Tronnor - For Him

5

He knows I'm gay. He knows I'm gay. He knows I'm gay. He knows I'm gay.

He wasn't surprised when I slipped it in. The only explanation I can think of is that I told him, sometime before the accident. But why didn't he talk to me about it? Is something going on?

The only thing I can do is straight up ask him. I call him on my phone, waiting as it rings once, twice, three times...he picks up.

"Hello?"

"Hey Con, it's me...look I kinda want to talk about something."

"Okay. What's on your mind?"

All of the sudden, with those words, something clicks. An image pops in my head, of Connor and I, in my apartment, talking.

"Okay. What's on your mind?"

"I-

"I can't do this."

"You know you can tell me anything, right? You don't have to be scared. I won't judge you."

"I-I'm gay."

"Tro? Are you still there?" His voice is soft, concerned.

"Connor! I-I remember! My Connie Frannie!"

My eyes start to water and soon tears are streaming down my cheeks, but I'm smiling. I only remembered a few moments of what I'd forgotten, but in those moments, I came out to someone for the very first time, and I could feel how much I loved him, how close Connor and I were. I finally know what it's like to feel like he's my best friend, my other half.

"Tro? Tro! Oh my god, I thought you'd never remember! I thought...I thought I'd lost you forever. I thought we'd never be the same again."

His voice cracks and my heart shatters. As much as I wish I did, I don't remember it all.

"Con, I don't...only one memory came back. It was the night of the accident."

He's silent. What is he thinking?

"You...you remember what happened that night? How we...how we..."

"I remember coming out to you! Con, when I woke up from my coma I had no idea that the barrier I had been struggling to jump for years had already been broken down. I...I can't believe I finally told someone. I know there's still a long way to go...but...I feel so free. I finally can be myself, at least around one person. I'll tell the others, one by one though...eventually. I don't think I can handle telling them just yet. But with you, I don't have to censor myself, I don't have to hold back, I don't have to keep it a secret anymore."

His voice is quiet, stunned. "Tro, there's something...I need to tell you. About that night...we....um..."

"What is it Con? Are you okay?"

He sighs, as if making a decision within himself. "Nothing. It's nothing. Nothing happened. I...I'm just so proud of my best friend."

"I love you, Con." My heart starts to shake as I realize what I said. What if he interprets this the wrong way? What if he thinks I mean more than friends?

"Love you too, Tro. I'm so, so glad I met you."

The line is silent for so long that I think he might have ended the call. Regardless, I finally gather the courage to whisper my response.

"Me too."

Even though I don't remember how we met.

+++

I'm remembering. Connor has been taking me to some places we've been together, and reliving the memories we made. Some of them come back in sickeningly sweet flashbacks, but other times, the frustration almost kills me.

"Why can't I just remember it all at once? Why can't I be myself again? Or at least know who I am! Or...or was. It's not fair!" My voice rises and I stand up from the picnic table, turning around and not planning on coming back to Connor's disappointed face. It's not fair. I want to remember. Why does it have to be so fucking hard?

The tears start flowing freely, and I wipe at my face with my hands angrily. I can't cry. Not here, with people watching.

"Troye..." his voice is quiet, yet, for the first time, it's cold.

Is he mad at me? Maybe I wasn't strong enough for him, maybe he's given up on me and he's tired of nursing my mind to no use.

I stop walking away, freezing but not turning around. Listening.

"Do you think this is easy for me? Do you think I'm happy right now? I cry myself to sleep every night, because more likely than not you'll never remember, I'll never get my best friend back. I thought I'd lost you that night. And the last words I said to you were angry. When you survived, I had so much hope. I had too much. I should have gotten myself prepared for what was coming.

"I waited for you, Troye. Every single day you were in that coma, every fucking day, I was in that chair beside you. Wondering if you'd ever wake up. If I'd be alone again. Then, finally you did, and you didn't even know my name! I was nothing to you. The nurse told me you had amnesia, whatever. But then you remembered. My hopes got up once again. They were so, so high. I thought finally I would have my friend back, finally everything would be back to how it's supposed to.  But no. You remembered, but not me. Do you know how much that hurt? How much it killed me to see you remember everyone else, everything else, but not me.

"I'm not like you, Troye. I don't have tons of friends to lose. You're pretty much my only one. You were everything to me. But now, when you don't remember anything about me while I know every detail about you, how much does everything mean? It's a whole load of shit, that's what it is. Our memories mean nothing to you.

"But you know what the worst part is? It's my fault. All of it. I was there that night, I was the last person to talk to you. It was my fault you were upset, my fault that you felt the need to get drunk and go get run over. It was my fucking fault.

"And now I feel guilty for even complaining because I wasn't the one to get run over. But you know what? I can't take it anymore. You'll never remember. Bits and pieces aren't enough. You're not my best friend, and...and I don't think he's ever coming back."

With that, he storms out of the park, before I can even say one word.