The New Girl

Chapter 42 - "I should've.... "

Harry Styles.

After Aurora ran out of my house and Louis followed behind her, the others decided to give me the space I had asked for. They've known me long enough to know how I get whenever something traumatic happens in my life, they know I need my space and will recover on my own with time.

Tramp finally came down from my room and looked at me with worry in his eyes, he must known exactly what's happened and now he wants to help me as well. "Look, Tramp, I'm going through a tough time right now and you probably might not understand me." I sighed.

I keep repeating in my head, over and over again, that I just need some time. I'll get over this with a little time.

He walked over to me, never taking his eyes off of me. "You see, my mother, the nice lady that lived with us, is no longer alive." I started, "She's... well, she's dead." I stated , bluntly. "Meaning, I won't be able to talk to her ever again." I sighed, feeling another pain in my chest.

The only different thing now is... I'm not entirely sure if I'll be able to bounce back after this.

I looked down at the pup staring back at me, "My mom... my beautiful, loving and caring mother is now... g-gone." I stuttered, "I just don't understand how something like this could happen, especially when she was just going to see her friend. I shouldn't have let her go, but I didn't think she wasn't fit to drive. She said it herself, she said all she was doing was going to see her friend!" I explained, my voice growing louder with every word.

I turned towards the wall and noticed a picture of my mom, dressed in a wedding dress. Her beautiful smile lighting up the room, as per usual. "I can remember how happy she was, that day." I laughed, "She would never shut up about how excited and happy she was to finally marry someone who could take care of her and our family... it lasted for a good while, which was starting to be too good to be true. I didn't want to jinx my mother's marriage, but I always knew there was something off about that guy." I sighed, feeling guilty that I allowed an asshole like Robin to hurt my mother.

I looked at the smiling man in a tux, standing beside my mother. He looks happy, as well, but not as happy as my mother. "I always thought she was the one still fighting for that, already dead, relationship of theirs. They always pretended everything was alright, but I knew it wasn't. I knew Rob was no longer happy and neither was my mother. I just didn't think it would lead to him cheating on her, I figured the man had more respect than that... I guess I was wrong."

I pulled the picture frame off the wall and threw it across the room as hard as I could. I was angry at him-no, more than that! I was furious! "He is the reason my mother is dead, he caused this!" I shouted, feeling my body get hot. "If he hadn't done what he did, if he hadn't cheated on her, if he hadn't... b-broken her heart, she would still be here! I should've told her I felt something off about him, I should've done something about it! If I had said something, maybe she wouldn't have married him. There's a possibility she would still be here if I had only spoken up." I mumbled, as tears slid down my cheeks.

"I'm such an idiot!" I shouted, grabbing another picture of Robin and my mother and throwing it against the wall.

Tramp jumped every time something I threw hit the wall and shattered, but he never ran away. He just continued to look at me and waited patiently for me to calm down. I knew he wasn't going to approach me while I was behaving like this, he's smarter than that. Not that I would ever hurt him, goodness no! I would never do anything that could harm my best friend!

I shook my head, "I feel so horrible about all of this, I don't know what else to do with myself. All I did was tell her not to worry and that she shouldn't be treating me like a child. I always told her I loved her, but I never showed it. I really hope she isn't thinking I didn't love her because I'm sure as hell I loved her with every ounce of energy in my body." By now I was sobbing, letting all my sadness, anger, and frustrations out. The only person watching me was Tramp and I was okay with that, he's the only person I would allow to see me the way I am right now.

I leaned my back against the wall and, slowly, slid to the ground. "I should've talked to her more, especially since all she did was worry about me. I-I shouldn't have built a wall around myself and locked her out of it, I should've let her in. I-I should've told her everything that I did, I should've told her how many times I've passed out from being drunk or on some other drug. I should have told her I-I loved her more often, instead of going around fucking girls every night. I should've stayed home with her, instead of going to some stupid party that ended up getting raided. I should've thanked her all those times she took care of me when I got sick and bailed me out of a holding cell. I-I should've shown her how important she was to me, especially when she was all I had." I sobbed, my voice cracking at the end.

Tramp made his way beside me and placed his head on my lap. "I should have appreciated her more, Tramp. My mother deserved the world and more, yet I never told her that." I sniffled, running my hand over the huge Great Dane's head. "I never did anything to show her how special she was to me and now she's gone! I will never hear her beautiful laugh again, the way she sometimes snorted when she laughed so hard. I will never be able to hear her soothing voice, telling me to talk to her and to take care of myself. I will never be able to feel her kisses on my cheeks that she would always give me in front of my friends to embarrass me. I will never be able to tell her how much I love her or thank her for always being there for me." I hiccuped, while closing my eyes tightly.

Tramp licked my cheek, doing his best to cheer me up. As much as I wanted this to work, this isn't something Tramp could fix with that disgustingly comforting tongue of his.

I, slowly, got to my feet and walked over to the kitchen. I opened the wine cabinet and sighed, "Only one way to deal with this." I whispered to myself.

I reached in and grabbed all the bottles of wine that we had in that cabinet and began drinking my sorrows away. I may sound like a sappy teenager, trying to cope with another obstacle life just threw my way, but, honestly, I didn't care anymore. I didn't care for anything, anymore. I didn't want to do any of the things I would find pleasure and entertainment, not anymore. All I wanted to do was finish these bottles of wine, all by myself... and that's exactly what I'm going to do.