Trapdoor

Chapter 15

I hated doctors and how they poked and prod. I hated the smell of hospitals and their feeling of sadness. I hated the feeling of the starchy bedsheets and how they made me feel chalky.

But having Josh sit with me and hold me made it better. I loved the feeling of his arms hugging me. I loved his voice and the way it distracted me when the doctors talked to my parents about my condition. I loved his smile and how it made me happy.

They told me that doing that had made me weaker and could potentially make me sicker then I was. I felt guilty for making myself worse, I was being selfish and reckless. This was not what I had planned.

After messing around in my hospital room, I over heard my doctor drop a bomb on my mom."Tyler should see a therapist."

My mom nodded. "We should talk in the hall."

The doctor looked over at me, I quickly looked at Josh, leaving him just starting for a few seconds. "Yes, we should."

As soon as they left, I let out a sigh. I looked around the room as I tried to avoid Josh's eyes. He probably thought I was even more messed up. The thing is, I thought I was more messed up.

"Ty, you okay?" Josh asked, sitting next to me in my bed and pulling me close to him so my head rested on his chest.

I pondered the question for a moment. Was I okay, or was I just pushing my problems away and pretending? My head was full of crazy thoughts and I suddenly remembered how normal I had been before all this started. I didn't feel hopeless and sad all the time, I acually had a lot of fun and it was great.

So what was I?

"I don't know, am I?" I asked back, looking at him with question.
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Josh kissed me goodbye and left for school. I missed going to school, it was my last year and I was stuck her for awhile. Would I have to take some extra classes just to catch up so I could graduate with my class? I really hoped I didn't have to, I would get stressed out again.

My parents had come in after Josh left to talk to me about talking to someone about it, they think that dying is making me even more depressed. I guess their right though. I honestly don't feel the same as I did before, it wasn't this bad before I got sick.

I wasn't so sure about talking about it, I feel like dumping all this one someone and them telling my parents would make things worse. I didn't want to keep staying the hospital, it made me anxious thinking about it. Being stuck in the same room would get tiring really fast.

"Tyler, the doctors think it will be for the best." My father said, sitting on one side of my bed as my mother sat next to him.

"We just want to make this situation a bit more bearable." My mom grabbed my hand.

"For me, or for you?" I know I shouldn't have said it, it was wrong, but I wanted someone to acually listen to me for once.

Mom looked at me sadly. "Honey, don't be like that."

I took my hand band and rolled the other way on my bed. "I'm tired."

It sounded like my father was going to start to say something, but I felt my mother move her hand and it was quite again.

"Of course, dear." I heard her get up. "You get some rest and we'll be back in a bit with your siblings, Maddy wanted to see you today."

I heard the door open and close and I closed my eyes. Maddy wanted to come in and see me, I hadn't realized how much I missed her and my brothers since the last time I saw them. They were always to busy with school to come see me yet, a whole 2 weeks.

Was Maddy worried? What about Zach and Jay? What did they think of me now? I didn't want to think of all the possibilities, they would just make me more anxious.

I rolled onto my back and looked up at the ceiling. Why did I have to do this? I was just messing up everything and thinking that made my eyes burn with tears.

I was a burden and wasn't wanted. I should have just died a long time ago, given up and let everyone take a brake. Maybe I would stop treatment, then everyone could go back to their lives.

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A/N: okie this is just shit writing and I'm sorry, all I can think about is how I want to end this one and it just makes it harder to write the chapters leading up to that point

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