Tronnor - For Him

8

My life is over. I wasn't fucking ready but I had to go and ruin everything! I don't want everyone to know. I don't want to explain everything. I wanted to wait until I felt more comfortable, until I was absolutely sure I could handle their responses. But now everything is fucking ruined and it's all my fault. And of course I went and dragged Connor into this. They're probably interrogating him right now.

I slam my head against the bathroom wall again and again and again. I'm. So. Fucking. Dumb.

They all know. They all know I'm gay, that I've been straight out lying to them all these years. Of course none of my friends are homophobic, so at least I don't have to worry about that, but I've lied and I've made excuses and they'll feel betrayed. They'll be mad I didn't tell them, that I didn't trust them enough. They'll be disappointed, sad, angry...oh, what have I done?

It doesn't help that I kissed Tyler recently, or that they all know about my feelings for Connor. Tyler will overthink the kiss...he'll have to worry about the Troyler shippers...everyone will overthink every little thing I ever did and I ever do and wonder if it has to do with my sexuality. All of the boys I'm friends with will worry about me coming onto them, or liking them, or flirting with them...I'll have to hold back my personality for the second time.

It'll be awkward. Oh, it'll be so, so awkward. I haven't told my viewers, so they'll have to keep it all a secret for me...shit, what if they don't want to? What if they can't? With that many people, the news is bound to get out. I'll be outed again, but this time in front of the entire world! Millions of fangirls, angry that that 0.0000000000000001% chance they had with me is now destroyed...

What have I done? I didn't have to get drunk. I didn't have to kiss Connor. I could have kissed Zoe quickly and be done with it. Hell, I could have kissed Connor anyway, but if I hadn't let it get so long, so intense...if I hadn't let my feelings take control of me...

If only I had been more careful, just for a few more months. I'd probably be ready by then, I'd probably be able to tell them one by one and talk to everyone about how nothing should change. But now...shit, what is Connor telling them?

He'll tell them about the kiss we shared in the yard. About what I said to him before we came inside.

He'll tell them about when I came out to him. What if they're jealous that I trusted him more? What if they're angry at him for not telling them?

I try to slow my breathing but it gets louder and louder. I clench my fists, my nails digging into my palm deep enough to draw blood. Not now. I can't have a panic attack now...

I need to breathe. I need to calm down, think positive, get out there and explain myself.

My chest heaves up and down, my heart pounding faster than ever and my face soaking with sweat and tears.

It'll be okay. They're my friends, they'll accept me, nothing will change. Some of them are gay.

It'll be okay. It'll be okay. It'll be okay. Right?

The sinking feeling in my stomach begins to disappear, and my mouth curves into almost a smile underneath all the tears. Regardless of the fact I was no where near ready, the weight is off my shoulders. There's no going back. Whatever happens now, happens, and...and I think it'll be okay.

Taking a deep, shaky breath, I stumble out of the bathroom and back into the living room. I'd expected to see everyone staring, waiting for me. But they've continued the game as if nothing happened. As I walk back to my place on the floor, a few heads turn, but they all give me reassuring smiles. As I pass Connor, he gives me a wink, and I blush, keeping my head down. Now is not the time.

When I sit back down, Louise, who is sitting next to me, gives me a quick side hug and whispers in my ear, "It's okay, none of us really care. It doesn't have to be a big deal."

I smile. How did I get such good friends?

Despite the fact that no one's talking about it, I can't help but be embarrassed for the rest of the game, my head low. Finally, the torture is over, and people start conversations, standing up and eventually starting to leave.

Connor walks straight over to me, grabbing my hand and squeezing it reassuringly. "I'm really sorry you were outed, Tro."

I give him a hug, but pull away quickly. I don't want people thinking we're a couple. He probably only kissed me because he was drunk. It was probably a one-time thing. Right?

Ignoring his concerned gaze, I turn away and try to get outside, but suddenly Tyler's hand is on my shoulder and he's talking.

"Tilly...Please don't be mad...I...I just wasn't ready. I'm really sorry...I know I've ruined everything and it'll all be awkward and you probably hate me but please just..."

"Troye, I don't care if you're gay, if I did I would be the Queen of Hypocrites, but...why didn't you tell me? I wouldn't have gotten us into all this Troyler shit...I'm just kind of sad."

My heart sinks. This is just what I was dreading. He's still talking, his usually hyper tone cold and full of disappointment. I realize I'm digging my nails into my palm again, and the room is spinning and suddenly I'm crying and people are calling my name and my breathing is shaky and my head hurts so much and before I know what's happening, the darkness claims me once more.