Foster ✘ 5SOS

•12•

;emily;

A few days had passed since my father tried to contact me, and I still hadn't gotten another message. Now that it was the weekend I was relieved. I just wanted a small break, to think about things.

Luke has been trying to be over-the-top nice to me since, which is kind of pissing me off.

I don't want him to be an asshole, but I don't want him to act like I'm this fragile being either. It'd be nice to have a median, and not because of my depression.

Speaking of Luke, his presence appears on my room. Without knocking, like usual. Only he had a small, timid smile on his face. God, fighting with him was better than this kind of Luke.

"Mum made breakfast," he bites his lip. I nod, throwing my hair up into a messy bun with a sigh. "The boys are coming over later." He tells me.

"I figured, it's Saturday." I shrug, adjusting the sleeves of my shirt.

"You can hang out with us, if you'd like." I snort at Luke, rolling me eyes. Does me avoiding them not ring a bell?

"I'm all set. I've been forced to do that before, why would I do it on my own free will?" I laugh, shaking my head at him. He pulls his lips into a line with a small nod as we leave my room.

"I don't know, I just thought you might like to." He says quietly as we enter the kitchen. "You've hung out with them before."

I guess he's right, I have. But they are his friends, they're coming over to hang out with him. They aren't coming over here to see me, that'd be kind of weird in my opinion. Obviously I'll see them a little bit, but for me to follow them around would be strange.

I make myself a small plate of scrambled eggs and toast, taking only one piece of bacon. I don't get very hungry in the mornings.

Taking my usual seat at the table across from Liz, I send her and Andrew both small smiles as Luke pulls out the chair next to me to sit down. There's some small talk, but I mostly just listen.

"It's nice to see you two getting along better," Andrew comments, looking between Luke and I.

"We knew you wouldn't hate each other forever," Liz rolls her eyes, taking a bite of her eggs. I maneuver food around on my plate but don't take another bite for a bit, Luke taking notice of it.

"It's definitely a lot easier to be nice to each other than it is to constantly be fighting." I laugh quietly, luke agreeing. He's gone kind of quiet, I wonder what he's thinking.

"Emily has depression and she self harms," Luke blurts, making me drop my fork on my plate. "She also may be developing anorexia which is why she barely eats."

"Luke!" I gasp, shaking my head frantically. I cannot believe he just did that. He told me he wouldn't. Liz and Andrew look over at me, shocked and worried expressions. "He's just joking," I laugh nervously, shoving toast into my mouth.

They know. They're going to get rid of me now. Nobody would want a girl who self harms and has as many problems as I do.

I blink away tears, making sure nobody sees them. I absolutely will not cry today. I've been crying too much lately and I will not allow myself. I will make sure these tears don't slip out.

I don't even know who I am anymore. I am my mental illnesses, I have let them define me.

People don't realize how hard it is to re-discover the person you were before depression or even try to remember your own personality. And if you've had depression since early childhood you don't even know if you've really ever had your own personality.