a bit more desperate than the first.
"No, you don't. You don't love me, asshole." I push him back as hard as I can, which is not much considering how weak I am in this moment. The push takes me back to just a few weeks ago when my feelings for Shane initially showed. He clearly never felt the same, so why would he do this? Just to hurt me? To use me?
"Baby, look at me," Shane begs, spinning me around to face him. I catch a glimpse of the tears on his face before shoving him away once again. If I look him in the eye, I will forgive him. I try to run but he catches me by my hips. He tightly wraps his arms around me, gripping on to my body and burying his face in the crease of my neck.
"Baby, please listen to me."
What am I to him? A self esteem booster? A source of love and compliments? A sex toy?
"No, Shane. I'm done listening to you. You're full bullshit and I won't have it!," I argue.
"Joey, I love you. I love you more than-"
"No! Don't you dare say you love me because I know damn straight that's not true," I yell in his face before pushing him roughly and running to my door. If you love someone you should never hurt them.
"Joey!," Shane frantically calls after me. It hurts knowing that I'll never be enough because I'm not her.
I get inside and slam the door behind me, nearly hitting Shane. I lock the door behind me before breaking into tears. My body slides down the door, as my sobbing intensifies. I'm shaking. I could never forgive him for this. He played me. Shane bangs on the door, pleading me to let him in. But I won't. I refuse to let him break me again. He doesn't want me, he wants the love I pour out to him. The worst feeling is feeling unwanted by the person you want most. The truth made it all seem like a lie. All the words we exchanged; all the feelings and secrets we shared. It's not real to me anymore. I'm shivering and whimpering like a child. This reminds me much of the very first time I expressed my feelings to Shane.
"Baby, you don't understand. Please don't leave me."
"You were my reason for coming up for air when all I wanted to do was drown. I loved you so much. You could have dragged me to hell if it meant I could hold your hand. I would have done anything for you- anything!"
The hardest thing I have ever done is walk away from you while still madly in love with you, I almost say. But I don't. I can't let him know that after all of this he still owns my heart completely. You know you really love someone when you don't hate them for breaking your heart.
Am I the only one I know, waging my wars behind my face and above my throat? Shadows will scream that I'm alone.
I bury my face in my knees, trying desperately to stop crying. I knew this was coming. Sawyer warned me.
"I'm begging you, please," Shane's voice cracks, sending me into another crying fit. I wish I could believe him. I can't even come close to slightly trusting him anymore. Oh, how I wish I could be in his arms. All I want in the world is to feel his lips again, pressed up against mine. To taste his familiar breath, and be surrounded by that amazing scent I could only describe as 'Shane'. The touch of his skin that ignites me, oh how I long for it.
No.
No, I hate him.
I don't.
I love him.
He hurt me.
He doesn't love me.
I should despise him.
I'm deeply in love with him.
"Joey, I'm not leaving until you let me in," Shane yells, jiggling the door knob.
"Go away!," I yell. Where's my big brother Sawyer when I need him?
"Please baby," he begs once more, "don't leave me. You can't leave me. I'm nothing without you. I need you, please."
"Leave me alone. Leave me alone. Leave me alone!"
Don't leave me alone.
"You're my everything! Please, I can't live without you," he cries. His were the hands that held my broken bits and pieces together, now they are the hands that have crushed me to the tiniest microscopic units. My world has crashed and burned, it has crumbled under his grip. It's my fault; I gave him the power to destroy me and trusted him not to. I shouldn't have trusted him.
"Go away," I order.
"Open the god damn door!," Shane yells, banging once again. This door isn't the only thing he's banged.
"Joey, I didn't have sex with her!," Shane lies.
"I can't even fucking believe you would still lie to me after I just fucking saw you-," I don't finish. I can't finish. I can't bring myself to say those awful words.
"Joseph, I swear to god I didn't do anything with her. I would never be unfaithful to you. I'm.. I'm in love with you."
"Do you really expect me to believe that after I just saw you in bed with her?!," I argue.
Silence.
I knew it.
He can't even deny it this point.
He can't even bring himself to deny it.
"Just go away," I strain.
"No," he says stubbornly, "I'm not leaving."
"Just please tell me you still love me," he adds in a weak and pleading tone.
I still love you. I just don't love myself.
"I- I don't... I don't love.. I need you to leave."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying go away."
"What? No."
"Go away."
"Don't do this."
"I said go away."
"You're all I want! You're all I have!"
"I don't love you."

Question of the day: How's 2016?

Ahh, it's been like seven years since I've updated! I'm so sorry, I've just been caught up in... well, life! Please comment & vote! Thank you so much for 9.86k! <3