*ON HOLD* It All Started With A Dream- A Ross Shor Lynch Fanfic

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Well. This chapter took a LOT to write. Everything about the selfharm is true but lots of details were left out. I really enjoyed writing this and I hope you guys like reading it! Sorry if it does explain a lot. It just kind of fits Avery's character. I'm gonna start working on a cover. So yay :) Leave me any comments below or feel free to inbox me. Love you all! -XOX Mystery Writer

Towards the end of the movie, Ross and I were bundled up underneath blankets and smushed between pillows. The lights were turned off and his arms were wrapped around me and my head took it’s spot on his chest where I could hear his heartbeat. Everything was perfect. I haven’t been this happy in such a long time. Ross squeezed my arm every now and then. His muscles around me felt like a wall. I felt protected from everything bad out there. Hilary and her fake ass boobs. All of the hate and drama that might happen. Everything just disappeared in thin air. It was perfect.

I honestly don’t know why. But these past couple of weeks even before I met Ross, I’ve been having a flashback from the very first time I picked up a blade. I was in 6th grade. 12 years old. It was only the second month of school and everything seemed to be going wrong already. Elementary school was horrible. I thought middle school would be a fresh start. A new me. Boy was I wrong. Coming into this school, I thought it was only up from here. I would make new friends. Be involved in theater. Do show choir, choir, honors choir. I had a whole plan. That plan was hard to follow once I was diagnosed with depression. 

I have seen so many doctors, i’ve actually lost count. But just hearing that I was diagnosed. Just sitting there in the office, on those uncomfortable couches and those stupid pillows that smelled like mold and old people, and just hearing the words come out of that stupid doctors mouth. I just kinda let my head fall and I shook my head. It hit me like a rock. What now? How much medication am I going to be put on? Am I going to be under house arrest? I was 12! I didn’t know. 

But then. I remember coming home. Going straight to my bathroom closet and pulling out a razor. I was being so quiet. I didn’t want anyone to hear what I was about to do. My dad who was still alive at the time, had gone out to grab stuff for dinner. My mom on the other hand was in the shower. I knew I was safe. I just didn’t want to take any chances. I remember just ripping the razor open and pulling out the blade. I closed my door and just sat there on the floor. Tearing my skin. Just watching everything happen. I didn’t cry. I didn’t feel any pain. Did it make me feel any better? No. But was it an escape? Yes.

That wasn’t a one day thing. I wish it wouldn’t have happened at all. That became an everyday thing. I wore long sleeve shirts and zip up hoodies everyday. I mean it was 70 degrees out but no one really asked. I was invisible basically. I had no classes with Tammy. At lunch I sat with her if I was lucky. If Hilary didn’t pull her away. Tammy had no idea what was going on. She was a clueless 12 year old girl who doesn’t know anything yet. The whole thing was stupid. 

I had no friends. I had no one to talk to. I couldn’t talk to my parents. If I did I would have been put into a hospital program. I wouldn’t be let out of my house. Wouldn’t be able to go act. I wouldn’t be able to do anything. I just suffered. I saw depression doctors. I lied about how I had no idea what self harm was and how to even start self harming. I lied about not having suicidal thoughts. It all just. It all was a big lie. I big act I put on. 

I’m better now though. Sadly, my wrists still do have marks. And my thighs are a mess. I never go to the beach anymore because I’m afraid people will ask. My shorts thankfully do cover up where the damage is. So thank you shorts. I’m not proud of my past. I wish I could redo everything. I wish I never opened up that closet. I wish I never got depression. I could have prevented it. I could have brushed everything off my shoulders. It wasn’t easy though. I had to fight. I’m still fighting. I just want everything to be over. And thankfully. It almost is. I have Ross here now. I’ve been smiling and I’ve been happy for months now. My summer may have a few bumps here and there. But I know I can face anything going into my senior year in high school.