Save Me

It was all Blue..

Tears stained my pillow as I wept endlessly. I can't believe I let all these years pass by without letting Blue know about her father. I've been selfish, just like my dad was.
I got up from my bed and let my feet touch the plush beige carpet. I stretched and yawned from a night of virtually no sleep. I miss when Jay used to rock me to sleep. I shook the thoughts out of my head and took a look in the mirror. My eyes were so puffy and red. It was obvious I had been crying all night and I can't let Blue see that. 
Luckily she won't be up for some hours so I can get myself ready. I went into my bathroom and took a long steamy shower. Afterwards I washed my face in ice cold water which seemed to immediately soothe my eyes and the puffiness was gone. I applied some concealer, foundation, and some mascara.
Once that was done I rubbed my cocoa butter lotion all over my body then threw on a matching bra and panty set. Then I rummaged through my huge walk in closet for something to wear. I wanted to look cute but not like I was trying too hard. So I finally decided on some acid washed skinnys, a nude colored ribbed sweater and some nude combat boots. I put my curly hair into a messy bun and applied some clear lipgloss. I looked pretty good if I do say so so myself.
Since I was done I decided to wake Blue. When I walked into her room she was sleeping peacefully in her bed. She looked so Adorable I almost didn't wanna wake her up. I gently shook her and she slowly opened her eyes. She favored Jay and I so much it was crazy.
"Good Morning mommy," she said in the sweetest little voice.
"Good Morning Blue Blue, let's get outta bed now," I said to her.
She climbed out of her bed and stretched and yawned. She's just like me.
"What we gon do today mommy?" She asked me and I smiled.
"Well first we're gonna go see grandma, then we are gonna go meet a friend of mine,"
" oh okay, I hope granny lets me me make some more sugar cookies!" She squealed.
"She just might, now let's go wash up," I said as we walked to her bathroom together. I helped her bathe herself then I dried her off. After that was all done I lotions her down in some baby lotion and she put on her undies and under shirt.
" mommy what should I wear?" She asked.
"I don't know baby,"
" I wanna look like u mommy," she said to me.
Blue is always copying me. It's so adorable. I just hope she makes smarter choices than I did.
" okay baby we will find something,"
I rummaged through her closet and finally found a nude colored sweater and some nude colored boots with bows all along the back. She put them on with some regular jeans and then I had to do her hair, I hated doing Blue's hair for the simple fact I barely want to do my own. Either way I detangled and moisturized her hair and pulled it up into a neat bun. Then I laid down her edges and put her on some tiny gold studs.

"You look beautiful,"I said to her.

"Thanks mommy," she said to me and I bent down and kissed her forehead.

Affection was never shown in my house growing up. My mother never gave me hugs and kisses and my father never hugged me or even had daddy daughter time with me. It was just always pageant this and pageant that. I had to strive to be perfect in their eyes and after all these years I'm still an ugly flaw to them.

I grabbed Blue's hand and went downstairs and out the huge french style doors that led to my front yard. We walked to the garage and blue automatically ran to her favorite vehicle. It was an old style baby blue Cadillac.

"Okay blue we'll drive this," I said.

She got in the backseat and put on her seat belt. I was so proud because normally I'd have to remind her to put it on. Once I got in and put the key in the ignition I sped off down the road to my parent's house.

As soon as I pulled into the driveway of their mansion Blue had hopped out of the car and on her way to the front door. I shook my head. It's funny how they love her so much but Solo and I were never shown love and affection. Especially not the excessive way they show it to her. Hopefully our relationship will get better in the future.