Shattered

life time in repeat

I know I have to talk to Darry, I can't keep running away from my problems. I always run from them. Climbing up the stairs to my old home, I knock lightly on the door. "Come in!" Darry yells. I open The door an Darry appears, leaning casually against the doorframe, letting out a big yawn. He straightens up when he sees me, "Hey, Pony. What are you doing up so early, it's almost four in the morning?" When I look into Darry's eyes, I notice that I'm almost as tall as him now. "Darry, can I talk to you for a second?" I ask hesitantly, mu voice shaking. "Sure thing, come on in. Ponyboy, this could be your home too if you wanted it to be. And the door is always open, you know that, you didn't even have to knock." Darry says softly and I can tell he's upset, or maybe tired. I nod and give Darry a smale smile, it's been a long time since I saw him smile.
Darry leads me into the kitchen and I notice that not much has changed around here besides a few furniture upgrades. We never did have a lot of money but for some reason I had hope that it would change. I stand by the kitchen table, shifting back and forth awkwardly, not knowing what to do with myself. Darry starts making himself some coffee and turns around to address me. "Coffee?" he offers but I shake my head. Darry was probably getting ready for work.
"Darry, just stop! I know you're probably upset about yesterday and me coming here today is just as hard for me as it is for you." I say, wanting to get right down to business, it didn't stop the panic I felt. I feel my hands shake slightly and I wish I had brought some whiskey with me to calm. Darry's looks me up and down and I can tell he's trying to get a read on me, see if he can tell what I'm thinking by the way I'm acting, by the way I'm carrying myself. It's a habit he never broke I guess. I've watched Darry use this move on people countless times so I shove my hands in my pockets and stand up straighter to give Darry less to work with. Darry notices my sudden movements and makes eye contact with me again, smirking slightly, knowing very well that his little mind reading trick isn't going to work on me today. "Darry, I didn't want to come over here in the first place but I thought I owed you an apology. I was drunk and wasn't thinking, I honestly didn't mean all of what I said. I'm guessing you're probably worried about me but I'm here to tell you not to be. I've changed and can handle being on my own. Also, I don't know how much longer I'm going to stick around and I didn't want your last impression of me to be of some drunk fool. I know you have your own life now and I didn't mean to come barging into it." I say quickly, not breaking eye contact with Darry the whole time I spoke. As much as I hate to admit it, I want Darry's last impression of me to be a good one because I guess deep down I've always been looking for Darry's approval. He's been my father.
When I finish saying my piece, I notice that Darry looks sad. "Ponyboy, you're talking as if we're in some fancy business meeting, as if we're two strangers sitting across a table from each other. Ponyboy, I raised you for crying out loud! I want you to be honest with me! I know that you meant what you said yesterday and that's all I wanted you to do. I just want you to be open with me! You shut your family out for two years and now you're acting as if you've been gone for ten, why?!" Darry says loudly, throwing his hands in the air out of frustration. "Darry, I'm not ready to talk about that stuff with you yet. Those were some of the darkest days of my life. The only thing I will tell you is that out of all of that darkness, I found the best thing that has ever happened to me. Her name is Lily . She's my family now. I felt the lie deep down n it was killing me. I want you to understand that. I know what happened wasn't your fault, I know you couldn't interfere with government orders but I guess I was more than just a little disappointed when I realized that Superman couldn't save me this time around." I say, choking up a little at my use of Darry's nickname. "Ponyboy, please don't shut us out again. I get that you love this girl a lot but what I want you to understand is that those two years were hell for Soda and I too. We never stopped thinking about you, we never stopped worrying about you and we never stopped loving you! We tried to visit, we tried to call. Why, why wouldn't you let us in?!" Darry asks, and a pang of remorse runs through me when his eyes start watering. Suddenly, I'm taken off guard when something small comes sprinting down the hallway. "Daddy!" It yells as it launches itself at Darry. That's when I realize that the thing that came running down the hallway wasn't a something but a someone. That sudden realizations hits me and I feel as if I've been punched in the chest. My legs start shaking and I sit down in the closest chair, hard. Darry's whole face lights up. "Hey cupcake!" He says, picking the child up off the ground and holding her. "Daddy, mommy is s sleeping." She whispers into his ear as if it were some big secret that only they could know. Darry turns around and sees me and his expression changes completely.
"Alright, Melissa. Why don't you run upstairs and ask her what she wants for breakfast." Darry says, kissing the top of the little girl's head before putting her back on the ground.
"Okay!" she says, running off again as if what Darry just told her to do was the most important task in the entire world. "What's wrong, Ponyboy?" Darry asks, turning his attention back onto me. "I wanted to let you guys move on without having to worry about me. Like I said before, I've always known that I held you and Sodapop back. Looks like I was right." I say, a tear slipping out of the corner of my eye. I wipe it away hastily, "I'm sorry, I have to go." I stand up abruptly and turn to leave but Darry walks over and pulls me into a hug.
"Please don't go. You know that's not true, Pony. I love you and I've missed you so much." Darry says, squeezing me tighter. I relax into Darry's familiar embrace and that's when I lose it. Sobs wrack my entire body and I'm thrown right back into that place where I don't think I will ever stop crying. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I sob. "I never wanted to shut you out, I was just so mad at everything. I just wanted life to give me a break."
"I know Ponyboy, it's alright." Darry insists, his own voice shaking slightly.
"And Darry?" I add.
"Yeah?" "Your little girl is beautiful." I say. "I know, she's my little girl. I have another one, he remind me of you."