Oasis (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Chapter 31 | Like Raindrops

You won't mind if I take another short break, right? I promise it won't take up an entire chapter like last time. A break would do me some good, I think, since I'm approaching the sadder, more disheartening parts. It's hard for me to recall without getting a heavy heart, so you'll just have to mind me.

I have a picture of him sitting on my desk that I took with the camera his parents gave him. He wasn't expecting it, but he somehow managed to look up just in time to smile at the lens before I pressed the button. That is the one thing I will always love about him, his smile. It always seemed to have the ability to make even the darkest of days brighter, make even the saddest of people happy. I can't be sure, but I'm willing to bet that that smile of his made a huge difference in a lot of people's lives.

He's a sensitive subject to talk about now, especially with Luhan around. Part of me doesn't want to sound like I haven't moved in the past ten years, but the truth is, I haven't, at least not completely. There are different definitions of moving on, but I'll know that I've moved on when I can think of him and not be sad and not miss him like he just died the day before. 

Luhan says he doesn't mind, that's it's natural for me to miss him since he had such a big impact on who I am today, but I know that's not the total truth. How can you not feel the slightest bit jealous when the person you're with constantly has someone else on their mind? And when that someone else is dead, how can you compete? That's why I try not to bring him up too much when he's around, to protect him.

"I'm back," he announces gleefully as he opens the door to my apartment. I turn around in my desk chair, staying seated but still smiling at him as he slips off his shoes.

"Hey," I say. "How was the traffic?"

"Not too bad actually," he says back, setting a brown paper bag of something on my counter before making his way over to me. He bends a little in order to kiss me briefly on the lips, and then I let him take a seat on my lap, one of his arms propped on my shoulder. "What were you doing?" he asks, glancing at my laptop screen.

"Just planning out lessons and grading projects, the norm," I reply. "If I had a dollar for every paper I had to grade, I'd be rich by now." He giggles a little and readjusts his arm slightly. I continue to look at the paper I was grading when he walked in, but I get distracted when I see him reach forward and pick up the picture of Kyungsoo, moving his arm so he can hold it with both hands.

"Is this him?" he asks, no obvious signs of envy in his voice.

"Yeah," I say, sighing a bit as I sit back in my chair.

"He's cute," he says, smiling and glancing at me. "I can see why you loved him so much." I laugh a little at that. He stares at it for a moment or two more and then puts it back on the desk.

"You know," I say, wrapping my arms around his waist securely, "you can tell me if it bothers you."

"If what bothers me?" he questions in confusion, his head cocked faintly.

"Me still keeping things of his," I say. "And...me still loving him. If it bugs you, I'll understand."

"Jongin, how many times have I told you that it doesn't affect me?" he says, chuckling slightly as he looks into my eyes. "I get that you still love him. I mean, why wouldn't you? He was your first real love and I know it hurts to lose someone so special the way you did. I actually think it's sweet that you still keep some of his stuff. It shows that you haven't forgotten him and I bet he appreciates that." I look away for a second as I smile faintly, my eyes directed at the photograph. Luhan places his hands on either side of my face and turns me back in his direction, smiling at me. "You don't have to worry about me, okay?" he says. "I think I'd be more upset if you were going about this any other way."