The Link

Chapter 25 - Natalie

I slept fitfully that night. Emotions, uncentered without Sam, ran roughshod over any attempt at dreams. I wondered briefly if I could talk Corbett into allowing Sam to join me here. Then I thought of my pregnancy. That was not going to go over well at all. They were building a perfect environment for Teegan. Maybe perfect was in itself imperfect. Where were the small problems we are all forced to endure. The things that make us stronger to withstand the unavoidable things like death or disaster. Do I want to see Teegan totally dependent on others and unable to survive without them? No, my daughter will be strong, that much I would demand. They would weaken her here, make her a puppet. Being Corbett's baby factory was also out. Living without Sam was a no-go. Sometime well after midnight, I fell asleep.

Teegan was insistent that I wake. When I opened my eyes, she became excited, bobbing up and down in her crib. I moved at a snail's pace, a slug that only had a few hours sleep. I moved to the edge of the bed and rubbed my eyes, trying to make sure I could lift up my girl with falling. When my body finally decided I was in full control, I picked up Teegan. Her diaper was heavy and needed to be changed. I felt Sam as the bond took hold of me. It woke me further and made me smile. I was thankful I wasn't queasy like the last morning.

Everything was so clear when the bond took hold. We were a family for better or worse. I wasn't leaving without Teegan, and Sam was just as determined to get us both out. I could feel his confidence, and it strengthened mine. I wasn't sure how strong he was without Teegan in his arms, but she would be in mine when the time came. That we could find each other spoke well of our chances. The black-shirts were the only obstacle. I wasn't sure of the extent they would go to retain Teegan on the property. The cameras gave them eyes and their numbers seemed extensive. I was living in a Bond film.

A knock on the door made me break the link. The clearness faded but the resolution of leaving remained. Teegan would have to survive on our love and forgo the best of everything else.

"Come in," I called out.

"Is everything alright?" Abigal asked as she entered.

"Yes, why?"

"You've been standing still for over ten minutes with a grin on your face," Abigal said, "we know you didn't sleep well last night." I hated those cameras.

"Ten minutes, really," I said, "how many times did I blink and exhale." I tried to make it sound humorous, but I failed toward insulting.

"Maybe you shouldn't bond so much," Abigal offered, "are you sure you're not losing yourself inside of her?" I was already lost, and nothing but Sam's physical presence would lessen the effect. Teegan had become our conduit to remain together. Was I bonding too much? Probably, but not for the reasons they calculated.

"Could be," I said, adding a smile to try to soften Abigal's thoughts, "but that's why you need me."

"It's deeper than I was told," Abigal continued, "I was led to understand it only took a moment to see, what did he call it, perfect clarity."

"It is that," I said, "but love lengthens it. Teegan has so much and desires mine in return." I left Sam out, but knew I said too much when it left my lips.

"She feels you?" Abigal asked, incredulously.

"I think so," I replied, trying to sound uncertain. I wanted to smack myself for giving away anything that might hint at Teegan's growth. Abigal sat down in a chair against the wall.

"Can you tell me what it feels like?" Abigal asked. Her face was curious, but I knew her mind was in analytical mode. "Yesterday in the pool, you both seem so happy." She smiled as a friend would.

"She's always happy," I said, again trying to hide the facts, "but there is joy and clarity in the bond. Some of that clarity continues when it's over." I decided to reinforce what she probably already knew. "you lose all apprehension, and past failures are nothing but lessons. Your true desires become unshy and expose themselves fully." Lately, all I could see was Sam; my desire was quite clear.

"What is your true desire?"

"Now, that I won't share," I replied. I set Teegan down and watched Abigal pull her bare hands up and folded them across her chest. "You could always find out yours," I added, knowing she wouldn't dare touch Teegan. Teegan stayed next to me, using my legs for added support.

"I'm not sure I want my mind altered," Abigal said, "even if it was allowed."

"It's not brainwashing," I said defensively.

"How would you know?" Abigal pushed, "you threw away a good career to shack up with a penniless drug runner in the woods. That doesn't sound like a someone who is thinking straight."

The argument that was brewing in my mind was black and angry. I knew if I let it loose, it would build a wall between Abigal and I. Defending my love for Sam to someone who didn't know him was a waste of time. My anger was a waste of time. It wasn't the first time I had considered Teegan's role in putting Sam and me together.

"You could be right," I said, pretending to think deeply, "Sam wasn't exactly my type. Maybe it's best to limit my bonding to see if I start to think differently."

"Have you even thought much of him since he hasn't had access to Teegan?"

"No," I answered with faux surprise, and after a pause "do you think he used Teegan to get to me?" It took all I had not to smile. In truth, I thought I used Teegan to get to him. If she's a brainwashing drug, I wanted more.

"Your guess is better than mine."

"He would have come after me if he really loved me," I continued, and my eyes found the floor in thought, "now I feel used." I sighed to add to the effect. I wondered if I was overdoing it, acting wasn't my best talent.

"Maybe you used him," Abigal said with a friendly smile. She thought we would bond by her turning my shame around. I returned an embarrassed smile and let her believe it was so. "Either way, he isn't here which speaks volumes about his commitment. Love doesn't have any boundaries, or so I'm told."

"You never been in love?" I asked, desperate to change the subject.

"I'm not sure it exists,"Abigal responded, "I crossed into my thirties knowing lust, but never love. I think it's only the swoon after the act that's described by poets." She shrugged her shoulders. "I like the act well enough, but no one has been more than a diversion, and I've never had a need for a puppy." I tried to hide my pity. For the first time, I wished I could be her friend. She needed a friend.

"You're missing out," I said, "when someone becomes more important than your own life, it's world changing. Everything becomes more beautiful, and the meandering future becomes a straight line. Problems become less, and joys become more."

"You're describing an orgasm," Abigal laughed. I could see now why she was selected to watch Teegan and me. She had never bonded normally with anyone before. Feelings were superficial aspects of life to her. I wished I could have forced Teegan into her arms, let her feel what I felt when my mind finds its center and love overflows. I would never trade anything for the feeling of Sam's need of me, that strange mixture of confusion and perfect order. I smiled, as I remembered that the hesitancy was fading, confusion replaced with certainty. Knowing I could crush him with a word, and the desire to never utter it was so powerful. I was just as fragile, but he gave me only strength.

"Natalie?" Abigal prodded. I had entered my own world for a moment, smiling at the floor. Dreams of Sam needed to be replaced with his reality. I needed his physical presence to add substance to the feelings we shared.

"Love is real," I said, looking up at her, "someday you'll find it and everything will change. All your goals will weaken, replaced with something money and fame can't buy." I picked up Teegan, "I need to change her diaper." I moved quickly out the door with Abigal's eyes following me with their analytical glare. It was like trying to describe a color to a blind woman.