Innocent ✔️

Forty eight

I scanned through the pages not knowing where to start. I noticed that she was only talking to her mother as if she was sending her messages so she gets updated on everything that happens to her. I remembered the drawing of me laying on that book before and I took it from the other one I saw.

She draws really good that I felt like I needed to tell her to draw more of me on papers. I wish I could draw like that. At least I would be able to have pictures of her when she isn't around. I smiled down at it. I miss her so much. I sighed and just opened a random page and start reading.

Dear mother,

Sometimes love is the wrong thing to pick and sometimes you fall in love with people you shouldn't fall in love with. I don't know if falling in love with Jackson is the right thing to do but I can't stop it, I tried and I can't. Every second I am with him I feel safe. I feel like nobody could hurt me but maybe because I was already in pain.

Pain, such a small and simple word that holds so much between the letters. It is probably the strongest emotion I've ever felt. No positivity involved in the word. Only darkness seen. Lately I became very acquainted with it. Alone or surrounded with people. My heart aches way too often. I sometimes caught myself thinking what life feels like without pain.

This has nothing to do with pain, this shit is about me. When my eyes met my name in the next sentence, I knew I was right.

Jackson takes a lot away from it but also adds on it sometimes. I feel like I am doing the wrong thing letting him get to me. Maybe it could be easier without loving him. But again his kisses are heaven. His kisses makes me just smile. I kissed him once but I would really love to kiss him again. His lips were so soft and he kissed me with so much love. It felt so good that I was so disappointed when he pulled away, I was going to tell him but I was just too shy to ask him for more.

My heart literally sank when I read this. It pains me seeing that I am probably a reason why she is more stressed. The more she gets closer to me the more she gets hurt. I have to admit it that she has every right to be, I hate seeing it but I won't ask why she is that way. I know that she is scared to end up hurt because of me. It scared me as well, I don't want her to end up like Cassy, I don't want her hurt. But I love her and I want to love her. I want everyone to know. I need no support from anyone I just need them to fuck off and let me do whatever I want without being scared that someone will fuck everything up.

Sometimes I want to count on him and trust him to take the pain away and make me feel safe. I have faith that one day it's only going to be me and him.

I love the way she have faith in me but where is she now?

I probably say this a lot but I'm scared. I don't know how this will end and all I know is that it doesn't seem like it will end like I want it to but I can't just give up and walk away because of something I think will happen. I can't give up on him because I'm scared I will get hurt.

You did, Ana. You gave up on me.

I know that whatever will happen to me, he will be here to protect me. The way his father looked at me made me just think for a few second that this look will change to a soft one because his son loves me but this image never managed to cross my mind. The way Jackson talks about him makes me get more scared of what he is capable of and it makes me wonder if he could hurt me on any type of way.

I could feel in her words how much she is scared and it pains me that I never really knew about it.

All I'm wishing for is for Jackson to be okay and for me to get through this without being killed.