depreciation they claim

Maps

I was hit with some doubt today.

I was thinking about time, subconsciously it crossed paths with a remark and hung on a for longer than I anticipated. Felt weird as fuck.

It's been a while since I had thought about doubt. When I had doubted something or someone. It's not a feeling I get often, so like I said, it felt fucking weird.

It was scary but also, made me think about reality. I'm awful with reality. As logical of a thinker I am, analyzing and thinking as I go, I'm still creative and a writer and all things fantastic, as in fantasy , not as in great.

I never understood how I was so good at being so analytical and questioning with such a vivid and spread imagination. The two don't seem like a mix. Maybe there is something about passion to be said, but hm. I just don't know.

Anyhow, doubt.

A year is so long. But not long at all. 10 months until the next year doesn't seem like any time at all to me, but it is. I can't put it into my words and it's frustrating me. God.

My skin is itching and sweating and I'm grinding my teeth because this one concept, this mere passing thought in a taxi ride on a rainy day isn't sondering. I've learned its name and I didn't intend to but that's not to say I didn't want to. But I don't think I would have inquired if I had the opportunity.

It's not even doubt that upsets me or fear or the unknown. It's my loneliness in result of inability to speak to you so you can understand my riddles and verses and my insecurity and of being specific and oh god that wasn't the word I wanted. These words aren't what I want but they keep coming and you need to read them though it pains me because you watching my struggle to communicate is the only way you can empathize with this, with me.

If you were to ask me how I feel right now, I could not answer. I am okay. Not as an adjective like "I feel okay" as in a fact of I am fine but I don't know how I am.

Am I making sense? I wish I could speak to your screen like I would to your face, and I can not. I'm not trapped in here hut this paper persona is my only working outlet when talking like this. It's strictly psychological.

I write in a certain style and have been for so long that I've since molded my brain to be that while I speak to you like this. I don't talk like this. I sometimes think like this. But this is how it comes out, and if it comes out, it was meant to be heard.

The further I get into my mind the busier it gets, I'm so stirred? It's the only word I could pull out of the mess at the moment that made enough sense. I feel like my thoughts are cluttered and open at the same time- why is this all one huge oxymoron? Why do I have to speak and think in riddles. I'm talking in circles.

I'm too focused on focusing and if this entry were a color it would be red, it's all I'm thinking of. I'm thinking of red right now, and this has essentially become a stream of consciousness in order to get the thoughts out of my head to clear some room for sanity and humility and blame and not doubt but my brain has a little spot cleared out just for it.

I thought of red because it is so, bold. It can stand for violence or passion or love or blood or pride or chaos or tyranny or anything extreme really. Red is extreme. Red is the color of this entry.

I'm not angry or upset or sad or really anything but I feel like the color white. If I feel the color white, but am speaking the color red, why? White is just blank and neutral but very bright and blinding and nothing like red but I can't help but funnel red out of the spectrum of rainbow reflection from my mind. What do I do with the other colors? What do they make?

This has spiraled and unraveled very very far from the path I intended to take. Hey, this is why I fly by the seat of my pants.

This isn't a puzzle to solve. It's just a look into how I think. Everything can be a metaphor but there isn't a solution to the puzzle because it isn't a puzzle to begin with.

It's like- a big map. All the little symbols mean something, but why would I ask you to make a key when I'm the only one who had one?