I had a good talk with Jamal, it may sound delusional but I spoke as though he was there, listening like he usually did.
I felt like a burden had been lifted. It was so refreshing I decided to visit my therapist for a quick session.
"Lila, it's been a while since I've seen you here. Years actually if I remember correctly."
"Yeah, you know. I just wasn't ready for what you had to say."
"Oh, I know. You told me I was an old mentally challenged spinster, who had never loved even a plant so I wasn't in any position to ask you to move on."
"Yeah, I am really sorry about that."
"No problem. I've gotten much worse. I know you aren't here to apologize so what's on your mind."
"I went to Jamal's grave today."
"And how was that?"
"You were right, it did make me feel a bit better. I wrote him a letter and got everything off my chest. It was refreshing, to talk about all those things I'd been holding in. They've really been holding me back if I'm being honest.
Like even with 'no strings attached sex' I only did it because I felt that at that moment Jamal had no control over my emotions but that may have been the biggest lie I've ever told myself. That's when he had the most power."
"I'm happy that you've taken that step. Moving on is an important stage in the grieving process. I know you may feel as if loving someone else will mean that your love will Jamal will cease but it doesn't, Jamal will forever be in your heart and memory. He would want you to love again, he'd want you to move on and be happy.
He wouldn't want you to still be hurting so many years after his death, and he wouldn't want you to be blaming yourself for your miscarriage either.
In honor of Jamal's memory, why don't you make a pact to date, baby steps at a time."
I smiled at the lady who favored my mother so,
"OK, proper dates this year. I promise."
I did still think I needed a few more sessions before I could accept the loss of my child though but I had to move on, it was definitely time. But how?
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❤Kellz
