Oasis (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Chapter 5 | Fears

Another part of the ridiculous treatment plan that was my life was worse than the private sessions and Chemo combined: group therapy. There was a session once a week with the kids on your floor and then a joint one on Sundays (because the hospital couldn't be any more creative) with every patient in the hospital. Basically, we all gathered inside the church basement that was conveniently located across the road from the hospital and talked about our feelings on things like Life and Death and Cancer. It was really pointless when you got down to the bone, but the hospital directors, or whoever decides that shit, thought that people are more likely to open up if they are in a group. You know, if they see others doing it, they will, too so they can say they fit in. Personally, I didn't even understand why they wanted us to open up. I mean, we have Cancer. What more is there to say?

The moderator for these sessions was a man by the name of Kim Joonmyun. He, like most of the therapists in the hospital, had a Ph.D. in psychology and even went to college in America. He kind of reminded me of my parents in the fact that he always seemed to be smiling. Like he was always happy on the outside, but you just knew that somewhere inside of him he was depressed just like his patients. I guess in that aspect, too, he reminded me of Kyungsoo in a way. But, anyway, I couldn't blame him for pushing down his true emotions. You see, when you're a doctor or a parent, you have to put on a brave face for the people you care for because it's your job to make them feel better, not the other way around. But how can you keep that up when you're surrounded by kids with only Dead Hope and a few months to live? I never said this aloud, but I highly respected Joonmyun and his ability not to show his feelings. In fact, I often got myself gazing at him with squinted eyes, trying desperately to figure out just how he did it. How did one act so happy when they were, in fact, miserable? It's a question I still haven't found the answer to.

"Let's all get seated," he said, cheerfully making his way up to the podium. Everyone lowered their chattering and scurried to their seats at his instructions. Kyungsoo came and sat next to me, glancing over at me and smiling at me as he did so. I just looked at him for a moment and then crossed my arms over my chest, leaning on the back of the pew for support. "Welcome, everyone," he said, his hands on the podium and a smile spread across his lips. "I hope you've all had a good week." The sound of people sniffling, coughing and shuffling feet filled the air for a second or two as he moved some papers around. "Today," he began again, looking back out at us, "I want to talk about something we haven't talked about before: our fears." Everyone remained quiet, shifting in their seats uncomfortably. "So, I thought it'd be nice to start off with some of you telling your peers one of your fears. Who would like to go first?" My arms still crossed over my chest, I looked around and snickered under my breath when I saw not a single person raising their hand. So much for the peer pressure technique. But all of a sudden, Kyungsoo stood up.

"I'm afraid of spiders," he stated bravely, getting a little laugh out of almost everyone. "I don't like that they have eight legs; I don't think things should have eight legs. And I don't like the way they look; it's deceiving. They look all furry and big and creepy and then your parents tell you they are good because they eat bugs." He shook his head. "Spiders are the weirdest creatures in existence and I hate them." After his little confession, he sat back down and looked over at me, smiling faintly as I tried to hold back a laugh in my throat.

"That's good," Joonmyun said, smiling and nodding his head. "Anyone else?" There was more silence for about thirty seconds before someone else collected courage and stood up.

"I-I'm afraid of heights," he admitted shyly. "I almost fell off a roller coaster when I was ten and now I can barely look off the side of a bridge without wanting to puke my guts out." More snickers came from around him, but not as many as when Kyungsoo went. After that, it seemed that the peer pressure technique was actually taking effect and more kids began to stand and confess their fears. One girl admitted that she was deathly afraid of polka dots and another said the mere sight of frogs made her burst into tears.

"Jongin," Joonmyun said, making me groan in annoyance. He, too, knew of my positively lovely personality and made it a point to single me out at every meeting. "What about you? What's your fear?" I could feel everyone's eyes land on me and my body stiffened. The truth was, I had a fear of speaking in public, but I didn't exactly feel the need to share that with them, needless to say. I sighed and focused my attention on only him as if we were the only two in the room.

"I don't have any fears," I said bluntly. "I used to be afraid of death, but if I say that now I'd basically be saying I'm afraid of myself since, you know, I am death."

"Still," he said, taking a shot at being persistent, "there must be something you are afraid of."

"No, there really isn't," I said, shaking my head. "I know you don't know this, but when you have cancer as we do, there's nothing else that's worse. You have nothing left to fear because you're living in your worst nightmare every day until you die." Everyone, including Joonmyun, fell quiet at that and sat back in my original, my point made. I hated to state the morbid truth, but someone had to say it. And since Death was my best friend at the time, I suppose it was only right that it was me.

********

At lunch, I sat at the same table I always did and sat by myself like I always did. This time, though, I found myself glancing over my shoulder on occasions to see if I could spot Kyungsoo. I had no conscious idea that I was doing this, so I couldn't exactly catch myself and stop. I did eventually when I saw him, quickly diverting my eyes away before he could notice that I was looking for him.

"Hi, Jongin," he said with a bright smile, this time sitting across from me.

"Hi," I said, still sounding as plain as ever.

"You know, everyone kind of hates you right now," he said, causing me to shrug nonchalantly. "They all say that you're too morbid."

"Well, that's not my problem, now is it?" I said, looking back up at him and then continue to shove my food around on my plate. He stayed quiet for a minute or two more as he began to consume his own food. The silence carried on for at least three minutes more before he spoke again.

"I don't think your food likes being pushed around like that," he said, clearly trying to be humorous but failing when I just looked at him, unimpressed. "Aren't you hungry?"

"No, I'm not and I think I've made that fairly obvious," I said. "I have no appetite for food anymore."

"Well, that sucks for you," he said, earning a confused expression from me in response. "Food is amazing and it sucks that your stomach doesn't want it." My eyes narrowed even deeper as I tried to figure out what the hell he meant by that, but I gave up pretty early and dropped my head. "You know, I see you when you throw your food out," he said, causing me to lift my eyes up toward him once again. Except this time, there wasn't a look of humor or happiness in his eyes, there was one of sympathy or something in that family. "I know you try to do it discreetly, but I see it every time you do it."

I exhaled shakily, starting to sit up straight. "Yeah, well, I don't want one of the lunch ladies telling my therapist or my doctor that I didn't eat because then my parents would be all up in my case again and saying that I'm depressed and shit," I said.

"Are you depressed?" he inquired.

"What do you think?" I shot back. "You said it yourself, everyone here thinks I'm morbid."

"Morbid and depressed are two different emotions," he said. "I know you're morbid, but I want to know if you're depressed." I went quiet after that. I never thought about it before he came along, if I was depressed. It certainly seemed like that, especially now that I'm recalling those times, but it's still hard to give a direct and definite diagnosis. Yes, I walked around wearing a frowning face all the time and wanted to die more than anything, but I didn't know if that qualified me as depressed. Because like Kyungsoo said, there was a difference between being morbid and being depressed.

A/N

Here's today's update! It's kind of boring, but I think it turned out well enough :)

I hope you enjoyed this chapter! That's all for now, but I'll post again on Sunday! 안녕! <3