Shattered

Stop and stare

"Ponyboy?" Someone asks quietly from behind. Startled, I jump a little and my right foot slips off the rail. I can't jump yet, its to early. A surprised noise escapes my mouth and I try to regain balance before I fall. The person standing behind me grabs the back of my shirt and pulls me backwards and I land on top of them. The wind is knocked out of me and I gasp for breath, panicked. The person was out of breath too. I was never going to jump but I almost fell. Stop lying to yourself you were going to jump. My mind was so conflicted. Every ounce of control I felt just seconds ago is ripped away from me. There is never control "Oh my god." The person says, and I push myself off of them. I turn around and am shocked by who I see. "Lily?" I ask in disbelief. I scramble to my feet and stumble backwards. "Take it easy!" She says. My world begins to spin and I think I'm going to be sick. "Get away from me!" I yell before I turn and sprint away, not bothering to say anything else. "Hey, wait!" Lily yells, she grabs my arm. I wish I was faster and her voice would be fading more and more with each step but it doesn't. I rip her hand off mine and push her away. "Curtis. Please!" She stood up and kissed me passionately, I again push her. She drove me to what I am right now. She lied, she waited to long. She tried so hard to get through to me but each time I pushed her. I didn't think, each push dragged us towards the rail. "Curtis, I never loved you but I was scared you would do something like this!" I closed my eyes, everthing i was doing was wrong. I was hurting a girl, ignoring my thoughts. She slapped me hard across the face, her body pressed against the edge of the bride but I don't pay attention. I hear the train whistle and I felt my arms push her one last time. Everything moved in slow motion, I hear nothing for a bit then it hit me. I heard the screech in the air of the breaks on the train. I killed her. I was stupid. Reckless. I wasn't thinking. My feet move before my thoughts. I don't stop running until I'm inside my apartment. I slam and lock the door behind me. I collapse on the floor and in seconds, tears are streaming down my face. I scream in frustration and punch the floor before I reach up and grab a bottle of whiskey off the c table. I don't take my mouth off the rim of the bottle until there's nothing left inside. I don't know why I came back here.