SWTOR smuggler Fanfiction

Loss

Pre-chapter 13 of KOTFE
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I breathed deeply, looking out at the crowd who looked straight back. They all returned a different look. The younger ones had the fire of hope and determination that only comes with youth. The older group, the ones who had seen more of the horror of war, looked back with worry and resignation. Still others looked angry, or sad.

All of them looked tired.

"Commander, I have the notes here" Theron handed me a datapad that contained statistics on the alliance. I quickly glanced over the information. We were doing better than when we began, but we were still a long ways off from thriving.

"You'll have to make it look better than it is commander" Lana whispered in my ear, looking over my shoulder to read the pad.

"No Lana. I'm not going to lie to them. I know moral is low. Pretty lies will only lower it further if they ever get out. I'm not taking that risk" I quietly replied before stepping out from the small group of the command staff to address the people of my alliance.

"Hello" my voice cracked and I cleared my throat. "I gathered you all here today to discuss how the alliance is faring" I paused, looking out at the unchanging faces. "We are doing better than we started. Through hard work and dedication, we are well on our way..."

"What do you mean, 'we'?"

I turned my head to the loud voice. I saw a soldier who did not look young, but who also did not look as if he was familiar with the tides of war. His eyes were glaring me down with the anger of someone whom believed they had been wronged.

Smiling at him, I ignored the anger radiating off of him and kept my voice raised so that it was clear I was addressing the whole group and not just him. "I mean that we have done hard work, endured hardships, and suffered losses..."

"No!" He shouted. "You're wrong! We" he gestured around the room, even including the command staff behind me "have worked hard, endured, and suffered. YOU" he pointed an accusatory finger at me. "Have suffered nothing, sacrificed NOTHING, while we are left to do all the work!" He pushed his way through the crowd so that he was standing as close to me as possible, sneering up at me. "You're just some washed-out figurehead who lucked into her position!"

The room was silent, and all eyes were on me. The corner of my eyes registered the command group stiffen behind me, paticularly Lana and Theron. But what I saw was something different. I saw Corso and my crew fade away from me before my eyes. I saw their dead bodies in the vision Valkorian forced me to endure... and I felt my heart cry for this man, who so obviously had suffered as well, to be lashing out like this.

"And who-or what- have you lost?" I whispered softly to the angry eyes in front of me, the only seperation being a railing meant to prevent a person from falling.

"What have I lost? What have I lost?!" He said incredulously. "I could be back home, me and my buds, and we could be drinking and playing sabacc, but instead we get dragged into this war, thinking the pay will be good" he scoffed, and a few other soldiers shuffled nervously in the crowd, obviously not agreeing with their comrade. At his words, I narrowed my eyes ever so slightly, feeling my pity begin to turn into something else.

"We deserve better than these dumb beds, we should be payed extravagance, affored more than what you've given us! These stupid meals, the lack of sleep, i've lost my entire life! You don't ever do anything to support the alliance, to make it better, you're always gone somewhere, away from the base. What kind of leader is that?!" He spat on the ground in front of my feet.

I felt the pity dissapate within me to be replaced by a calm anger. How dare he say he's lost everything. How dare he claim I don't do any work when i've missed days of sleep at a time to get him and the alliance supplies from other worlds. Right then and there I decided to give this man a life lesson.

Just before I opened my mouth to do so, however, Theron started walking towards the man, shoulders stiff, glaring. "How dare you speak to the comman..."

"Theron, stop" I swung my arm out to block him from going any further. My voice was full of authority, and I felt the heat of hundreads of pairs of eyes tracking my every move. Theron stepped back, looking at me with curiosity. With my mouth set in a straight line, and my head held upright with an air of dignity, I folded my hands behind my back and started towards the ramp that would lead me down to this man so I could look at him in the eye.

My steps on the metal supports echoed in the otherwise silent cavern as a made my way towards the ramp. The crowd parted as I walked through towards him. When I arrived in front of him, he stared me in the eye defiantly, arrogantly, daring me to dismiss his claims.

He's got another thing coming for him.

"Soldier." I began, keeping my voice calm, neutral, and barely above a whisper. "You should learn to check your facts. The reason I am away from base constantly is because i'm getting the supplies needed to provide your sustanance. I have worked, day in and day out, in order to make sure everyone here is comfortable and well equiped for the final battle against Arcann. If you don't believe me, feel free to look at the datapad that Theron gave me. Numbers don't lie" I turned to the side so he would have room to pass by me and gestured towards the ramp.

I saw doubt flash in his eyes, and his mouth opened and closed like a fish. Obviously I had stunned him, made him unsure. "Go on" I insisted, responding to his challenge with one of my own. "There are no secrets here"

When he looked back at me and still refused to move forward, I shifted back into my original position, hands behind my back, looking him straight in the eye.

"Another fact, soldier, that you have incorrect" I countinued, my voice low with a deadly undercurrent that hinted at my anger. "Is that I have suffered nothing, sacrificed nothing. In that, you are dead wrong" I felt anger rise up and I raised my vouce ever so slightly with each word i enunciated.

"I lost 5 years of my life when Arcann froze me in carbonite. Because of that, I lost my unborn child (I heard several quite gasps as I said this). I no longer know if C..." I felt my voice nearly crack and I mentally shook my head to push away the grief "if my husband, or my friends turned family, are alive. I lost the opportunity to live my life with my husband and child as I saw fit, and I have been permently scarred into a new person!"

I had nearly begun yelling at the man, or maybe it was just the silence of the room and the blood pulsing through my ears that made my voice seem so loud. Whichever it was, I took a deep breath and physically shook my head, before looking into the man's eyes yet again. I almost smiled seeing that they were no longer filled with arrogance, but respect and shame.

"I've lost everything" I whispered.

"I... I didn't know...I..." he stuttered out.

I shook my head with a small smile on my face. "I know that you didn't. Which is why you will take away from this a lesson: never presume to know what another person has been through, for pain and suffering are everywhere"

He nodded, and I turned to the crowd, and raised my voice to signal that I was speaking to everyone. "Listen everyone. I do not claim to be the person in this room who has suffered and lost the most due to Arcann's reign of terror. I know each and everyone single one of us has lost something. Together, we will be able to make each other strong again. Together, we will heal the wounds of our heart and of the galaxy. Together, We will win this war!" I shouted the final sentance and thrust my fist into the air.

As the crowd thundered their applause and cheered for the victory of the alliance, I thought again a sentance that has haunted me for months...

Would he still be proud to call me his wife?