Oasis (A KaiSoo Fanfic)

Chapter 33 | Nervous

I talked with Ms. Choi and the team of doctors who would be operating on me the next day. They explained to me that since the Chemo had actually done an okay job of keeping the size of my brain tumor reduced, the surgery should only take two and a half hours, but they also said I should be prepared for longer in case there are complications. I had no idea what that meant, but I imagine there are lots of complications that can occur when operating on someone's brain. 

They scheduled it for June 9th at 8:00 a.m., pretty much as soon as I woke up. My parents were pretty happy that I decided to go through with it and I sort of was, too, but it was only natural that I got nervous as the date approached. I was technically one of the first real people they were going to perform such a surgery on, so it wasn't like I could turn to anyone for advice on what to expect or the aftermath. It was hard for me to comprehend, but I felt truly scared for the first time in my life and that made not having Kyungsoo around even more difficult. 

The night before the surgery, I had trouble falling asleep. It was nearly one in the morning and I still found myself laying in bed with my eyes wide open and my skin trembling from under the covers. That surgery, it could save me or kill me, that was the horrible fact. I could wake up from the surgery with no tumor and no cancer or I could wake up in the afterlife with no life to live anymore. That would scare anyone, right? The odds between Life and Death. But I guess, in a way, that's what living is, knowing that you could die at any moment. So, it made me feel a bit better to know that any person in or outside the hospital could kick the bucket.

Even with that in my head, I only ended up sleeping for six or so hours that night. I couldn't eat, I couldn't receive any of my normal medicine, and I could consume any sort of liquid. The doctors didn't know what the effects of eating or drinking before performing that particular surgery could be, so they advised me not to find out. As a result of complete and utter boredom, I sat out in the lounge area and read Kyungsoo's journal, thinking maybe his words would give me some sort of strength. 

03/12/2011

Something amazing happened today! Well, I guess that was kind of stupid to say because the whole reason I write in here is to record amazing memories so that I can remember them twenty years from now. But anyway, something extraordinarily amazing happened today....Jongin and I kissed for the first time! It was even better than I imagined it would be. His lips...they were so soft against mine and I can't think of any other feeling that is greater than that one. He actually kind of confessed to me, too, so I guess that makes two amazing things that happened today. I didn't tell him I liked him back, but I think he got the point when we made out for half an hour. I know my fear of committing while sick will cause issues later, it has to. I just hope I get the chance to tell him I love him before then. Because I do, I really do love him...Jongin. 

Tears threatened my eyes and I tried my best to blink them away, but one ended up splashing onto my cheek anyway. I wiped it off with the side of my hand. It hurt to see him say that rather than hear him say it like I wanted to all along, but, at the same time, it made me happy. Knowing that he did share the same feelings as I did for him made me feel like our time together wasn't a waste. And it gave me the strength to believe that I could have that again. 

"Hey, Jongin." My head turned toward the source of the voice, and I saw Minghao right as he was sitting diagonally from me. Minghao was from China, but his parents couldn't afford to send him to any hospitals there, let alone one that specialized in cancer, so they flew out to Korea upon hearing about the deal this hospital offered. If I'm not mistaken, he had some kind of skin cancer, at least that's what the other patients said. Truth be told, I didn't keep up with hospital gossip very much, especially not during those days. I didn't talk to him much, but he was friendly enough that I was friendly back. I wonder how he's doing now. "How's it going?" he asked.

"It's going." I shrugged and sighed. 

"Ah, that's right," he said, his voice lengthening as he spoke. "Your surgery is today, right?"

"Yeah, how'd you know that?" I replied.

"It's a small hospital," he said casually and chuckling. I chuckled briefly and silently. "Are you nervous?"

"Yeah," I said with a slow nod of my head. "I'm really nervous. I keep trying to tell myself that I could make it through this alive, but then I'm just reminded that I could just as likely die, too."

"Hey, now," he said, leaning forward and gently tapping the side of my thigh. "Don't think like that. It'll only make you more nervous than you have to be."

"Easy for you to say," I said, hopefully not coming off as too harsh. That was one of my problems after Kyungsoo died, being bitter toward nice people because I thought they'd leave me, too. "You're not about to be put under and have people poke at your brain for three hours."

"True, true," he said, looking away for a moment and nodding. "But still, I know how it is to be nervous over something major like this. Coming here, well, for me it was super stressful. I thought they wouldn't be able to help and that I'd die, but I'm feeling better than I ever have since my diagnosis. Trust me, a little positive thinking goes a long way."

I looked at him out of the corner of my eyes, head turned ever so slightly. "You think?" I said.

"Mhmm," he said, nodding and smiling as he hummed. "Don't be scared. You'll be fine either way." I held eye contact with him for a few seconds more before diverting my eyes away, my eyebrows creased faintly.

"Kim Jongin?" Another unfamiliar voice called me and, this time, made me spin all the way around. The young-looking man walked over to where Minghao and I were and said, "Which one of you is Kim Jongin?"

Minghao pointed at me and I shyly raised my hand. "M-Me," I said quietly. 

"The doctors are ready for you," he said. My lips parted and my heart skipped a beat, but I nodded slowly anyway. I stood up slowly and started to follow after him. I turned back around to see Minghao giving me a thumbs up and smiling brightly. I sighed as I shifted back around, dropping my head as I pressed Kyungsoo's journal close to my chest. He led me up to the surgery area of the hospital, which required us to take the elevator, and into a room with about 30 different tools on a table, six doctors and nurses, and one operating table. 

"There he is," the head surgeon said in a voice that was muffled by his mask, all dressed up and ready for my surgery. "You ready to get this done?"

I shrugged shakily. "I-I guess so," I replied. He chortled lightly and placed a hand on my shoulder. 

"Don't worry, Jongin," he said. "We're going to take care of you. There's nothing to be afraid of." I nodded, not completely convinced but playing along with him. "Alright, let's get you sedated," he said. He helped onto the operating table and I adjusted a bit as he and the others prepared the IV. "Now, this is a combination of a sedative and an anesthetic," he explained as he untangled some of the tubes. "It will not only help calm your nerves so you don't feel anything, but it will also help relax your whole body. It should wear off within an hour or two of us finishing, hopefully, less, though."

I nodded and glanced around. "C-Can you hold this?" I asked, holding up Kyungsoo's journal. "I don't want anything to happen to it."

"Sure." He smiled through his thin mask and took it from me before handing it off to one of the nurses, who stuffed it in her pocket. "We'll get it back to you once we're all done, okay?"

"Okay," I said. 

"Good," he said with a nod. "Let's do this." I shifted nervously again and then he brought the plastic mouth cover, mask thing closer to my face, laying it over my mouth and nose. It only took a few inhales for me to begin to feel drowsy and before I could count the seconds, I was out like a light. I just hoped I wouldn't stay like that forever.

A/N

Okay, so with this done, there are two chapters left: his recovery and then the end. I was going to do a epilogue, but then I decided to change the ending up a bit. Don't worry, though, the spirits will still be happy, as I promised. 

Has anyone watched, or is anyone watching, Moorim School? I started yesterday and I'm on episode 8...I don't know if that's a good or bad thing. But yeah, I love VIXX's OST from it, "Alive." It is my new jam. Oh, and the drama itself is good, too. HONGBIN IS TOO HOT AND CUTE FOR HIS OWN GOOD.

Thanks so very much for reading and I will update again soon! :) <3