Foster ✘ 5SOS

•8•

;emily;

The moment I see Andrew, I feel my heart physically stop. I get so scared that I jump off of Luke's bed and stand to see him. Luke slowly does the same, his fear different than mine.

Sure Luke and I don't always get along great, but I've really grown to like it here. It's the longest I've been somewhere in a while, and I was beginning to think maybe, just maybe, this could be semi-permanent.

"Are you two smoking," he pauses to sniff the air. "You're smoking weed. Come here." He snaps at us, both of us scrambling to listen to him. He's scary like this.

He examines our bloodshot eyes and let's out a sigh.

"Luke's been getting bad ever since you've been here!" He shouts at me, and I feel my eyes widen. I feel as if I'm getting smaller and smaller the longer he yells, to the point where I'm nonexistent. He's mostly yelling at me right now, which makes Luke look kind of relieved.

I'm not going to tell him Luke asked me to do this. I'm not like that. That'll just make things worse.

"Luke, come downstairs with me." Andrew shakes his head, eyebrows furrowed. "Go to your room Emily. Liz and I will deal with you later." I nod quickly, exiting as fast as I can and shutting my bedroom door quietly.

I was holding it together in there, but now that I'm alone I burst into tears. I can't handle being yelled at, it always makes me cry.

I think about jumping off bridges or chasing down pill bottles often and despite knowing I'll never follow through its still destructive and I don't know if I'll ever be able to fix myself.

I hear Andrew and Luke go downstairs, and before I know it I find myself in the bathroom. I find myself holding the blade, staring down at my scars and just waiting.

This one is for crying all the time.

This one is for not being good enough.

This one is for all of the times I thought about suicide.

This one is because I'm sorry.

I stop at four, my tears falling and mixing with the bright red blood. It stings, but I'm used to it. I'm used to the stinging sensation when I rinse it off in the shower too. I'm just used to it. It's such a sad statement.

I make it back in my room, the first time I've been able to cut without being interrupted since I've been here.

"She's corrupting Luke!" Andrew shouts from downstairs. I sigh, nodding slowly and wiping the tears from my cheeks. I pull out my suitcase from under my bed and pack up everything in my room. Well, everything that's mine.

I empty the drawers in my bureau first. My clothes tucked safely away. Next I clean off the top of the bureau, all of my little things I had stored up there.

I throw my shoes into a separate bag next, making sure to keep them away.

As I'm cleaning off the desk, I look around. I've packed up just about everything now, but I guess I'll make the bed and clean up.

I think I'm really going to miss it here.

Lena's words bounce into my head. Please don't mess this one up Emily. I'm sorry Lena. I wish I hadn't. I really regret messing this one up.

While I'm cleaning things up, Liz comes in.

"Oh, hi Liz. Have you called Lena yet or would you like me to?" I say quietly, tugging on my suitcase.

"Emily, honey, why are you all packed? And why would we call Lena?" She looks worried as I take out my phone, Andrew and Luke joining us in here now.