SWTOR smuggler Fanfiction

Stay Away

"Commander. I'm sorry it didn't work out" Lana's voice was soft, regretful, apologetic.

"I don't want to talk about it" I said, still fighting back the tears. I can't allow myself to cry, not yet. Morale in the alliance would go down if the commander came back from a mission in tears. We can't afford that, it was low enough already.

Lana paused. She was at the controls this time; I couldn't bring myself to concentrate enough to be the pilot on the way back. I was too busy nursing an old wound that had reopened. Instead I was staring out the window as we approached Odesson. It's funny how I thought i'd be returning with someone by my side. Oh, i've returned empty handed from recruitment missions before, but this one was supposed to mean so much more.

He was supposed to be back. Corso, I lamented. Corso... my soul screamed his name as if it were day one, as if the grief had returned.

Or had it ever really left?

When we landed, I rushed out of the ship, intending to run to my room and let the tears flow. But instead I ran straight into Theron, the person who had given me the mission that had filled me with so much hope.

"Theron, i'm sorry. I didn't see you" I whispered.

He shook his head. He looked tremendously guilty; Lana must have called him on the holo while I was out of it on the shuttle. "Listen, commander, i'm sorry, I thought it was a real lead, all the stories checked out..."

I shook my head and held up my hand. This was bad; the mask was crumbling. I saw the leads too; they looked legitimate. "Don't feel bad. I understand..." my voice cracked. "I understand that it'll be difficult to..." my lip quivered "to find him" my voice broke as tears started leaving my eyes. Painfully aware that I was in the military hanger in full view of everyone, I rushed back inside, covering my face with my hands.

I stumbled onto one of the shuttle's couches, trying very hard to make the tears stop flowing. I was so wrapped up in the pain that I barely registered the hands that were on my own, that reminded me of an evening on Coruscant with flowers, Rishi flowers, the first time he called me beautiful...

When it dawned on me that Corso was not here, that I wasn't on Coruscant, that those weren't my gentlemen's hands, I lashed out in a blind rage, shoving whoever's hands were on my own abruptly to the side.

"STAY AWAY!"

I looked at Theron's and Lana's faces with tears in my eyes. They looked just as confused as I, though with considerably more worry and concern. Who had just yelled?

Oh. Oh, it was... it was me... I immediatly felt regret. They were only trying to help. "Lana, Theron, i'm sorry. I need some time alone" I pulled my feet up off of the floor and turned away from them, hugging my knees to my chest. "Please just tell them something. Anything"

Even though I wasn't looking at them, I could tell they were hesitant. I eventually heard something like a whisper and two pairs of feet walking off of the ship. I think I heard an echo of a condolance, or an apology, maybe both. But through the fog of my grief, I couldn't hear a thing.

I could only hear his distant voice.