Shattered

lost

Darry ran to my room when he heard the pounding sound of objects hitting my wall. I see him take in the catastrophic mess I've made. I whirl around and punch the wall again, enjoying the mark it leaves. Somehow, I can't bring myself to care about the blood dripping down my knuckles. I bend down to pick up a shoe from the floor, I pick it up and throw it hard into Darry's face. Darry flinches and pins my arms behind me. "PONYBOY, STOP!" Darry yells but I fight against him. "NO! IT'S NOT FAIR!" I scream, thrashing about. The emotions that I've stored inside for the last few years are boiling over and there's nothing I can do to stop them. "CURLY IS DEAD!" I scream at the top of my lungs but I still can't seem to accept it. Then again I lied to myself and I never even got over Johnny. I got to the point where I could see the truth, I just won't accept it. "BUT YOU'RE STILL ALIVE!" Darry yells back. "Ponyboy, yes, we lose people in our lives and it hurts like hell but that doesn't mean we have to stop living!" He screamed and I knew he wanted to cry, he wouldn't though. He hardly did. "I don't want to live! I can't do this anymore!" I say, tears pouring down my face."Stop, please just stop," Darry says and I hear the tremble in his voice, "What makes you think I can live without you?" He holds me closer to him so I am forced to give up and stop fighting and so I lean into his shoulder instead. I let loose and cry until I can't breathe. Darry sits on the floor with me, rocking back and forth, watching helplessly as my world falls apart. Sobs viciously rack my body and I don't think I will ever stop crying. Eventually, I will have to get up off this floor and start picking up the broken, scattered pieces of my life and I will have to start putting them back together. Sadly, that day won't be today because I'm not quite ready to start living again.
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When I wake up, Darry is sound asleep on the floor next to me and it is still dark out. I stand up and stretch, my muscles screaming in protest. I need to get out of here and think a little so I grab a pillow off the bad and put it under Darry's head before I cover him with a blanket. Silently, I pick up some books off the floor and neatly stack them on my desk, feeling horrible for throwing them. Next, I grab the desk chair I threw and put it back where it belongs after making sure it wasn't broken. I straighten the covers on the bed and I pick up all the other miscellaneous objects I threw around the room. I pick everything up until the only thing left to do is fix the holes in the wall; Darry is going to have to do that later. When I slip out of the room and creep downstairs, the first thing I notice is that Steve is sleeping on the ground next to Soda. A pang of jealously runs through me. Soda comes home and tries to kill me but the minute Steve gets here, Soda's fine. I want my brother back. I turn around and quietly walk out the front door. I start my stroll to the lot, my favorite place to think. I sit on the ground and lean back against a tree, one of the few trees in this "park." Whenever I come here, I feel like Johnny is with me. Today, I'm going to watch a sunset. I tilt my head back and look at the stars, waiting for day to break. Suddenly, I hear a noise and look up. Down the street, I see someone stumbling around. I can tell they're saying something and I close my eyes and listen. "Has anyone seen my brother? Anyone?" The person croaks and a strange feeling of recognition sweeps over me. The person stumbles under a streetlight and I'm able to get a quick glimpse of them. "Tim?" I call out tentatively. "Have you seen my brother?" The person asks again and I jump to my feet. It is Tim. I get closer to him and, with the dim light from the streetlights, I notice that he is not only covered in throw up but that he also has some fresh bruises on his face. I look at Tim's hands and notice that they look just like mine. I'm guessing Tim blew up, got in some fights, and then got really drunk or vice versa. There really is no other way to cope in this small town. A pang of sadness runs through me at the realization that Curly was half of Tim's family. There was no one to look out for Tim anymore but Angela. Normally, Tim was a tough guy and didn't need looking after but he obviously isn't himself tonight. No one is. I feel like I don't know anyone amymore, like I'm living in some strange alternate universe. I shake myself out of my thoughts and push aside the ache of loneliness I feel so I can focus my energy on Tim. "Tim it's Ponyboy. Do you know who I am?" I ask gently. Tim stares blankly into space, asking the same question over and over again. I grab Tim's forearm and I tug him along behind me for a few blocks before we finally reach his house. Tim sways to the side and I wrap my arm around him and guide him up the porch stairs. "There ya go. Just a little bit more now." I say, dragging him to his room before sitting him down on the bed. I've never been allowed in Tim's room before so I take a good look around and notice that there is stuff everywhere. There are clothes thrown around carelessly and there are magazines and beer cans littering the floor. I smile, Tim's room was just like Tim: wild, messy, and carefree. I look at Tim sitting on the bed and I pull off his dirty T-shirt and throw it on the ground. Then, I walk out of the room and search for a piece of paper and a pen. When I finally find them, I scribble Tim a note, Curly wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. I leave the note on Tim's nightstand and was about to leave the house, there are too many reminders off Curly in here and it's suffocating. However Angela took me to her room. One thing lead to another and thoughts went goodbye. It was skin on skin, flesh on flesh. When it was over, I left as soon as she fell asleep. I didn't need her, I didn't love her and she was the same towards me. I start to jog down the road. Screw the sunset, it was long over now. I've come to the conclusion that I need to get out of here before I lose it like everyone else. I'm going to leave Tulsa, Oklahoma for the second time in my life and I'm going to love every second of it.