My First Journal

November: an overview

I didn't write much fro November but here's what happened.

-I had sex with Lucius. Lost my virginity. Totally demeaning. The sex was good but he was rude to me after, made me feel like shit. Told me to get dressed. I want to make it work so I told myself I'd give it another shot.

-Halloween the next day. Meet up with some friends. My friend Gina and I go to meet Tamara to go to a party. Tamara invites boy named Sam. We go to the lobby but they won't let us in. Sam is dressed as 50s greaser and bring his friend, Mark. Tamara and Gina go after Mark. Sam shows interest in me. Tamara flips out but Mark kisses her. Mark, Gina, Sam and I go to Mark's apartment. Sam and I makeup but Mark kicks us out because Gina's making him uncomfortable. Get home at 2 Am with Gina. Sam texts me and we plan to meet up.

-Tamara seems fine with Sam and I the next day. I go over to her house and she flips out. Tells me I can't hook up with Sam because she likes him. Start to resent her. On my day off Sam comes over and we hook up but he seems pretentious. Lie to Tamara about it. Text Sam about it.

-Tamara sees her name in my messages to Sam. We get off at Union Square. She demands to see my phone. I protest but give it to her. We start fighting and crying. Get Tamara to forgive me. Pretend to be sick the next day to avoid her.

-On Tamara's birthday I have a dream I need to apologize to Sam for blocking him n my phone. I do and he says he wants to see me again. I say maybe. Go to Tamara's birthday and see Lance and Malcolm. Lance and I bond like crazy and he invites me over to some weed. Tamara starts getting annoying and doesn't want me to. We all smoke in the rain including Malcolm. It's my weed and that asshole smokes it. Lance and I are now close friends.

- Start working for the Literary magazine. Julian comes back from suspension. He barley talks to me. I really want him.

- Tensions between Sarah and Hannah are on the rise. Sarah and Alex are really in love though.

- Tamara calls me and demands to know if I slept with Lucius. I freak out but deny it. Turns out Lucius got bored of me and hit her up and confessed. I don't know who to trust anymore, I want to throw up. Convince Tamara he's lying. I don't trust boys anymore. I block Lucius on everything. I'm never hooking up again.

- Doing great in school. Get a great report card.

- Decide Tamara's abusive. I take a quiz about it and she is. I want to leave her so bad but I'm stuck.

- Tamara's ex friend Peter tells me to make better choices.

- Listen to neo punk, it's excellent. I want to live my life.

- My sister comes over for Thanksgiving. I go through her Tinder and see they are all girls and I get confused. We go to Toys R Us. I confront her about in in the train after. She says she's bisexual. Gets me annoyed (am I homophobic) she also wants to marry her gay best friend and they might because he proposed. Prays she doesn't. Brush it off because I still love her.

- Run into my favorite author, Damien Echols of the West Memphis Three while shopping. I'm in awe and shake his hand and compliment his work. He is wonderful and love him. Still so excited about that.

- Learn about Vada Vada from my new favorite band. Vada Vada is a way of living in which exactly how you are in your habitat. I live my it now.

- Celebrate all my friend's birthdays. Half of us have lost our virginities. It's strange. I wish I could take it back.

I'll start writing regularly for December again. I didn't forget but I got overwhelmed. A lot has happened.