You Mean Something To Me

All My Fault

A/N
-listen to the song for the feels

Colleen's POV:
It has been three hours of me just crying off and on. Rachel has stayed with me. I saw a doctor walk towards me.
"Colleen Ballinger?" He asked. I stood up.
"That's me." I said sniffling. Rachel got up and stood behind me.
"How do you know Joshua?" He asked.
"He is my boyfriend." I said. He nodded.
"Anyone else here for him?" He asked. I shook my head no.
"Okay you can come but she has to stay." He doctor said pointing to Rachel.
"Okay that's fine." Rachel said. She hugged me and I walked off with the doctor.
"So Joshua saved your life? What a gentlemen." The doctor said. Just tell me what's wrong with him!!
"Yeah." I said. "Is he okay?" I asked.
"Listen. Joshua got a bullet very close to his heart. Very close. It messed up some of his heart. He is having trouble because his heart is beating very slowly, soon everything will die if the heart doesn't beat. We have him on life support right now because he can't breathe on his own. Today he is going to go into another surgery to see if we can get the bullet out and have his heart beating normally. He won't be up for a while though. I recommend you go home, get sleep, we will call you after the surgery." He said.
"Okay." Is all I could say.
"Can I see him?" I asked. He shook his head no. I was so frickin pissed.
"How long is he surgery? What time is he having surgery?" I asked.
"He is having surgery at 1pm today. It is a 6 hour surgery." He said. I nodded and thanked the doctor. I walked down and explained everything to Rachel. We got back to my apartment.
"You can leave Rachel." I said. She leaned against the door.
"Really?" She said.
"Yes I'm fine." I said mad.
"Don't do anything stupid." She said. That made me mad.
"Just leave!" I yelled. She sighed and walked out. I went over to my bed and sobbed. I heard my phone ringing. It was the hospital.
"Hello?" I asked, my voice shaking.
"Colleen Ballinger?" The doctor asked.
"This is she." I said.
"I have some bad news. We had to put Joshua on life support." He said.
"WHAT!?" I basically yelled into the phone.
"Yes I'm sorry to tell you this. We will have his surgery and see if that will help. 40% chance he will make it out of this alive." The doctor said. I couldn't say anything. I'm gonna lose him. And it's my fault. All my fault. All of it.
"I'll call you after his surgery." The doctor said. I was so mad and sad and I had all emotions. This was my fault. I wish he ended up with a better girl. He shouldn't be saving my life. I should be dead right now. I shouldn't have to be going through this. Joshua should be in surgery and about to lose his life. He is gonna lose his life because of me. He only has a 40% chance to make this out alive. I was made. I walked to my bathroom. I into my bathroom. I got my razor and cut my arms. My stomach. I cut all over. It's all my fault.