Break The Cycle

Chapter 17:

Emma POV:

I left as fast as I could. First he practically threw me into that shelf and didn't care when I fell to the floor, then he raised his hand. I knew he was going to hit me, I prepared to defend myself. But it never came, I took that moment where he stopped and ran for it.

I sobbed hysterically the entire way home. I'd let the first time go, but he went too far now. I had to pull over because the tears were so bad. That was when my phone started to ring. It was Killian, of course. It took everything I had not to pick up. I loved this man, I was so in love with him. But it was Neal all over again, he sucked me in and then turned on me. I put my phone on silent so I could ignore the phone calls better.

When the tears and heaving finally stopped, I was able to drive again. I got home to my new house and felt a little better. Henry would be here soon, we would be together. That offered some level of comfort. I would have someone to love me for me, not what they wanted me to pretend to be. I locked up and went to my room to take a shower.

Upon undressing, I saw the bruises that we're starting to form. On my arms where he'd grabbed me, on my shoulder and lower back where I had hit the shelf and floor. The thought of going to the police crossed my mind, but I decided not to. If I could just keep him out of my life, I wouldn't need to. There would be no second chances this time. I had a gun, I would use it to defend myself if he tried to hurt me again. And if he managed to, I was certain I would have proof like this and he would go to jail.

When I finished I decided to check my phone. I had countless texts from Killian.

I'm sorry Emma. I'm not good enough for you.

I'm going to get therapy. I don't deserve it but maybe one day you can forgive me.

I love you, I hate myself for doing that. It'll never happen again.

Please pick up, just let me hear your voice.

There were dozens more just like them. I didn't bother reading them all. Before he could call or text again, I blocked his number and deleted all of the messages. Then I took a sleep aid to help me through the night. When I realized it was him who had given them to me while I was sick, I screamed and threw the bottle. I started crying again and just laid down, slipping into a troubled sleep.

The next morning I felt awful, like I'd had a hangover. The sleep aids were all over the floor, I groaned and grabbed the vacuum to clean them up. After that I made a full pot of coffee and a light breakfast. Anything heavy might send me straight to the bathroom.

Three cups of coffee and a large glass of ice water later, I felt better. Today I had to face the world and go furniture shopping for Henry's room. Tomorrow I could lose myself in my misery.

I found the nearest furniture store and explained I was putting together a room for an almost seven year old. The sales lady directed me around the store, recommending things. She had a son herself.

In the end, I bought a twin bed, a mattress for it, a dresser, a book shelf, and a desk. Anything else he might need could be bought later. Then I went to the nearest Target and bought a bed set and bathroom set. I knew Henry enough to pick for him. He liked comic books, particularly X Men, reading both fiction and non fiction, and the stars. Clear nights were his favorite kind. I smiled as I picked out a bed set with Wolverine and a bath set themed with stars and moons. I was going to have my son living with me again. I bought some clothes I thought he would like, but he could pick the rest out himself when he got settled in. I also found him a night light that would project stars on the ceiling.

For the entire day, I didn't think about Killian. I was fine until I was home and in bed. Then in the darkness and silence, my fears overcame me. He knew where I lived, what if he came here and found me? I got up and turned on enough lights in the house that I could see properly, and ensured my gun was next to me, loaded and ready to go. Then I took another sleep aid. I never seemed to have dreams with these, and I couldn't take it if I had nightmares.

Killian POV:

I screwed up, big time. After a while, when I called her, I got a message saying the number was no longer in service. That meant that she either changed it or blocked me. Great. I deserved no less though. I put my hands on her, I hurt her.

Everyone was right, I did carry my father's abusive tendencies. It was in my genes. Try as I might, I apparently couldn't fight them. There was only one person I wanted to see right now.

I walked to Liam's house, I didn't trust myself to drive at the moment. When I knocked on his door at eleven at night, he opened it knowing it would be me.

"What's wrong Killian?" He asked, waving me in.

"I messed up, she's not coming back." I managed to say.

"I'm sure it can't be that bad. Tell me what happened." He said, coming to stand in front of me.

"I," I had to make myself say it, I had to own up to it. "I pushed her. Then I almost hit her."

Liam was silent for a moment, taking in what I said. Then he landed a punch to my gut. I bent over in pain.

"You bloody jackass!" He yelled at me.

"I know!" I grumbled back. Liam did what Emma should have.

"What the hell is wrong with you? She couldn't have done anything to warrant that!"

"I KNOW!" I yelled. "I just got angry, and I lost control for a minute. I hate myself for it."

"What happened?"

"Well, I asked her why she was still so afraid of me. It escalated to an argument because she was just trying to get me to understand how much she had been through. I was so mad that all I registered was that she thought her situation was more important than mine."

Liam had his head in his hand. "You bloody IDIOT! She has had it worse than you! Of course she's going to take more work, and now she'll never trust you again. I don't blame her."

"I know, Liam. Just please, tell me how to fix this."

"I'm not telling you anything. I'm not the asshole who laid hands on his girlfriend! Fix it yourself!"

"Please Liam, you're my older brother. You've always guided me."

"You're a man, act like one. I can't hold your hand through everything."

He was right, I had to step up and fix this. But I didn't know how. I slumped against his couch.

"They were right, father's abuse is hereditary."

"No, it's not." Liam sat down next to me. "It's just what we saw growing up. If you let it get to you, it's how you'll be. But if you let it go, you can be happy."

He was right. I brooded over my father's abuse for years. Liam let it go, and he was in a healthy, happy relationship.

"I'm going to get some help." I mumbled.

"That's a good first step. And you did it on your own." He sighed. "I will always be here for you, but this is your mess to clean up. Now go home and do it."

I nodded and hugged my brother before getting up and going home. I couldn't reach Emma through her phone, there was no way I would be able to see her at work unless she was my corrections officer, something she would never permit. I decided to get the help I needed and work through this before approaching her. She needed time, I would give her that.