Innocent ✔️

Forty three

Jackson's point of view

I miss her and I can't sleep. Her features can't leave my closed eyes. I hate it. I hate getting that attached to her but you can't blame me. You can't blame me for loving her. She was the only one that made me feel loved and I was selfish enough and did something to keep her with her but it was the reason of her leaving.

I know she loves her brother but I love her too. Nobody will ever love her like I do. I love her more than the chaotic mess that is my life but she doesn't see that.

She clearly said that she doesn't love me. She said that she doesn't want to love me. She is forced to do so. She is forced to love me because she lives with me so now that she doesn't live with me anymore, she doesn't love me.

Laying in my bed with my eyes burning and half closed, only thinking about her and how she is going was the only thing I wanted to do. I was somehow waiting for her thinking that maybe she will come back. I felt so weak, I feel like I lost a big thing. I haven't drank in so long and doing it again got me miss the feeling and drink more than I used to.

I slowly got up, sitting on the bed, I dug my fingers in my pocket and took out a folded paper. I opened it and placed it on the bed then from my other pocket, I took out a cigarette and removed the filter by squeezing at its bade and rotating between my finger and thumb and cut the cigarette in two. I took out all the shit inside it and replaced it by the paper with the weed. I rolled the joint with the filter and licked the base with my dry tongue.

I got my lighter from the nightstand and lightened it after placing it between my dry lips. I took a deep puff and slowly laid back in bed, closing my eyes.

That was the only way to stop thinking about her or it was probably not because even when I'm high or drunk, she still is glued to my brain and my thoughts. I was ready to do anything to have her back. I was ready to even go to Jonathan's house and take her from there but what was really stopping me was that I knew that she won't come along. She was the one that chose to leave and won't just come back with me like that.

Everything was going wrong these days, since Jonathan came back everything went wrong. My father that gave up on me after a long time of trying to win be back after Cassy's death. Me and Ana always scared to be known as a couple, if we were, scared to see the consequences. Ana's fight with me. Ana leaving me.

I took another puff trying to block out all the thoughts but I felt like I'm having more of them the more I smoke. I huffed and laid back on the headboard. I looked back to my side imagining her there.

Imagining? I'm not being high, I'm being crazy. How could someone imagine someone they love next to them to feel okay? How could I do that?

"Come back." I groaned and slide my body down feeling like I was about to black out.

Anastasia's point of view

"Anastasia?" Someone knocked on the door causing me to groan. I wanted to be alone. I wanted to stay alone for as long as possible.

"Come in." I said turning on my other side in bed wanting to give my back to the one on the door. Whom was no one else but Jonathan.

"Are you asleep?" He asked.

"No." I simply answered.

I felt his feet come closer to the bed. With each step he took closer, I prayed to god to be the last. I didn't want him to come close to me. I wanted no one to come close to me.

I sometimes regret leaving and hated myself for being the reason of it but then I got back and remember that here I'm better. Here I'm safer and here I'm with my brother.

How could love be so strong that wanted to make me give up on everything only to have him. Freedom, family, happiness, safety and carefree are here and I'm choosing to be there where I'm scared, unhappy, always worried, see my brother once in a million years. It was a hard question with an undiscovered answer. I didn't know its answer.

That's why people always used to say that we should not use our heart and always use our brain. I picked my brain yes and sacrificed my heart for love. I miss him. I won't lie to make myself feel better like I did those past days. I miss him and I don't know how to have him back.

I admit that here there is everything I want and even Jonathan that I thought would be mean to me is being so nice and is trying to make me feel so good.

Talking about Jonathan, I looked back at him and hummed questioning what he was saying. I realized that I dug deep in my thoughts and didn't listen to what he said.

"Oh my god, were you listening?" He said.

"I'm sorry, I feel asleep." I used my talent at being a good liar. Only Jackson knew when I was lying.

"Oh you sound tired. Come eat then come back to sleep." He said and walked closer to help me stand up but I swiped his hands off of me and refused to stand up with him.

"I'm so tired. I'll go to sleep." I said with a tired voice to make him leave me but the voice I used was the voices of sadness. The voice that held back all the mention of the tears that wanted to fall and just couldn't. The voice that showed a lot but nobody understood.

"Okay fine." He sighed and I heard his feet walk away. "Good night Anastasia." He said and even before I answer him I heard the door clacking closed.

I sighed and closed my eyes slowly trying to sleep. I wanted to sleep and I had to sleep.

I had to at least keep going on with my life. Keep doing something that will make me forget. Will I ever forget?

I turned to the other side and groaned. Why do I have to regret everything I choose. It's been years that I wish I would choose something in my life and when I do I regret it. Why am I thinking about this again? Each time it comes in my head and push it away and promise myself to not think about it again but I do and it never stops.

"Jackson." I grunted. I wanted him here. I miss sleeping in his arms, falling asleep to the beat of his heart.

"Ana," he called.

"Jackson! You came!"

His features. Oh how I miss them. His deep blue eyes that get lock in my eyes with a soft smile on his face.

"Of course I would come baby. I can't live without you." His soft hand ran on his cheek like it always used to.

"You hurt me." I confess.

"I'm sorry." His voice was low but soft, calming me.

His touch got absent off me but right after his body hooked over mine bringing the warm I've been looking for. I needed this again. His hand got placed on my neck and the other was supporting him up to leave a small space between our bodies. His moist lips left a kiss on forehead then another on my cheek then another on my neck right above his hand. I wanted to save this moment forever, feeling his hand travel down to my hips from my neck without leaving an inch untouched. His teeth dug in the skin of my neck, hard to make me moan but soft to not hurt me or leave a mark.

It was silent between us but I wished for nothing more than to stay like that forever. My eyes shut, wanting to only give all my attention to his touch. His cold hand was rubbing all over my warm skin making me bite my lip, loving the feeling and his lips made sure to leave a kiss on all my neck, down on my collarbone and on the alley of my breasts.

"Jackson," I moaned, wanting more, needing more but his touch was slowly vanishing. I felt a tear rolling down the corner of my cheek causing me to frown in confusion. "Jackson." I called but nothing, it was like he left.

I opened my eyes to find my right hand on the left side of my neck and my left hand on my right hip, crossed like I wanted to fill his touch needs with my own hands.

I blinked twice. What was I doing? My mind is instable, not being able to live without him. I got used to him. My brain was unable to comprehend that I had to be away from him. I had to leave. I sighed and threw my head back. I turned to my side and closed my eyes letting my tears fall out, only trying to imagine him next to me, wanting to fall asleep. I guess this is it. That's how it will go and I have to try my best to accept it.