Trapdoor

Chapter 17

I looked out the hospital window as Josh held me. I had gotten out, only to be put back in. But this was for my depression, that voice that tore away every good thing I had. That voice that caused me to hate myself and made me believe I was better off dead.

Anti depressant and rest. I got weeks off of school again, so my mom decided to home school me. Take me away from the eyes, away from all the questions, away from all the hate. I needed to be away.

Josh had been there every step of the way. I wished do badly that his love would me me unstuck and unsad. But love doesn't fix depression, not his arms around me or the kisses and soft whispers. I had convinced myself that I hadn't deserved it, I most likely didn't in the long run. Why did he stick around, I don't know. I was broken and unfixable.

I couldn't help but thinking killing myself would be faster than this sickness. Although it was this sicknesses fault that I got worse, my head wasn't healthy and neither were my bones. I guess my body just hated itself that much that it attacked itself.

"Things would've been better if I didn't go into the hospital when I did when I got diagnosed." I said to Josh, not even looking away from the busy street below. "I wouldn't be going through this."

"Tyler, don't say that. You would've died." Josh sounded scared, his voice shaking slightly.

My eyes watered and god, I couldn't be crying, not now. "I wouldn't be suffering."

"And we wouldn't have met and I would've been lost in life." He loosened his grip on me, looking at the side of my face when I still wouldn't look at him.

"But you would have fallen in love with me and you could've gotten out of this easier." I insisted, that voice was loud then, not being able to shut it up. "You would live life before me, so you would've lived just fine."

"Tyler, stop." Josh pleased, his voice going stern.

"Do you see me?" I asked, watching the cars below more intently. "I'm bones, Josh. I am dying and I'm going to leave you here alone again and I can't do a thing about it."

"Tyler, look at me." He ordered sternly. "Look at me."

I tuned and looked at him at last. I was crying freely now and so was Josh. I couldn't feel anything, I was numb, I was so numb and I couldn't stand it. I wanted to feel something, I wanted to feel that love like I had before. I wanted to feel alive and unbroken. Why couldn't I just feel? Why the fuck couldn't I just love him like before?

"I don't wanna leave you alone." I sobbed. "I don't want to die like this. I don't wanna die like this."

He hugged onto me again, me sobbing into his neck. "Your not, we're going to get old together and have a house and kids. We are going to live so long, we'll die of old age and be happy."

"Josh, Josh I'm so numb." I couldn't see anymore because of the tears.

"We're going to pick up the pieces, things will get better and it'll be okay."

I wanted to believe him, I really did. But deep down I knew it was dumb to do so. I was going to die before him, weather it be now or two years from now, I was dying first.

"Just please try to make it."

We sat there crying in the hospital, life going on in the streets down below. Me, dead set on dying, and Josh, trying to tell me I wasn't. It just reminded me of a sunset, so bittersweet.
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I cried while writing this ?
Fuck sad stories, but I'm so good at them

Damn
But here