oxymoron.

Chapter Fifteen

*******A/N: The song I chose is an instrumental, meaning it has no words, but it still speaks the emotion of the characters in a way that normal songs can't. I, as a writer and reader, find most of my inspiration from songs, but this song really got me back into writing. So I hope that while you read this, you take time to pause and listen and really feel the song, because it is beautiful. So I'm really happy with the way I wrote this chapter and the way it pairs with the song. I hope you like it too. I'm outtie.************

Samskeyti (Acoustic): Sigur Ros

Elise's POV

Louis drove us back to his dorm. We didn't really talk in his car. All I could think about was the kiss with Niall. Niall kissed me, so did Harry but he's a moron, but Niall. I could never expect Niall to kiss me. Niall kissed me, on the mouth. Wow, my mouth still tingled from his kiss. He was right, Louis has never kissed me roughly like that, but I knew that Louis loved me. Did I enjoy Niall's kiss? He was a good kisser no doubt in my mind.

What am I saying? I am in love with Louis. I love Louis. I am dating Louis. Louis is my boyfriend. We are ruining our relationships with our parents to be together. Louis stood outside my dorm with his phone above his head just to mimic Say Anything to get me back. He cares about me, he would never break my heart. Louis loves me. I love him.

It's my fault we even went to that party. I could have pretended to be sick or something and Louis wouldn't have gone. I would never have kissed Niall. I'm so stupid to have gone. For being top of my class, I am pretty stupid.

"Elise?" Louis asked as he parked, "Are you okay? You haven't said a word and I just, I'm sorry I got in a fight. I know I promised you I wouldn't, but I couldn't handle it knowing another guy kissed you." Little does he know that another guy kissed me too.

"Louis," I whispered, "Can I tell you something? It's kind of important, but you are going to get mad and I don't want you to be mad because it was an accident and it's all my fault."

Louis unbuckled his seat belt and turned to face me, his eyes were watering. I can't tell him. It would destroy him. But I have to tell him, if he found out from someone else then that would destroy him even more. He just nodded, it was almost as if he knew.

"I want you to know that I love you, okay Louis? I love you more than anything," Tears streamed down my face, here it goes, "Niall kissed me and I think I enjoyed it."

"What, what are you saying?" Louis whispered, he ran his fingers through his hair. He looked down at the floor of his car, "Are you saying you might still have feelings for him?" He looked up at me, his eyes were glassy with tears that were threatening to pour over and down his face.

"I don't know if I still have feelings for him. Since we left all I could think about was the kiss with Niall. At the party I was mad but now, I don't know what I am. I'm sorry Louis. I love you, I thought it would be better if I told you rather than someone else. I'm sorry." I cried.

"I think we need some time apart. You obviously need time to think about this. But I want you to know that I will always love you. Always. I just don't think that you feel the same way anymore." Louis got out of the car and started walking to his dorm, his silhouette was outlined by the lights flooding the sidewalk.

I got out of his car and watched as he walked away. Away from me. Away from us. He ran his fingers through his hair about a thousand times. Maybe he was right. Maybe we needed some time apart. I watched him enter the dorm building, with one last look at me. I was crying a silent kind of cry, you know when tears are streaming down your face but you aren't blubbering or sniffling or practically breathing. I started running to my dorm across campus. I ran up the five flights of stairs and into my dorm.

I collapsed on my bed in a fit of tears. By now I was hyperventilating, that's an exaggeration, it was more like heavy breathing. My head was pounding going back and forth between Niall and Louis. I looked like a mess. I sat up in bed and pulled my hair out of the bun. I was unstable. I can't choose. I love Louis, but so intrigued by Niall.

So much inner turmoil. I ran my fingers through my hair and walked into the bathroom. Instantly I remembered what I forgot to do. My medication. My shaking hands searched through the messy bathroom for my medication. No wonder I was having such a freak out, I didn't take my medication.

My medication was supposed to help me, according to the doctor. My anxiety is caused by stress, too much stress and I snap. They start off with inner turmoil, then the crying, then I start to breathe heavily, the breathing gets harder and more rapid and the tears can't stop and I'm pulling at my hair and biting my lip to keep from screaming.  Most of the time I can't help it, it just consumes me, swallows me whole. They feel like your drowning right next to a lifeguard that is staring at you but won't save you. Or like your screaming in a room full of people and they are all staring at you and won't do anything to help you.

If I don't take my medication for my anxiety then I have a bad anxiety attacks. They range from person to person, but mine were somewhat severe. I take two little pink pills a day. I forgot today. I was having an anxiety attack. The heavy breathing, the hair pulling, inner turmoil, those were side effects of my anxiety. I finally found my pills. I filled a cup with water and took the two pills.

After doing the deep calm breathing exercise that my doctor told me to do after an anxiety attack, I changed into Louis' sweatshirt and sweatpants that I still had. They smelled like his intoxicating smell. I wiped the makeup from my face and laid on my bed. I picked up my Romeo and Juliet and for the millionth time I read it. It calms me.

Even though now I was calm, I still can't make up my mind.

"Why then, O brawling love, O loving hate/ O anything of nothing first created!/ O heavy lightness, serious vanity/ Misshapen chaos of well-seeming forms!" I recited, Shakespeare's use of oxymorons show Romeo's confusion in love.

Just as I am, confused and in love.