Shattered

you never really get to say goodbye

"Ponyboy Curtis , i asked you to wake up! You have visitors!" Cherry shouts as she shakes my arm. I moan in discomfort and pain. when I open my eyes I become dizzy. I had a head injury, i just knew it. Everthing is wrong with me. Cherry quickly bends down so that our eyes are level. "Hey are you okay? I can tell them to back off if you need me to, I'm Gere for you like you're there for me."I shake my head, "I'm okay, thank you though." Cherry nods in understanding and my brothers walk through the door. I always thought soda and Cherry would be a great couple, they're both nice and understanding. Soda crutches over to me and jumps on the bed, hard. I wince at the sudden motion and Darry gently slaps Sodapop on the back of the head, "chill out, Pepsi-Cola." I smile because, for the first time in a long time, things seem normal again. I want it to go back to before Johnny and Dally died.
"hey, guys." I manage to get out. "Hey Pony!" Darry says before reaching over and ruffling my hair. "How are you feeling?" "I'm feeling much better, I'm just ready to get out of here!" I say with a smile. Things are finally feeling normal. I can let go of the past soon. "The nurse will come by in a few minutes to do a final check in then the doctor will have the release papers!." I say with a smile but it dies when Darry frowns and glances at Soda. "Ponyboy, that's what we came to tell you. We're allowed to take you home but the state is coming to get you. They're taking you to a boys home until they make a final decision about whether or not we're fit to take care of you." Darry says in a soft soothing tone. Why are you soft now! When I need you to be strong.
I look at him in disbelief. Normality has split down the Crack and into the black.

///

Two years. It's been two whole fucking years since I was first thrown in a boys home. I'm eighteen now, my birthday was yesterday. Just like last year, Darry and Soda called but just like last year, I didn't want to talk to them. They left me here. There are deep feelings of anger and resentment that I carry around when it comes to my brothers. I hate them, I hate them, I hate them. I know it's unfair but, a long time ago, I had convinced myself that Darry and Soda could work their magic and i woyld still have thst chance of everthing going back to the way I want it and I couldn't help but be disappointed and depressed when I realized that was never going to happen and it never did. I clench my fists as I try and slow my breathing. "Curtis," lily says, pulling my chin up so that I'm forced to look at her. "You're going to be fine, I promise. I'll be out of here in two months and then we can get a place of our own. You only have to last two months on your own. Two months, Curtis ." She says. She calls me Curtis because Pony or ponyboy brings me to the past. I can't have that. "I don't know if I can Lily ." I say, my voice cracking. Ever since I've been here, I've had worse horrible nightmares, and have been so damn depressed. I want to die. I feel my breathing become more and more rapid and wince as every inhale starts to become painful. Lily puts her hands on both sides of my face and kisses me gently, he warm lips heaven against mine. A warm calm feeling passes through me and I find myself being pulled away from my negative thoughts. When lily kisses me, I'm home. "I love you." She whispers against my lips. "I love you more." I say, pulling her close so that she is pressed tightly against me. I squeeze her tightly, burying my face in the crook of her neck as she puts her arms around me. I never want to leave, I want to live in this moment forever. This is how soda felt with Sandy. Lily kisses my forehead, "Stay safe and don't worry too much." I nod before I run my hands through her thick dark hair. Then I grab my bags and stand up, kissing her one last time before I walk out the door to my room.

///

9 minutes. 9 minutes between trains. I sigh and reset the timer sitting in my hand.I haven't slept in days. It's been a week and a half past the two month time period that Lily and I agreed on. Lily turned eighteen ten days ago and is probably out of the system by now but I haven't heard anything from her. I told her I would be in Tulsa and sent her a letter containing the address of the place I've been renting out. She said she loved me, did she lie? Lily and I agreed that when we both got out of the group home we were put in, we would meet up and move in together. She hasn't showed up and I'm starting to worry that she never will. I called the house a few days ago and they say Lily left a while ago and that they don't know where she's been living. She lied, she ruined me. Why is life so hard. Why do the ones i love leave me when i need them most!?My depression is out of control. I've been timing the trains that run under the bridge.A new train comes by every 9 minutes. I can't help but think this is the thing I've been waiting for. I want a way out, I should have done this before. It's a new way to escape my depression and a way to escape my suffocating thoughts about Lily for good. These damn trains might be my way out, the solution to all of my problems. Death surrounds my heart beat slowing down. I want nothing more than it to stop me. I stand up and glance at the timer. It's been three minutes. If I jumped now, the worst that would happen was that I would break one or both of my legs. But, if I time it just right, I could end everything right now, which is what I want. It's nice to know that I have the power to control my fate. I swing one leg over the railing and pull myself up onto it. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I was getting into place. Shakily, I stand up on the railing and drop the timer onto the ground behind me.