Tronnor - For Him

18

"Look, I'm sorry Connor got caught on camera. That wasn't supposed to happen."

I glare at him. "It's too late to say sorry. You didn't have to fucking harass me."

Running a hand through his hair, for the first time I see a different side of Caspar, without confidence and full of regret.

"I'm...I'm sorry about that too. Look, I have changed. And I do realize that what I did was wrong. B-but yesterday...fuck, I don't know, I was desperate. I saw you sitting there and I just wanted to feel something. S-so I tried to use you again."

"Like all of those times before."

"Troye, I'm sorry about that! If you care to know what was going on...why I was so angry..."

My eyes widen. I'd never stopped to wonder why Caspar was always mad.

"Um...well...the reason I started dating you in the first place is because of Joe. I'd liked him for years, ever since I realized I was...I am...bisexual. But he's straight, and I was just so sick and tired of being alone, so I took you in since you were, like, an easy target. I know I'm a dick, you don't need to tell me."

My mind is whirling. Caspar was hurting me physically...because his heart was hurting with the scar of not being loved.

"I started hurting you like a fucking idiot, because I thought sex and being in control would help me get over Joe. But it didn't."

"Caspar..."

"Honestly, I've never regretted anything more in my life than what I did to you."

A tear slips down my cheek and Caspar pulls me into a hug. I bury my face in his shoulder, crying.

"Could...could you ever forgive me?" Caspar mumbles.

I pull away, looking up into his eyes. "Caspar...I'm sorry. I can't. I'll never be able to forget what you did to me."

His face falls, turning into stone. "I know I was a kinky, evil little slut but I thought we could at least be friends."

I shake my head slowly, my heart breaking. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Could you...could you tell the fans what happened? Between us, between Connor. If you don't...his entire career will be ruined. His life."

Caspar glares at me, tears in his eyes. "You want me to tell everyone something that will make them hate me, just so they don't hate your boyfriend?"

Oh. I hadn't thought of it like that.

"Well, I'm sorry Troye, but the answer is no. Connor has you, he'll be okay. If I tell people...I'll have no one."

"What? No, you have to! After all you did to me, don't you think I deserve this one favor? You aren't the only one at fault here. You, Connor, and I could get through this together!"

"I'm sorry I'm a selfish dick. Have a nice life, Troye." With that, he slams the door in my face.

+++

People can change, yes, but their past self is still there somewhere inside them, waiting to come out.

How am I going to tell Connor that I've failed? I don't deserve him. I should have reconciled with Caspar long ago, and this wouldn't have happened.

I get home and in confusion realize that Connor is nowhere to be found. On his dresser, I notice a carefully folded letter with Troye scribbled across it.

I open it and begin to read.

Dear Troye,
I am in love with you. I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life. Ever since we first kissed, I can't get enough of you.

I would do anything to be able to spend the rest of my life with you. Unfortunately, fate doesn't approve.

I've never told you this, and I doubt it will make much difference, but it might have been bothering you.

Troye, I liked you before the accident. I liked you from the moment we met, and my feelings have grown stronger ever since. But you probably could tell. I never could keep my eyes off you.

I don't know when you began to return my feelings. For the most part, I felt like you were oblivious, like I was doomed to never pass that dreaded friend zone.

But you never did remember what really happened the night of the accident, did you?

Why you were so emotional that you felt the need to get wasted?

Well, it was my fault. After you came out, I kissed you. That was our first kiss. I don't know why I never told you, but it was my fault you got run over, my fault you were in a coma for a month, my fault you almost died.

I stare at the paper in shock. Connor and I kissed that night. That was his big secret, although I don't get why he didn't want to tell me. I can't believe I had feelings for him before the accident. And...he had feelings for me.

I thought I was a different Troye. I thought nothing would ever be the same, that I would never really feel like my memories were mine, and not just someone else's, planted in my head.

But it turns out, nothing ever really changed.

I didn't tell you because I still felt guilty. It was dumb, I know, but I always felt like you could do better, and that if I told you you would just realize that I'm not good for you.

The less time that I spend with you, the less you will need to heal. So I've left. Because this time, I really am holding you back.

The fans hate me, and it's growing worse by the minute. I doubt Caspar will let you ruin his career instead of mine, and why should he? I guess I deserve this. I always knew YouTube was too good to be true.

If I continue to date you, or even be friends, they will grow to hate you as well. So, because I love you, I'm letting you go. You have such great potential, and I love you too fucking much to be the one holding you back.

Goodbye, Troye. xxxx