I'm sad, really really sad. I've been avoiding relationships because I didn't want to replace someone I would never be able to have again. Someone who wasn't even here.
I decided to visit his grave today. I've never done so in the past. After his funeral I couldn't bring myself to go there. Thought it'd be best to stay away and deal with his death but looking back maybe my going would have helped me to deal with this much better years ago.
As I got ready to leave I took up the collaged frame with the three pictures of me and Jamal, the smaller frame which I got emotional just looking at and a necklace Jamal had given to me while he was in the hospital. I think I could say what I needed to now.
Hopefully.
~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~°~
Jamal Malcolm Wade
The tears flowed blurring the other words.
I remembered my best friend, my love, my motivation, my rock.
How we never stopped laughing in all the years we had been together.
I remembered our fights.
I remembered the ways we always found to make up after each fight.
I remembered our first time, and how I thought how lucky and clichéd we were to be each other's first.
I remembered my first pregnancy scare, how he held me and promised me we would get through it together.
I remembered my last scare,
How he wasn't even aware,
He'd never know that he was almost a father.
He'd never know how I graduated university with a 3.8GPA.
He'd never know how my first job went, or when I moved into our dream starter home.
I wept because I still yearned to share these things with him.
I wept because he was never coming back.
I wept because all this baggage had been holding me back and I had promised him it wouldn't.
And as I looked at the framed ultrasound,
I wept for our son.
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❤Kellz
