the heart wants what it wants

Flipping the Bird

It's been a week since the guys and I oh yeah and Mark tagged that billboard. Still can't believe it. That is one of the biggest accomplishments I have done in my life. 

Dad: "Kate, get down here!" my dad called. 

I slowly got out of bed and put my computer up. I walked down the stairs slowly so just in case I was in trouble it would give him some time to cool down. 

Me:"What?"

Dad: "Is there anything you want to tell me?"

Oh Sugar.Honey.Ice.Tea

This was it. The moment I was going to die. He knows about the billboard. Just start crying,beg for forgiveness, and apologize. But how does he know about the billboard. Maybe he doesn't know about that. Maybe he knows about...

Oh shoot. That's the only thing he could know about. "Play it cool" I whispered to myself.

Me: "I'm sorry?"

Dad: "Don't play dumb. You know what I am talking about. What happened at school today."

Me: "Nothing much. Just learned."

Real smooth I thought

Dad: "That's not what Alejandro's mom said. She said you flipped the bird at him."

Me: "That's not entirely true."

Dad: "Than why don't you enlighten me."

Me: "He made me angry so I flipped him off."

Olivia: "I'm so proud of you."

Olivia suddenly decided to join in once I explained my side of the story.

Dad: "No, not proud, disappointed. You don't do that to people."

Olivia: "She needs to know how to defend herself."

Dad: "With words not actions."

Olivia: "She did use words. She used a word."

Me: "While you two sort this out I am going upstairs."

Dad: "No come here. Your mo... You were not raised to flip people off when the make you mad."

Me: "Okay I get it. Leave me alone."

I stomped off to my room not know or wanting to here what my punishment is. I turned back on my computer and got on wattpad.com to finish my story Never Again. 

Never Again 

Chapter  29

I hopped in the shower and let the hot water run down my back. When the water hit my thighs and my forearm it stung. Stung worse than a bee. My arms started bleeding again, so did my thighs. I couldn't bare it. I hopped out of the shower and found a bandage and disinfectant to put on the cuts. 

Knock, Knock, Knock

I stopped writing. Someone was at the door.

Me: "What do you want?!"

The door opened and standing in the door way was my dad.

Me: "I said 'What do you want?!' That means stand outside and state your business. Not come in."

Dad: "Sorry. Anyway, I want to talk to you about what happened."

Me: "Okay. Shoot."

Dad: "You aren't in trouble. You just can't go around doing that to people. What if I did that to you?"

Me: "I would do it right back."

Dad: "Okay, let me put this differently. Your m... Your mother and I did not raise you to do that. Okay?"

Me: "Whatever."

Dad: "I just want what's best for you."

Me: "Only I know what's best for me. No one else is me but me."

Dad: "That's true. Just promise me you won't do it again."

Me: "Fine."

Olivia: "Daniel get down here please." Olivia yelled all the way from the kitchen.

Dad: "Got to go. I love you Kate."

Me: "Dido."

My dad walked out and I was left alone with my computer and wattpad.

Never Again.

I knew that I would never go back to the way my life was once I made those cuts. I counted them. 1,2,3,4,5...14. 14 cuts on my arms. Every time I cut my body is in pain. It wants the cuts to stop. But my mind is at ease. The blood puffs up from the surface of my skin. Bright red dots of my blood appear. When I see them I don't think "What have I done?" I smile and feel proud of myself. I feel proud that I have the courage to do this. That I can walk around school and not feel ashamed when people ask me what happened to my arm. The thing about cutting is that my body is in pain and is begging for me to stop. But my mind is at ease. It begs for more. For more cuts each time. One turns into two and two to four and so on. Soon there is a lot of blood on my arm and I feel vulnerable yet strong at the same time. I can't explain the feeling I get but all I can say is that when I cut. Nothing else matters anymore. Weight is lifted from my shoulders. My entire world fades away and I am left with the one thing that matters most in my life. Peace. 

I usually clean up the cuts with a disinfectant and towel so the blood can stop and so it won't get infected. My mom never sees them. She never pays enough attention to me. There was a knock on my door and I already knew who it was. The police. My dad is a drunk and my mom sometimes has to call when he hits me or her. My mom had come in to tell me that the cops were here but that was no surprise. This happens every time he gets drunk. Mostly Once a week twice if it's a special drunk. I don't think I will ever drink. I have seen what it can do to people. Like my dad for example. I don't want to be like that when I am a parent. I don't want to be hitting and beating my children. I don't want them to fear me. I want them to love me and be able to trust me. Sometimes I find myself struggling trying to cling on to life. I always feel like instead of cutting I should just take the knife and jab it inside of me. But I always find myself thinking of all the good things I have. What I would miss. I know right. If you want to kill yourself than why would you think of the things that you would miss? Why don't you just do it? Truth is I don't know. I don't know what anything is anymore. I don't know what love is, what trust is, what friendship is, who I am. I just know that I want all of this drama to stop.

I look at the clock and see it's 8:36. So I save what I have in Never Again and shut down my computer. I feel like the girl I am writing about. 

I don't know who I am anymore.