Innocent ✔️

Thirty nine

And here we go again with not falling asleep. I was wide awake all night, laying in bed in the darkness not knowing what else to do other than wish for him to come back.

To fill the time, I start making up conversations that could happen between us if he came back and asked about hoping one of them to happen. Any of those I made in my head, but none happened.

I was so focused on making scenarios of what could happen that I forgot to focus on what is happening right now. He left feeling like I'm forced to be with him. I'm forced to love him!

But again it can't be only my fault. It can't always be my fault for all the things that go wrong in my life. I always blame myself but come on! I didn't do anything. I didn't even mean what he understood and didn't give me the time to correct myself and explain what I meant.

I'm all about what is going to happen now. Is he going to just ignore me and expect me to ignore him? For how long? I was right when I said I was locked here. I have no right in going out and he knows that. Without him, I wouldn't be able to work at all.

Locked or not, the only thing that mattered to me now was his first reaction when he sees me. I was almost sure to see worse than I could ever expect but I refused to believe it until I see it with my own eyes.

I forced myself out the bed when I heard mutters from downstairs. I knew it was Jackson and Miss Robertson which made me want to go downstairs again. It's not like I will change anything between us because I won't defend myself from saying the things I said even if I didn't mean them.

I pushed my hair back and walked downstairs with my pyjama on, probably looking like a homeless person with the bags I had under my eyes from staying awake all night but again I was homeless.

He looked behind at me then looked away. It was like we both were challenging who will show that he is mad more than the other.

I walked to where he was sitting on the kitchen bar, confidently, and sat on the chair right next to him. Smiling at Miss Robertson and wishing her a good morning, I asked her to do me my coffee. She gave me a question look but I ignored it and gave her a smile which she understood and kept quite.

I could feel him burning my side which made me think if I should turn around and meet his eyes or just stay like that. I didn't know if him looking at me means that he isn't mad anymore or not. Was he even mad, was a question that hit me. If he is then why was he looking at me? And if he isn't then why isn't he talking to me.

I tried to push the subject to the back of my head and keep my stare at Miss Robertson that was humming to an unfamiliar song to me and put a cup in the coffee machine waiting for it to get filled.

I huffed and got up walking to the bathroom and again, I could feel his eyes following me with his body glued to the chair he was sitting on. A part of me wished he would follow me and talk to me like nothing happen but another part wished for him to stay away because I was right when I said I was forced to love him, yes I love him but yes I was forced so I wouldn't admit that I was wrong which I knew once he would start talking to me, he will expect me to say sorry which I won't do.

I closed the bathroom door behind me and washed my face and brushed my teeth then went back outside to Miss Robertson muttering something to Jackson probably not wanting me to hear because when she saw me coming they stopped talking and she turned the other side to continue what she was doing. As much as I was curious to know what they said about me, what he said about me, I wouldn't ask so I pushed it away and sat back in front of the hot coffee cup that probably Miss Robertson placed it there when I was gone.

I cleared my throat, feeling his eyes fly to me as if he expect me to say something but I only bought the cup to my lips. With the corner of my eyes, I could see sadness in his eyes of me not saying anything when he expect me to. I had nothing to say anyways what does he think I would say? And if he wants me to talk that much, why wouldn't he start by breaking the ice then?

Jackson was a really good guy but I hated that he felt like I was always wrong. I felt like he feels higher than me which was the only thing that stood between our relationship, I guess you can call it. He never even told anyone he loved me, not that I expected him but not even Miss Robertson, at least I don't think so.

Jackson's point of view

I tried so hard to grab her attention but it didn't work at all. She doesn't even seem to be caring. She probably doesn't even give a flying fuck about me anymore.

Yes I felt hurt because she said she was forced to love me which only bought my only weakness back to life. Like I told her before, I always feel like people around me love me and respect me because I'm Jackson Mickelson, the son of Mister Mickelson, one of the most rich families of the country. They don't love Jackson but I bet she forgot or probably said that on purpose to hold me from my hurt arm.

I love her, fuck that I do but I wasn't used to have a girlfriend always with me, sleep with her, treat her right all day and make her happy every second I spend with her and when I have her in my arms when I wake up, I don't move to not wake her up or watch her angelic face sleeping peacefully. When I was with Cassy, I was begging everyone to let me go see her and they would all refuse until I found a way out of my room every now and then and go wait for her where we always meet even if I wasn't sure she would come. She waited for me days and days and I wouldn't go and the other way around.

I know she wasn't used to this either but she seems to know better about it and I didn't even know how.

When she got up and for a second I thought she was going to walk closer and hug me and kiss me and tell me I'm sorry but she only walked away bringing my eyes with her wondering if I should follow her or not. My mind was turning crazy wondering where she was going and the second I decided to follow her, Miss Robertson stopped me by softly calling my name.

"What's wrong? What did you do to her?" She asked. Anastasia seemed to be really important to Miss Robertson to cause her to talk to me that way with that tone of voice on Ana's side, ready to defend her from whatever I was going to say. Not surprising, Ana was one to be loved.

"Nothing she just—"

"Listen Jackson," she interrupted me, leaning her elbow on the other side of the kitchen bar of where I was sitting. "Anastasia is a really nice girl and she is good for you. Yes, you are close to me more than her and I don't know her for long time but even though I consider myself your second mother because that's what your mother asked me to be just with the last breathe she took, I will still defend Anastasia with all my heart. She is good for you Jackson and you need her. She is ready to give up on her life to stay with you and if you are to hurt her, I will be the one to free her from here. If you hurt her..." She stopped her words and I heard Ana walking closer, saving me from the lecture I was getting.

I knew she wasn't joking. Every word she said rang in my brain like a church bell that broke my ears with every letter pronounced. I hated it having to hear those words without being able to answer but at the same time I was glad Ana was back. I start to think about what I should start with but when she cleared her throat, my heart came up my throat blocking the oxygen from walking to my chest, waiting for her to talk but she only bought the cup to her lips upsetting me.

I looked away and rubbed my forehead, frustrated of having so many things to think about at the same time. I am fucked up but I don't want to loose her.