Movie Boy // Newtmas AU

Day Twenty

Newt's POV

I lie at home alone, I don't know how to feel at the moment. I want to scream with joy but at the sametime it feels like I have a weight on me, I want to cry. I don't think I can be with Thomas, I don't know why but it just feels wrong. It feels wrong when I think about kissing him, it feels wrong to be thinking of him like that. I sigh and climb out of bed, I shower and brush my teeth, then I get dressed and go to the sofa. Soon enough theres a knock at my door, the noise echoing throughout my apartment. I take a deep breath and walk slowly to the door, my hands shaking, I answer it and see Thomas, in a plain white t-shirt, black skinny jeans with an unbuttoned red plaid shirt over the top of his white tshirt. His brown hair all ruffled and he looks weary but as soon as his eyes look at me it's like his whole face lights up. He smiles out of pure happiness and lets out a breath, for some reason a smile isn't brought to my face. Instead I feel like slamming the door, I mentally slap myself, how rude am I!

Thomas' smile instantly fades,

"Newt, what's wrong?" He asks me softly, I let him in and he walks in and I shut the door behind me, I turn to him and lean against the door for support. I sigh,

"Tommy, I can't be with you." I whisper, he frowns, he steps forward and I go to step back but I just hit the door.

"Why?" He asks, the sadness not full on but just a hint in his voice, his angelic voice. I look down, my hair falling infront of my face then I look back at him,

"I don't know, it's just whenever I think of us, it just feels, wrong." I answer quietly, emphasizing on some words because it hurts. I feel like I'm a soul crusher, but I can't be in a relationship I'm not completely happy in. I need to be committed.

"So are you saying our relationship is wrong? That there's something wrong with me?" Thomas asks and I shake my head,

"No, I just, I don't think I ca-" I start but he cuts me off, which hurts,

"No, I don't want to hear it. Because I don't wanna be hurt more." He replies, kind of harshly, kind of sadly, I look up at him,

"You? Hurt more?!" I almost exclaim, I scoff in disbelief, he shrugs,

"What?!" He almost shouts, I flinch when he does, I won't deny it I'm scared.

"You weren't the one who was cheated on." I whisper, my throat filling with a lump,

"You didn't have to stop a slut from trying to f-ck you every night! Having a dad that hates you?! BEING CALLED A FAGGOT?!" He shouts, I flinch and feel like I'm tiny, a speck of dirt for him to stomp on, he sees what I do and stops, I feel the atmosphere loosen, he gently places his hand on my arm and I flinch to move away.

"Sorry." He whispers, his voice breaking, a tear rolls down my cheek, I sniff and wipe it away and look up at him with glossy eyes. The emotion like hurt, or sadness flashes in his eyes, hurt that I flinched? That I think he can hurt me, that he will?

"It's fine. I'm sorry." I mumble, he looks at me and softly places his hand on my cheek, the contact sending warmth through my face and body. I almost melt into his touch and I look down, a tear rolling down my cheek again, he wipes it away with is thumb,

"No, I'm sorry, I've been stressed and missing you and this is kind of hurting that you don't wanna be with me." He answers softly, I feel like a million daggers are attacking my chest right now, carving out my heart. It will hurt when I let go, when I can't be with him but I don't want to mess things up with not giving the same amount of want back. The same amount of need. I feel so small and mean, like I'm ruining everything,