Oasis (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Chapter 29 | Words, Written

For weeks on end his journal sat on the nightstand next to my bed, untouched and unread. I was curious to see what its contents were, sure, but reading it somehow felt wrong to me; it felt as I'd be invading his private thoughts without his permission, despite the fact that he apparently wanted me to have it. Plus, even if he did want my eyes to see what he wrote in it, I didn't know if I was ready to see what really went on in that mind of his. He wrote his whole life in there basically and for me to read about it while he wasn't around as if it were a tabloid...it didn't feel like the right move yet. And I wanted to make sure that I was okay with myself emotionally before submerging my heart and mind into his words.

I had no idea of when his funeral would be, but since I figured it couldn't be too far away. His parents stopped coming into the hospital after they signed all of the paperwork from the hospital, which was a more than obvious move considering that they no longer had anyone to visit on the weekends. 

I couldn't even imagine the pain they went through after receiving that phone call. To think that you invested so much time and money to help save your child's life only to have them die before their time must have been pure torture. 

To some extent, I could relate to them and their feelings of grief. For the longest time, I felt guilty for all the things I didn't do for him and all the time I didn't spend with him. Every minute and every second wasted gnawed at me. You might say, like many of the others I have encountered, that there is no need for me to feel that way since it wasn't like I was the one who killed him, but unless you've experienced death, you wouldn't understand. Even if you weren't directly involved in the physical killing, the fact that you can no longer tell them how you feel combined with all the time that you failed to spend with them while they were alive is enough to make you feel as if you were the murderer that stopped their heart.

After obtaining his personal thoughts, I became quieter than I usually was. And not the depressed quiet mostly, but the I don't know what to do with myself quiet. I began to spend a lot more time in the art room, but I still refused to paint anything. I would just sit there on the stool and stare back and forth at the easel in front of me and the journal in my lap. It was one of those days when I heard someone open the door, the unexpected sound causing my head to turn as the two figures stepped in, one behind the other.

"Mr. and Mrs. Do?" I said, spinning around in their direction before standing on my feet.

"Hi, Jongin," Mrs. Do said, hugging me briefly before I did the same with Mr. Do.

"What are you doing here?" I asked respectfully. "I thought you already signed the papers."

"Oh, we did," she said, "but we wanted to come back and see how you were holding up. We know how close you were to him."

I sighed a little as I dropped my head for a second. "Honestly, it's been really hard for me," I said, nodding faintly as I glanced at both of them. "It feels like one second he was here and the next he wasn't."

"Don't we know it," his dad said, causing a brief but light chuckle to leave my mouth. "You know, he really did care for you," he added later, earning a faint smile from me. "He talked about you all the time."

"Yes, every time we'd come up he'd have something new to tell us about you," his mom said, chiming in.

I chuckled airily. "Well, I cared about him a lot, too," I said to them. "I just wish he would have told me how bad he was."

"That was just how he was," she said. "Even before he was diagnosed, he was introverted and quiet around people. That's why we're so happy he had you. I know we weren't around to see you two together that often, but I don't think he's ever opened up to anyone like he did with you." As I saw tears enter her eyes, a faint smile still occupying her lips, I couldn't stop them from forming in my own. "You were so special to him, Jongin," she said as she sniffled and tried to wipe away some of her tears. "He loved you so much and I...I just want to thank you for making him happy while he was alive." More salty drops were coming into my eyes as I took a few steps forward and hugged her.