Tronnor - For Him

19

(A/N: WARNING- you should prob get tissues and Nutella ready lol)

I am tired of this place, I hope people change, I scribble in my song notebook, where I write all the lyrics I come up with. When the love of my life leaves without even saying goodbye, what else would I do? I need time to replace, what I gave away. I pause, wondering what should come next.

And my hopes, they are high, I must keep them small
Though I try to resist, I still want it all

I see swimming pools and living rooms and aeroplanes
I see a little house on a hill and children's names
I see quiet nights poured over ice and Tanqueray
But everything is shattering and it's my mistake
Only fools fall for you, only fools
Only fools do what I do, only fools fall

The last song I wrote about Connor...he never even heard it. Emma still has it, she's looking it over. How could everything have been destroyed so quickly?

Frustration begins to overwhelm me as I can't think of any more lyrics, and I toss my notebook on the floor in disgust with myself.

My boyfriend...ex boyfriend...is miserable and yet all I'm doing is sitting here writing songs. I need to find him, but I don't know where he is. I need to fix this, but I don't know how.

I never wanted to be the bad guy, but I guess it is my only choice.

Quickly, I set up my camera and begin to film.

"Hey what's up you guys, it's Troye Sivan, and this video is really important so it's going to be quite long, but please stick around until the end.

"Recently I came out to you guys, and most of you took it really well, which I'm so thankful for. I really do love you guys so much. But there's another part of my life that I've kind of been keeping a secret.

"I assume that by now, you all know my best friend, Connor Franta. Well...we kinda...fell in love. That time some fans saw us at a sushi restaurant? Although I denied it....yes, that was our first date.

"I'm in love with him. Everything about him. And a lot of rumors are going around about him, and I'd like to clear everything up.

"Our friends Alfie and Zoe recently got married, and I'm so happy for them. But in Alfie's vlog about the wedding, there was a short clip where you could see Connor, hitting Caspar Lee.

"With no explanation, of course you guys jumped to the worst possible conclusion. But it's my fault they were fighting. Not Connor's.

I can't tell the truth. I know that now. Of course Connor isn't to blame, but the fans won't be able to see that. And I can't blame it all on Caspar either, since he apologized. So I need to make it look like it was my fault.

"I kissed Caspar. I cheated on Connor, so of course he was angry. But it was neither Caspar nor Connor's fault. It was mine. And if any of you are going to be angry, be angry at me. If you're looking for someone to blame...blame me."

I take a deep breath, turning off the camera. Soon enough, with barely any editing, the video is uploaded.

I can't bare to look at the comments. To watch as my subscriber count dwindles. As people who've never met me, yet trusted me...begin to hate me.

I slam closed my laptop and stand up abruptly as for the first time, I notice Connor's phone, on the floor. He left without his phone? Where could he possibly have gone?

My heart begins to beat faster as various scenarios race through my mind.

The letter...it was saying goodbye. It was saying that he didn't deserve to be happy.

What if he tries to kill himself?

My face pales and I throw on Connor's hoodie and some shoes before running out the door.

I have no idea where I'm going.

W-what if he's already d-

My eyes begin to water and I blink away the tears quickly, refusing to think of his eyes turning to glass...his fingertips cold...

Shaking away the dread, I start running around the block. Just looking for any sign of him.

While running, I whip out my phone and desperately call anyone and everyone I know, crying while asking if he's there.

Everyone says no, everyone asks the same questions. But I don't have any time to explain.

I look everywhere nearby I've been with him that I remember. He can't have gone far, the car was still at home.

After a few tries and various lakes and parks, I arrive at my old apartment. I don't know why he would be here, it's empty and dark.

As I fumble to put the key in the hole, at last the door opens.

"Connor? Hello? My love, are you here?"

There's a sound coming from the bathroom. A shuffling, a faint sobbing.

He's here.

I run to the bathroom to find him on the floor, staring at a bottle of pills in his hand.

I start sobbing in relief. He's alive. I'm not too late.

I fall down to the floor next to him, and he shakes his head. In the smallest, most broken voice, he begins to speak, his tone cold, almost angry.

"I never was strong enough. I never could gather the courage."

I try to reach out and touch him, but he pulls away shivering.

"Connor, baby, I love you. And you are the bravest man I've ever met. You know why? Because you're still alive."

He looks up at me through his tears. "I wasn't going to really do it, I swear. At least...I don't think I wasn't."

Hesitantly, I try to touch him again. This time, although reluctant, he lets me. I pull him into a tight hug, thankful that I'm getting another chance to smell his scent, to hug him.

"I love you, I love you, I love you," I whisper, repeating it again and again. After all he's done for me, I can't let him down.

"A-are you sure? Because everyone else seems to hate me."

I cup his face in my hands gently, and firmly press my lips against his in a desperate, loving kiss, salty from our tears.

I pull away, staring into his eyes. "Don't worry. I fixed it."