Tronnor - For Him

6

*slight trigger warning*

It's been three days since I've spoken to Connor, and the guilt is consuming me. How could I be so selfish? I thought only of myself, and all I did was complain about my memory loss. But I have other friends, although none of them mean as much as Connor. I have a best friend to care for me and sacrifice all his time to help me remember.

But Connor has neither of these things. He's been alone, hurting inside but putting on a smile for me. God, I was so selfish. I didn't even think of how he might be feeling, of how hard it must be to have your best friend have no idea who you are.

My mind has been spiraling down into the darkness, a place I haven't been in years. In a daze, I head to the bathroom, staring at myself in the mirror. I'm ugly, worthless. The only person who even likes me is who I've let down. Connor probably hates me now. As he should. I hate me too.

My body is too skinny, frail and childlike. My limbs are too long, skinny and awkward. My face is too thin, tired and dead looking yet still clinging on to that boyish baby fat. I look like a lost boy, who's given up all hope of being found.

I glare at the drawer, where I know the blade waits for me, calling my name. I deserve to feel pain, I crave the feeling that I can control something that's happening to me.

The scars are faded by now, a distant memory. But I still remember the thrill I got as I bled, the rush of excitement that comes with it.

No. I won't go back. That was the worst time in my life, before I even met Connor. I'm doing better now, I haven't relapsed and today will not be the day.

Stumbling out of there, I tear through my apartment, searching blindly for some type of release. Finally, my fingers close around a rubber band. Perfect.

The strip of rubber snaps against my wrist, again and again. With the pain comes that rush, that rush I dread but can't help but crave. Every time, I pull the band back further, desperate for more.

Eventually it snaps, and I sink to the floor, realizing I'm crying. The marks on my arm are angry, red and throbbing, but they're no where near permanent.

As my heart beat slows, so does the flow of tears. It's over. I managed not to relapse. I'm okay.

But Connor's not. Once again, I've thought only of myself. I need to talk to him. I need to tell him how I feel.

+++

After texting a few friends, my plan begins to fall into place. The party will be at Zoe and Alfie's house tonight. It'll be fairly small, with only a few of my closest friends. Zoe will make sure Connor is there.

Zoe, Alfie, Joe, Louise, Tyler, Connor, me, and several other YouTuber friends are all going to be there. If this doesn't work, I don't think anything will save our friendship.

+++

Everyone's here except Connor, and I'm getting impatient. The room is kind of crowded, and with the combination of dim light, loud music, and lots of  chatter I'm having trouble finding Zoe. At last, I notice her talking with Louise and I push past Tyler to ask about Connor.

"Zoe! Why isn't Connor here?" I yell, and her eyes flick around the room in confusion.

"He is!"

"No he's not!" I shout, struggling to be heard. "I haven't seen him anywhere!"

"He was here! I just saw him! Maybe he went outside!" Nodding, I push past my friends and finally slip out the door unnoticed.

A familiar boy is laying on his back in Zoe's garden, staring up at the stars. It almost reminds me of the night at my parents' house, when I got home from the hospital.

Silently, I join him. He frowns, but he doesn't move away. Yet.

"I didn't know you were going to be here."

I sighed. "That was kind of the point. I knew you wouldn't even get in the same room as me otherwise."

He gives a little "hmph" noise. He's so pretty, even when he's mad.

"Look, I just wanted to say I'm so, so, sorry. I was a selfish dick and I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you, how lonely you must feel."

"Yeah."

"Yeah...yeah as in what?"

"Yeah as in yeah, you were a selfish dick."

I guess I deserved that.

"You were right, you know. I'm not your best friend. I'm not the Troye that you know and trust. And I wish I was, oh, I wish that more than anything in the world. But at the same time, I'm still me. I'm still the Troye who became your best friend. I'm still the Troye that you learned to trust. Even if I never remember completely, I still want to be your best friends. That is...if you're willing to start over."

He's silent for a moment, and I wonder if he's still angry. Maybe he doesn't want to forgive me, maybe he'd rather have a new best friend...

A warm hand hesitantly reaches over and entwines itself with mine. Our hands fit together perfectly, as if we were made for each other.

Staring up at the stars, holding hands with the boy I love, and it seems like nothing could ruin this moment.

A shooting star streams across the sky, and he squeezes my hand.

I wish he loved me like I love him, I wish he was mine to hold, and kiss...

"What did you wish for?" His voice is quiet, innocent.

"Connie, if I told you it wouldn't come true." A smile tugs at the corners of my lips.

He turns his head to meet my eyes, the cutest smirk on his face. "Oh, come on Tro, I'll tell you mine. It'll be...our little secret."

I lean a bit closer, smelling his scent. Pine with a touch of mint. Our eyes fixed on each other, I whisper, "I wished that the boy I liked liked me too."

He lets out a little happy sigh, and we close our eyes. Our noses are almost touching, and his breath smells faintly like coffee. "I think...I think your chances are pretty good."

With that, he closes the gap between us, our lips connecting and sparks setting my heart on fire. It's soft, gentle. Connor is nothing if not romantic.

Soon one of my hands is cupping his cheek, and the other is tangled in his silky hair. His hands are wrapped around me, tugging me by my waist even closer.

Our lips move in sync, and through my closed eyelids the tears begin to fall. I'm crying, but this time they're tears of joy, of love. Connor doesn't care, in fact, soon he's crying too, but we're still kissing, and it's so, so sweet.

At last our lips part for air, but he's still hugging me to him, and neither of us are planning on letting go any time soon.

Breathless, I stare into his thoughtful emerald eyes, and whisper the words I've been holding back for so, so long.

"I think I'm in love with you."