Innocent ✔️

Thirty seven

Hours and hours passed and I was alone in my bed. I wanted to be alone but at the same I didn't want to be left behind. I know I was confusing and probably hard like he said but I don't know what to do. It is always hard for me to react to my problems. I was used to live my sadness alone with no one caring and no one asking about it which made it hard for me to put it into words when I finally got someone asking about it.

It's not that I don't want him to, I do but it was hard for me to explain it and even if I tried, I am sure it won't come out like my brain want it to and again, I felt the difficulty of putting what I'm thinking into words. I've always have the difficulty to put my thoughts into words and I don't know if I will ever be able to do so.

I loved Jackson but sometimes I ask myself is it the right thing to do? I went through so many harder things than fall in love and survived. Would I give it all up and risk my life because of someone I loved? Is love going to be the last step of my life? I was always fighting to get out of my problems but now my problem is to undo my love for him. Is it possible? Even if it is, I knew I was too weak to find myself out of it.

I looked down at the second picture of him I draw. He was beautiful. He was everything I've ever wanted and when it is between my hands now, I say I don't want it. But it was too late, I got attached already.

I pushed my diary on the floor making it shut and laid back in bed under the covers. I turned around facing his empty spot, where he was sleeping tonight. I scoot closer and put my head on the pillow where his head was. His scent was still there. I closed my eyes taking it all in, imagining him laying next to me and slowly brought my eyes to close and fell asleep to the colour of his eyes.

Jackson's point of view

I sighed and knocked again and again I got no answer. I turned the knob and pushed the door open.

"Ana?" I softly called making sure she wasn't sleeping but she was. I walked closer and sat on the bed next to her. I caressed her hair out of her face and watched her sleeping. She looked like an angel.

How the fuck did I fell for you.

She changed me so much. For the better. I stopped going out. I stopped drinking and smoking. I stopped messing around with girls. I stopped doing everything for her. I was happy just having her. I placed a kiss on her cheek and whispered "I'm sorry."

I was sorry for so many things including making her life in danger because I'm selfish to not let her go. It's been so long that I didn't feel loved and didn't love to the point that I forgot how amazing it feels like.

I scoot closer to her to sleep next to her but my feet pushed something on the floor under the bed. I looked what it was and it was a notebook. I grabbed it and opened the first page and it says "diary".

It's her diary. The hesitation of starting to read was killing me but I wanted to see what she wrote. The only thing I was thinking was; was she writing about me? If yes what did she say?

I opened a random page and start reading.

Mom,

I don't know if what I was doing was right or wrong but I can't stop it. You always used to tell me to think before making any decision but what if I have no choice? What if I'm already falling for his trap?

What she talking about me? If yes then what did she mean with trap? A smile crapped on my face when my eyes laid on the next sentence.

I fell for him mom. I know it's wrong. It's not the right think to do but I've never felt that good before. Mom, I've wished for so many things to happen but nothing happen. I never wished for someone to love me, not knowing how good it could feel but now I do because I'm experiencing it. I love him, mom.

I love you too Ana. I'm just scared this goes wrong. I will regret meeting you and you'll regret loving me. The last thing I want is for you to hate me and if what I'm thinking about happened then I can guarantee you that you'll hate me. And I'd hate myself for driving such an angel like you to hate.

I shook my head and kept reading, wanting to know what she hides from me.

But his dad, his dad is always my fear. He reminds me of the one who killed you, mom. Imagine if the guy who killed you resemble to the guy who's going to kill me. Should I risk it? You gave your life away to keep us safe, because you love us. Is love just for moms or is it the same between me and Jackson too? Does he loves me the way you loved me? Will he risks his life for me or will I risk my life for him? And at the end who will die for the other? I'm scared. But I don't have the guts to leave him for such a risk. I feel like I own everything in the world when I lay in his arms, will I give that up because his dad won't like me?

I read this paragraph over and over again. Will this really happen? Is she really feeling that way? So scared and so stressed whenever she's with me. But she also said she felt safe with me.

I don't want to leave him, mom. I remember you told me before that I have to hope for the best and be positive and don't assume things unless I'm sure of it. I'm not sure one of us has to die, mom then why should I leave him? I don't want to leave him! I love him. But what if the consequences are to take his life away in front of me just like they did to you? I won't be able to live it all again mom. I won't be able to loose the most two important people in my life because they love me. Because of me. Because they want to protect me. I won't be able to live with myself anymore. I won't be worth living without the people that I love the most.

I smiled at this sentence. Was I such a fool to think about leaving her? I was ready to do everything and keep her safe even if it takes me to die for her. Yes it will hurt her but she'll move on. It's the same for me if she was the one to get killed too. Cassy and Ana will be too much to take. Just the two people that I opened up to and loved got killed because of me. As much as it sounds stupid as much as we are both the same. Romeo and Juliet's modern story was being written on papers and only god knows what's the end will be. I just don't want it to end like Romeo and Juliet ended.

I will wait and see what happens and hope for the best like you told me. I love him and I'll keep fighting for him until the last breath.

I closed my eyes and sighed. I arched the paper and pushed it in my pocket before putting the notebook on the floor like it was and laid next to her, bringing her body close to me.

I won't give up on you too soon either baby.