The first week in Jamaica flew by pretty quickly. I had met Simone in college and we'd been friends ever since.
It was Thursday and I had finally decided to visit my mother. Despite her living only about an hour from where I was staying I hadn't seen her because our schedules didn't seem to be free at the same time. Never mind that I was basically free all day, she had countless "appointments".
It was shocking to me that she had taken the time to see me before the wedding though, ever since she migrated back to her homeland we hardly spoke, though it may have a lot to do with the huge falling out we had had in the hospital. As much as I hated it, I needed her and answers at times.
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"Lila, right on time."
I awkwardly hugged her,
"Hey mom. What's up? This is my friend Simone."
My mother looked at her weirdly for a bit but quickly recovered and shook Simone's hand.
"Marjorie Powell, nice to meet you."
"Nice to meet you too."
Soon we were all seated and talking about random topics.
I excused myself to use the rest room.
On my way back I glanced at the pictures of my mom and us when we were younger. There were also pictures of only me, me and Morgan, Morgan and her family. Pictures could tell a thousand words, 500 of which may be lies because for any one that didn't know our family history, they would think she and I actually had a good relationship.
I paused outside the door when I heard a part of the conversation my mother and Simone were having,
"I knew a Floyd Daniels back in the day, maybe you're related to him Binda isn't a very popular name."
That part caught my attention because Floyd Daniels was my father's name. And from what little I was told Binda was his mother's maiden name.
I was a bit baffled as to what this had to do with Simone though. Her surname was James.
I knew if I went in the conversation would stop though so I continued to eavesdrop.
"If we're talking about the same person then yes I am related. My uncle is named Floyd Daniels."
"Really, I haven't seen him in years. How is he?"
"Living in Georgia with his wife and children."
"Children?"
"Yes, a boy and a girl. I have pictures, if you'd like to see."
"No, no. Its fine. Forget I asked.
I wonder where Lila is, she's taking quite long. Maybe I should check up on her."
I used that as my cue to rejoin them.
My mother excused herself as I entered the room though, she claimed it was to check on lunch.
"What were you guys talking about?"
"Oh, she was just saying a woman named Lillian Binda,I was telling her from what I remember that's my deceased grandmother's name. Saying i look like someone she knew, you know everybody looks like somebody ish."
"Oh, OK. Ima help her in the kitchen."
I knew she hadn't gone to the kitchen though, but rather up the stairs.
I went to what I assumed was her bedroom and found her sitting with a discolored photograph of a couple and two young girls. I recognized the female as my mother and the two girls as me and Morgan. I had glimpsed the picture before but she had hidden it.
"Mom, can we talk?"
Unlike the other time the picture remained in view as she answered,
"Yeah, come in."
She continued before I got a chance to speak.
"I know I'm a bad mother, and I'm really sorry. All those years ago I didn't even apologize properly, or ask for forgiveness. I should've been there for you after the funeral and the accident but how can a broken person help someone heal? That night we were driving, and I looked over and thought, my baby's about to go through the same struggles I did. It was like a cycle, except you actually could have told your child where his father was... In that moment that I took my eyes off the road and that driver slammed into our car, I... I just... I don't know. I'm just really sorry I wasn't even there. I really wish I could change the hands of time and make you love me."
"Mom, its fine. Well I don't know if it's fine but all I wanted was closure over the years. You were always so caged in, it never stopped me from loving you but it did hinder me loving others. What do you mean by could have told my child where my father was?"
"What could I have told you Lila? I was trying to raise strong women, and I couldn't even tell you if your father was alive or dead. I was with him for about six months when I found out I was pregnant. He had promised me the world and then some when we met, said Morgan would be like his own. Only for him to disappear a month after you were born. I didn't know where he was. I was struggling financially. I shied away from answering questions about him because I felt stupid, all these years I thought he didn't want a family. But that girl in there looks so much like him, I just had to ask. Turns out he did want a family. Just not me. I shouldn't have kept you in the dark all these years but I myself had been in the dark. I should have loved you more though and not worked so damn much to forget him."
We sat in silence for a while before I responded.
"In any case, I love you. Maybe it's best I didn't know him though. You did your best for us, we didn't ever go hungry. You were a good mom, I guess I should have respected your decision to not say anything and been more of a good daughter."
"I love you Lila, and don't let because you didn't have a father growing up stop you from loving now. I wished I hadn't help your and Morgan's fathers leaving over other men's heads nowadays.
You may think you will forever be able to push away that Marcus boy and you'll be fine, but don't make the same mistakes I did. Break the cycle."
"Wait, Marcus?"
She laughed,
"Morgan, baby girl, we haven't talked much but Morgan keeps me up to date."
"I should have known. Is that him?"
She passed me the photograph,
"Yeah, that's him. You can keep the picture if you'd like. I don't think I want it anymore."
"Thanks, yeah I want it. Come on. I'm hungry and we still have a lot to catch up on."
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