Trapdoor

Chapter 19

I hadn't sped away that fast in my entire 18 years of living, but I felt that I would suffocate if I stayed there another second. Everything was going too fast and I felt like I had to go as fast as it, just to keep my mind from going into dark corners. I wasn't even pay attention to where I was going, I just had to leave. Tress flew past me as I passed every car I could, getting angry honks from every person I passed.  My mind couldn't process anything, trying to absorb this feeling before every emotion hit me like a storm.

They told me what had happened and I couldn't take it in, it was too much. Things had started feeling like it was too much a long time ago, but that broke the whole dam, causing it to flood my being. Everyone tried to stop me at once and I just remember fighting them, and the tears, away. They shouted at me to come back inside.

I didn't want to be around them or hear them. They wanted me to calm down and talk to them, but my voice wouldn't work, leaving me to look like a kicked puppy. I hated it. Hated how they all pitied me, not for being sick this time, but for losing one thing that kept me grounded.

My mom tired to calm her shaky voice as she knocked on the window of my car. I wouldn't look at her as I started it, sitting there and letting the hot tears roll down my face freely. The door was locked and now my father and sister were by the car and asking me to come out. I stared out the window straight ahead of me as they all tried to talk, I couldn't take it, I snapped. I screamed, I yelled, holding my head in my hands as I cried my grief.

Maddy and my mom were crying, my dad was trying to open the door and trying to talk to me still, and my brothers stood on the sidewalk, telling my dad something. Screaming still, I put my car into drive and sped off, my dad chasing after me.

And now all these things pasted me so fast, my head was spinning. By now there wasn't any cars on the road and the sun was setting. Thick forests were planted on both sides of the road and I didn't know where I was. It should have felt peaceful, I could've went here with him, but it felt so empty and wrong.

The car stopped and I sat there for a minute, tapping the steering wheel with my fingers as I tried to think. But nothing came, my head was empty. It didn't make sense, I could hear everything and it was too loud. My chest felt so hollow and it hurt, it hurt so much, like someone stabbed me with a dull knife and twisted it over and over.

I gasped for air as I stumbled out of the car, falling into the dirt between the grass and pavement. Is this what dying felt like? I kept taking in big gulps of air, trying to stay alive. It had felt like all the air was being sucked out of me.

I scrambled to stand up, my breathing getting better, but the stabbing pains in my chest remained. The forest seemed warm and protective, I took carful steps towards it. The underbrush tickling my ankles.

It seemed like all the sound was instantly blocked out by the trees, the only sound being birds and the crunch of my feet in the forest floor. It was oddly peaceful, easing the pain for a moment.

I continued to walk for several more minutes, getting lost in the sounds of the birds and the swaying trees. My head was still screaming something, but I wasn't paying attention. I was too tired to. My whole body ached with tiredness and grief.

I wanted to lay down, my body was screaming with pain every time my foot hit the forest floor. My eyes drooped shut, only opening moments later, even more tired. It had been all to much all to fast.

I saw a path ahead, wondering towards it. The willow tree shading a bench and a bridge leading to the other side of the pond. It was perfect to me, it reminded me so much of the first date me and Josh really had.

Then I remembered my last words to him and the stabbing feeling in my chest got worse. He was okay, he told me that all the time.

I've never loved a boy more than I've loved Joshua Dun. He was there when I first got sick, being my awkward cancer friend. He stroked my back as I threw up, when I shaved my hair off, when I ran away and made myself sick. He was there when I was sad.

He was caring and supportive. He made me feel loved and less scared. He made me see the world in a different way and he gave me fireworks behind my eyes as I kissed him. He made life worth living and he made me happy.

He gave me the world wrapped in a bow. But the world was suddenly cruel.

I walked closer to the tree, my feet dragging with tiredness. I could start to feel my eyes droop and my heart slow. The tiredness taking over my body with every step and I couldn't even fight it away.

I slumped against the wispy tree, letting my eyes close. It was quite for a moment, time had stopped just for me. ThenI felt him, his arms around me and hugging me closer to him. I could smell his cologne and I could feel his curls touch my cheek as he kissed me lightly.

And suddenly I was home.