Tronnor - For Him

14

"Hey what's up you guys, it's Troye Sivan, and...this is probably the most nervous I've ever been in my entire life. But, I am going to deal with it! Because I have something to tell you guys, as you can probably see by the title of this video."

Am I really doing this? Is this really happening? I'm filming on my laptop, it's 2 AM and I'm sitting on my boyfriend's couch. The lighting is horrible and so is the quality, but I don't even care. I woke up half an hour ago, and I knew that I had to do it. I couldn't wait any longer.

I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a while and running a hand through my messy curls. Connor doesn't even know. He's asleep in his bedroom. Maybe I should have told him, maybe I'm not ready after all...No. I want my fans to know, and I can't wait long enough to tell everyone I love. This is about me, whether I'm dating Connor or not. And I have been getting ready for this day my entire life.

I can do this. Connor did it, after all.

"Today, on August 7th, I want you guys to know that I'm gay. I'm terrified, I know that some people are going to have a problem with this, I know that, um, this could kind of change everything for me. I'm still going to make the same videos, I'm still the same Troye, this is just some new information about Troye..."

As I continue to explain this portion of my life that I've kept a secret, I start to cry. But I keep going, until finally I do my signature wink for my outro and turn off the camera.

That's when I full out burst into tears. I stare at the video on my laptop. I filmed it right on the webcam from YouTube, which means that in just a few clicks...I could be free. My secret could be gone.

My heart stops, and I hold my breath. Without bothering to edit or even make a thumbnail, I lift up my hand.

I stare at it. It's shaking like crazy. When did that happen?

This is what I need to do. For myself, so that this secret that I've kept for so fucking long doesn't have to hold me back in any way whatsoever.

But not just for me. For my viewers. Maybe someone out there, who is conflicted about their sexuality and is too terrified to come out just like I was will find my video, and maybe...maybe I can inspire someone. Maybe the advice and raw truth in this video will give someone that last bit of confidence that they've been searching for.

In my head, I picture a teenage boy, just like I was, alone in his room crying, watching Coming Out videos late at night. Gaining that little bit of hope from my video, and finally, smiling through the tears coming to terms with who they are.

That's all I've ever wanted with YouTube. To give someone the confidence to smile, to be whoever they want to be. To make them happy, even if it's only for a few minutes during my video.

Somehow the shaking in my hand has stopped. I rest my fingers on the keyboard. Everything is ready. One click, and the most important video I've ever made will be out there for the world to see.

A lone tear falls down my cheek as I let out the breath that I'd been holding. And click.

I watch as the video uploads, frozen. 20%....60%...70%....99%...

100%.

It's out there. The truth.

Numb, I watch as the comments roll in.

'So proud! Love you Troye.'

'Thank you for sharing this with us. We love you! xxx'

As the first negative comments appear, the hint of a smile on my face disappears completely.

'It's dumb that YouTubers make coming out such a big deal. Reality check: no one cares. Troye's getting money for this! He's getting paid to make a video all about him and his perfect life. You think you have problems? Take a look at the rest of us. No one needs to see some self-obsessed child overreact about something as dumb as his sexuality.'

'Always knew he was a faggot'

'Ugh why are all the hot ones gay! Whatever, let's just pretend he's straight. Maybe he'll get over it. It's just a phase, after all.'

'TROYE I THOUGHT U WERE BETTER THAN THIS. U DENIED IT ON TWITTER, & WE TRUSTED U, & YET U WERE LYING AFTER ALL. LIAR, I'LL NEVER WACH UR VIDS AGAIN!!!!'

'idiot did u rlly have to announce it? we all knew. #Troyler'

'Still disgusts me that people actually are okay with this. You're going to hell, all of you! Bunch of faggots. Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.'

My hands clench into fists, but I think I've run out of tears. I stare at the angry, disappointed, and disgusted comments appearing on the screen, emotionless.

A pair of strong, warm arms wrap around my waist from behind, and Connor nestles his head in my shoulder, pulling me into a hug.

"Troye boy, why are you up?" He says groggily, his eyes still half closed.

I can't seem to answer, my mind racing so fast that my mouth can't keep up to form words.

Rubbing his eyes, Connor looks over my shoulder and squints at the laptop screen. As the words sink in, he turns to look at me in astonishment.

"Tro, baby, you could have woken me up. Making this video, let alone posting it is not something I wanted you to have to go through alone."

I'm shaking again. And oh, I'm so cold. I lift up a trembling finger, pointing at the screen as I try to form words. "I-I knew they would be disappointed in me."

Frowning, Connor firmly shuts the laptop and takes it from my grasp, reaching over to place it on the coffee table before adjusting so he can hug me properly.

"It's okay Troye...shh, it's okay. I love you, it's okay."

He pulls back slightly to look into my eyes. God, I'll never get used to how he looks at me. I could live a million lives and I'd never deserve him.

"Those comments can't hurt you, you know?" He whispers. "They are letters on a screen, people who have no idea who you are in real life. Now, you listen to me TroyeSivan18, you are loved. You are gorgeous, amazing, thoughtful and funny and I'm so fucking lucky to have met you, and your sexuality doesn't change any of that. You have millions of people who look forward to your videos and genuinely care about you as a person, and if a few of them refuse to accept who you are, it's their loss."

He squeezes my hand reassuringly, and leans over to gently kiss my forehead.

"I'm so fucking proud of you."